May 15th
I dreamt about my mother last night. She was drunk again. I guess her date didn't go well. I try to not get involved with her problems, but sometimes curiosity gets the best of me.
"Who was it this time?" I asked.
"It's none of your business," mom said. "You'll understand when you're an adult."
I'm not some little kid. I'm 16 dammit.
I walked back to my room, maneuvering around all the empty bottles and tissues on the floor.
"You won't abandon me either, right," mom suddenly asked me. "You won't be like all those other men, right?"
I didn't answer her. I just walked away.
Honestly, I felt trapped. Trapped by her tears and stench of alcohol. Trapped by how pitiful she was. Trapped by dreaded feeling of guilt that she gave me every time I saw her.
I hated feeling guilty.
Waking up next to someone was the most comfortable feeling for me. I felt warm inside when I saw Cole sleeping next to me, his body wrapped around my right arm.
However, waking up to someone else next to you besides the one you love can be...terrifying. I never thought that I would actually get scared by a little girl.
"THE HELL?!" I jumped when I woke up to the little girl sleeping beside me.
"Keep...it down," the little girl said. "I'm...trying to sleep...zzz."
I slowly removed her from my right arm and then darted out of the shed.
I hid behind a tree to catch my breath, letting my brain process what just happened.
"Ok...that's...the little girl...from yesterday," I said, catching my breath. "Why the...hell...was she there?"
I thought that my mind was playing tricks on me last night when I saw a little girl over there, but I guess she's really here. But why though? She's way to young to be in a place like this.
"Does she know what it means to here here?" I asked nobody.
"Of course I do," said the little girl, scaring me to death. "It means I'm dead right?"
"Well, yes and no." I said getting back up on my death after falling down.
"Why did you run away like that," the little girl asked. "Did you get in trouble? You kinda reminded me of my daddy."
"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"
"Depends on if you got in trouble or not?"
What does she mean by that?
"Relax, I'm not in any trouble," I said to her. "I was just surprised."
"Well, I'm sorry for scaring you," the little girl said. "You were pretty funny though."
"Surprised, not scared."
I lied.
"So, how did you get here?" The little girl asked.
"My mother, school, anxiety. I hated it. Couldn't stand it anymore," I said.
"I here because of my father. I hate him now. He did a terrible thing, so now I have to hate him and not forgive him."
We both started walking through the woods completely silent. Neither one of us said a word to each other.
"Hey I'm bored." the little girl suddenly said, pulling on my sleeve.
"Not my problem." I shrugged.
"Can I ask you a question?"
"You already did, now leave me alone."
I really just wanted to be alone right now. I can't cry with her right next to me. Crying in front of a little girl would be embarrassing.
"Did you know that virgins are considered stupid?"
I froze. Then, I looked down at her, very concerned.
"Who the hell told you that?" I asked.
"I heard it from a random group of people at my school." She said.
What the hell is this generation of kids being taught nowadays?!
"You shouldn't say words like that," I said to her. "That's way too inappropriate for someone your age."
"Are you stupid?" She asked me.
"Umm...no?"
"So you're not a virgin?"
...
"THATS NOT WHAT YOU ASKED ME!!"
I was starting to get frustrated by this little girl.
"You ask way too many questions," I said to her, calming myself. "How the hell do you even know what any of what you just said means?"
The little girl looked away from me. She looked up at the evening sun that shined a golden glow through the trees, illuminating the tears that fell down the little girl's face.
"I know...because I'm not stupid." She said faintly, her fake smile remaining on her face.