It was my misjudgment but he quietly followed me without any hesitation, without any single complaint. I completely messed it up and for more than six hours, we were completely lost in the woods in some distant world far away from home.
Most of the time I felt like my field is the only place of attraction in this whole country. Flowers, especially, could even attract those gods from heaven and drag them down to my field. It always looked fertile, elegant, appealing, and simply irresistible. I felt like I could spend my whole life with these magnetizing flowers that always attract me towards them.
I turned fifteen now and still my world is within myself. I don't have any friends with whom I could share my feelings. But I never needed any of them because I had Kaale. I had been in several fights till now with those so-called rich brats but was never defeated by anyone. I am not fragile to be easily broken by their loathing words or their feeble fists. I have endured a lot and no dagger of words or swords can pierce through my resilient body. I had that inborn quality of combating with my bare hands or with any swords. Over time, I became rebellious and outrageous which was perfectly commensurate to my name. I haven't taken any training to fight but my hands could act as a thunderbolt.
One day a boy, maybe younger than me, was wandering around my field. His face and dress were clean without any spot. He was bald but his ponytail kept on hanging around his shoulder. From his appearance, I could presume that he belonged to a high caste Brahmin family. I was totally perplexed because this was the first time that any Brahmin himself had come so near to me. No Brahmin ever even liked my presence near them. I always suffered from deep humiliation from them but this was something that I could ever imagine in this life.
He came near to me and spoke with humility that I couldn't believe if it was a dream or reality. He joined his hands together and with a high degree of politeness said something. I couldn't understand him because I was already lost somewhere with his gesture and such gratitude. All those rich Brahmin brats always hated and humiliated me as if I am not a human being and I do not have any existence in this world. They would curse me and bathe me with gold water if my shadow touches them. I was totally out of their circle. I remembered all the ill behaviour done by them.
"Is this your flower garden?" A gentle voice woke me up. I couldn't take my eyes off his eyes. They were so powerful.
"Yes, it is."
"Could you please provide me with some marigold? It's my prayer time and I've been looking for fresh flowers."
"Certainly, I've never seen you in this country. Your appearance is quite different from other Brahmins in this country."
"I'm Sujendra Kumar Upadhyaya. I'm from another country far away from here."
Sujendra Kumar Upadhyaya …We can't even think of these kinds of names. These names are the copyright of either royals or Brahmins. Anyone who tried to keep big names was seriously punished in my village.
"Is that a different country? Where is it and how did you come here?"
"Yes, it is. We are high-class Brahmin. We do not eat meat, garlic, or even onions. My life has become tasteless. I ran away from home and reached here."
"I thought this small place is a whole country. I didn't know there are other countries as well. You look so young. What is your age?"
"I'm just fourteen."
"Why did you run away? Your parents must be really worried about you."
"I always wanted to travel this whole country and my parents wouldn't allow me. They want me to become a great Pandit like my father. My father is a Rajguru of a king but I don't want to be Rajguru. I want to be free as a bird and taste everything that this nature has to offer. I know they are worried but I've other brothers who can take care of them. I will return when I'm tired of travelling and visiting new places."
"You've come a long way. Aren't you scared of anything?"
"Ha, ha... Absolutely not. I'm a Brahmin. In this country, no one can touch Brahmin. And apart from that, I know all the hymns and mantras written in holy books and I can narrate all the Vedas, Upanishads, Gita, Mahabharata, and Puranas as my effective sword. I've got easy access to all the temples of this country. I do not have to worry about food or accommodation. I can stay at any temple or place with proper hospitality. And why should I be scared? I'm a great disciple of Lord Shiva. He'll protect me wherever I go."
"We came empty and we'll go empty
All this wealth and luxury
Is not mine to be greedy
More I'll try to close my fist
More I'll lose
In the end, I'll have nothing to choose
The best I can do is to give
In this way, I'll be closer to my Shiv."
What was this? What did he say? These were the divine words that I've ever heard. These words simply attracted me towards him. Was he supposed to say these things in front of me?
"You should not be saying sacred hymns in front of an untouchable person like me."
"Who is untouchable here?"
"I am."
"How are you untouchable?"
"I don't know. But these villagers say that."
"You are not untouchable. If you are untouchable then I'm also untouchable. God created everyone equally."
"Then why can't I go inside a temple? Why am I isolated from everything?"
"Because they are scared of you. You don't have to go inside a temple to find god. God is inside you. He loves you as his son."
He looked so young but he talked very intellectually. His talks mesmerized me. For the first time, I felt like God loves me too.
"What is your name?"
"I don't have a name but my grandma calls me Bhairav."
"Bhairav! That is the name of a god. See, God lives in you. You are not able to recognize him."
My little mind could not understand what he was saying.
"Give me flowers. I like you, brother. I'll come to meet you every day till the time I stay here. Is it alright with you? Will you be my big brother?"
Brother! He called me brother. A highly reputed Brahmin called me brother. I couldn't believe he called me brother. He didn't call me pig or son of a whore or any evil thing. He called me brother. His words struck me like a cannon of flowers.
"How can I be your brother? You're like a wide sky and I'm just dust."
"Huh! You know something. Dust can easily mix in the air and touch the sky. So, we are brothers from now. I'll come tomorrow."
I really became numb with his words. How can a boy younger than me say such preaching words? I found a huge difference between the hypocrite Brahmins of my village and this small boy. How can he think in that way? His words just kept on dancing inside my head. His behaviour was eccentric. That whole night I just talked about him with my grandma. She too was surprised to hear about such a noble heart. I just waited for the next day to see him, to listen to him.
The next day, when the sun was above my head he came again. Unknowingly, with an agitated heart, I was waiting for him and I was happy to see him.
"Brother, I'm leaving tomorrow."
I was a little worried to hear this. "Where are you going?"
"I'm a devotee of Shiv. I got a call from him in my dream. I've to go to his temple very far away from here. He told me to bring you as well. I'm here to take you with me. Will you come with me?"
"How can I? I've never gone out of this place. I've got my old grandma to look after."
"We came alone in this world and we'll have to go alone. Death will not wait for anyone. Till the day we don't die, we have to live. There are many different worlds outside this one and we have to witness as much as we can."
Was this my first call to go somewhere out of my misery? How can I go out with someone who doesn't have any match with me? I'm black, he's white. I'm filth; he's a ripe fruit on the top of a tree. I can't even be his shadow. How can I walk with him?
"What are you thinking? You're coming with me, aren't you?"
"Why do you want to take me? You don't know me."
"I think we've got a special kind of connection. The day I saw you, I knew it. Sometimes, we spend the whole life with someone and we'll still be unaware of that person. But sometimes just a single meeting and a simple glimpse can connect it for a whole life. I feel that connection with you, my brother."
His every single word touched my deserted soul and I decided to set out on a journey with him.
"I'll come with you but I'll have to ask my grandma."
"Okay, but I'm not leaving without you. I'll see you tomorrow."
I didn't know whether I should go or not. I was scared to set out for a sail because I've never been out. But somewhere inside my heart, I wanted to. To come out of this dilemma I've to ask grandma. I rushed home.
"Grandma, I wanted to go out with that Brahmin. He said he wanted to take me with him on his journey to find his god."
"This is your call. You've made a good decision. I always wanted you to go out and see the world. Go, son, you have to go."
I had mixed feelings at that time. I was happy and scared at the same time. For the first time, I was willing to leave my place to explore, to transcend something beyond my ability. I was eagerly waiting for the morning, for the new sunshine and I was very impatient for that. I couldn't sleep for the whole night. A lot of things came and went like ocean tides.
Finally, a ray of the sun soon smeared this whole earth and it looked more elegant this time. I was all prepared to set out for this journey. Grandma packed some corn in a rugged cloth for our journey. After some time, he appeared in his white cloth as graceful as always. I couldn't take off my eyes from him.
"Are you ready to go?"
"Yes, but I feel strange and awkward walking with you. Still, I can't believe I'll be walking with a Brahmin boy."
"Look at this beautiful and pleasing sunlight. It has blessed me, you, your house, and your field with its soothing rays at the same time. This means Suryadev doesn't find any difference between you and me or any creature dead or alive in this world. He treats each and everyone with all sincerity. I don't see any difference between you and me. So, take that odd thing out of your mind."
Again, his every single word was like an eternal elixir that could directly touch my soul. Grandma kept her hands joining and blessed us for our journey. Kaale showed his eagerness to join us. I could read from his face. I asked him if he could join us. He said, "Dog is an avatar of Bhairav. He will protect us from every danger and he is the master of his own will." Kaale's face glowed when he listened to this. He finally looked at grandma's face in a pleading way and when she nodded her head, he waved his tail like a hurricane and madly danced around us. Now we were all ready to set out on a journey to some distant place. We paid our final reverence to the grandma and started to walk.
"How far is that place?"
"Very far away, Shiva doesn't show up that easily. He is a difficult god to find and this will be the farthest place we would be walking."
"We don't have anything, neither paisa nor enough food."
"We don't need anything. Our willpower is more than enough to lead us there. And don't forget you're walking with a Brahmin. I'll take care of everything."
I don't know but I had an immense amount of trust and confidence in him. Walking with him was like walking with a god. I already was blessed by him but still, I can't explain the eternal happiness to walk with him.
We walked through beautiful terrains, lonely roads, enormous thick forests, clean crystal rivers, even estranged bushes, and many more. I never realized this world is so big and it is so beautiful. We were now miles away from my home. We ate all the corn on our way. We had nothing to eat but still, we were not empty stomachs. The prasads from the temple were enough to feed us. Whenever we got hungry, he would go to the temple and bring sufficient food. When we had to rest, he would choose any house and we would have a comfortable night. Bullock cart, buffalo cart, donkey cart would serve as our transportation for short distances, and didn't have to pay a single penny. Nobody would take anything from a Brahmin. For every person we met, he would spell his magical mantras and we would be safe from everything. Different people helped us in their own way-some offering food, shelter, and transportation. After all, I was walking with a Brahmin.
"Have you ever tasted raw meat?"
"Raw meat! How can anyone taste raw meat?"
"Oh..that means you haven't till now. It tastes so good."
"What are you talking about? You do not have to cook."
"Oh! my innocent brother. It tastes so good without cooking."
"I didn't understand anything. You like raw meat. That is quite strange."
"That means you've never gone close to any girl."
"Why do I've to go close to any girl?"
"The fragrance of a girl is more powerful than your flowers. You should try sometime. You'll feel better. Ha, ha.. They give you extreme satisfaction. Don't you feel anything when you see beautiful girls?"
"No, I don't."
"Brother, girls are one of the most beautiful creations of Brahma. And sex is one of the greatest pleasures that humans can enjoy. I didn't know about this thing but last time when I tried I came to know about it. Some months earlier, I met a girl older than me out of my village. She wasn't able to give birth to a child even after two years of her marriage. Somebody told her that if she could have sex with a pure Brahmin, she could give birth to a boy. I met her while roaming in the jungle. By looking at my long glamorous ponytail, she pleaded with me to have sex with her. She taught me everything and after doing it, I felt like I was in seventh heaven. I don't know if she had a baby or not but I enjoyed it a lot. From then on I didn't force anyone but if someone needed my help, I do not hesitate to help. Ha, ha…So this is the raw meat I was talking about."
His talk made me oblivious. I could not understand him. A young high caste Brahmin and what he is talking about was weird to me. I've never thought of this kind of feeling and it never entered my mind. How can he talk about girls, about sex so freely? Nobody has ever talked to me in that way. He must be a great man who knows everything. His words might have inspired Kaale also and I could notice his waving tail and longing eyes for female dogs. We walked for several days and finally reached that divine land. From far away he showed me that hill and he said, "Our destiny is that hill."
I became lighter than air and I could feel that vibration I was unaware of. I was always abandoned by these deities. But I wonder if this is a time to have a real face-off. Will I be able to see, touch, and feel him. I couldn't wait for this confrontation. All those swarms of black thick clouds that always covered me were slowly fading away. The floods of emotions kept on exploding inside me. I couldn't hold my tears and silently it came out.
"What happened to you?"
"I never thought in this life I'll see him but now when I'm near to him, my feet are becoming heavy and my heart pounding unusually."
"Don't worry. All your worst nightmares will be soon gone now. We all come with a reason in this world and you still have something great to achieve. Every creature in this world has its own significance. Just wait for the right time."
Was my time approaching? But for what? Till now I've been living on my own. I am a poor, little, abandoned child for his own society. What would be my time? But as he said, maybe I'll wait for it.
Finally, a rendezvous scheduled a long time ago was about to fulfil. We were at the bottom of the hill. He pointed at the top and said, "Look, now we are about to reach there. Can you see that trident on the top?" I could barely see it because it was still a distance to travel but I could see the blurred image.
I felt the transformation of a different kind of energy inside me and my tired legs, body, and soul has rejuvenated again. We again have to pass through a final hurdle of thick forest and clew of leeches. On the way, I was busy plucking out the leeches that were enjoying piercing my body and sucking my cold blood. "You can take these leeches as a blessing because all your impure blood has been gracefully taken out by these tiny creatures. Now, you are as pure as any Brahmin in this country."
We stepped on the divine land. The clear blue sky, the chirping of birds, the cool breeze of air, the soothing sound of temple bells, and the magical hymns were extending their arms to embrace us. Out of reverence, I couldn't hold my tears. Now, I could see the huge trident and the tempting and charming idol of my deity which I thought I would never witness in this life. I couldn't take off my eyes from him. His magical charisma could lure any individual. My sense was senseless as I could not feel and think anything. I felt that I had received the ultimate salvation and the flow of energy inside my body was full of soothing fire.
"Let's pray for a while."
"But, I don't know how to pray."
"You don't have to do anything. Just close your eyes and feel him and spill all the grievances that you have till now."
I closed my eyes and joined my hand. I was in eternal peace and I couldn't think of any grievances. Instead, I was filled with gratitude that I was able to see him before my death. I felt like I got dissolved in him. After the prayer, we crossed the narrow hills and rested on the top of the cliff. I was scared to sit there and look down but he was my confidence. He took out some dried leaves and said, "This is the prasad of Lord Shiva. We'll have to take it as a blessing". Those dried leaves were familiar to me. It was ganja and I've never tasted it. We use it as a medicine for cattle whenever they have digestion problems. For the first time, I smoked with him and it took me to another world. Everything was spinning above my head and I could hear a loud voice in a form of a hymn from him.
"My desires are empty and soul so light
Today I received salvation tearing darkness with bright
My life is on his feet
Coming here, now I don't regret even if I go for a deep sleep".
I loved every word even though I didn't understand the meaning. We spent long hours there without speaking to each other. The panoramic and majestic view has held our legs and simply we kept on admiring the beauty of nature. After appreciating everything, it was time for us to leave and return. With the most elegant memories, we slowly started to move down.