Because all of a sudden I hit the reality , my image of myself was attached to Raj and now he was no more with me.
Its painful and felt me like someone took a part of me , life no more seemed meaningful. Day and night , summer and rains all were same for me , it was becoming difficult for me to find myself.
I never heard that song which he sang for me ever again.
I used to run away from the discussion if it was about any romantic couple or place or song.
I have never visited the places we used to go together.
I constantly asked myself "why us?"
I tried my best to stay away from anything that remind me of him.
I started spending more time in the library and laboratory as I don't want to show my pain and my scars to others.
I literally became a silent moony person that I was never before.
At night , I used to hold his picture on my hand and watch it for hours, talking to his picture for hours.
"god might be seeing that my heart doesn't want to be separated from you, he might be writing me in your fate".(talking with his picture)
"He can't be yours"(MY INNER VOICE).
"Shut up, I just want to be his, I want to cry in his pain, I want to be the medicine on the wounds of his heart ".
Again I started staring at his picture.
"God !Accept my worship , please write him in my destiny"I pleaded god.
Then I was unable to control my feelings in the name of Sacrifice so I grabbed my phone and texted him.
"My heart has worshipped you , it has desired just you, I have witten in my prayers that I don't want to live without you and I don't live in myself , I live in you and now I am just living without myself "
(Texted him).
Everynight after we brokeup I texted him and he didn't reply, which filled my soul with much more pain and agony.
My friends felt helpless watching me in that dark well of suffering but they can't do anything for me.It was the first time when I was hidding something miserable to my family especially to my mom.
Then I started writing my feelings in the Diary because I thought it would help me to overcome from that dark well of suffering.
"Dear Diary ,
whats in this body , its just the cover of the soul , whats there in this pain , its the search of love only.
This wish to love has destroyed me , I have only lost , in all the ways I could .
And what's his wish , only to destroy my heart and soul, I think that was his punishment too, but he have made fidelity infidel.
"Wow , how easily he separated you from his life. Now its my choice what to do, either you can be a better version of yourself or you can cry being a bitter person whom he made" (MY INNER VOICE) said me powerfully.
" No , I have to shine for my family, my friends and for my near and dear ones, I can't let them down only because of my pain and tears .I will become the better version of myself "I promised myself.