"Ugh..." Airi squinted her eyes when the bright sun rays fell on them. "Did I keep the windows open… uhn…"
Airi groaned as she slowly opened her eyes. She felt a bit annoyed by getting interrupted in her sleep. "Haiya, it was a nice one… nande…"
She stretched her body to remove the last bit of sleepiness she had. "I prolly slept for a long time, my body fu*king aches." She slowly got up from the bed and dragged herself in front of the mirror. She forced open her groggy eyes to see herself. And she was somehow shocked to see how messy she was looking. "Did I just play football the whole night or what?" She had such a serious bedhead that anyone could think she might have fought with someone, or, "Maybe I just had a lovey-dovey moment with the electric pole, wouldya look at the bedhead?"
Suddenly out of nowhere, her stomach growled loudly, alarming the fact that she hadn't eaten for a long time. "Guess I'd just fix this up and go get some grains."
She turned around to head towards the bathroom, just then her legs touched something lying on the ground. "Eh? What's that now? I seriously duwanna look at anythin' now. Who is lyin' there…"
She groggily looked at the thing after picking it up. "Huuh? Death note? Oh wait… no…" She looked closely at it, and soon the realization kicked in. "Eh? Isn't it the diary? I was reading it… then when did I…"
*knock knock*
She heard a knock on the door, and she hurriedly kept the diary aside and brushed her hair with her hands. "Yes?"
"Airi, you are awake? Are you going to come down to have breakfast?" It was Sara.
"Yep, I am. I'll head down after freshin' up."
"Sure then," and after that, she heard footsteps receding.
She slowly moved to the bathroom, and splashed a handful of water against her face. "Gash, my head hurts like sh*t. It hurts more than those election days."
Wait, election days?
What election days?
Suddenly, fragments of events came flowing into her like a huge wave. Those were fragments she saw in her long sleep. And when that came, she hurriedly grabbed the diary and flipped through it. "I was readin' this, then when did I sleep? And how long did I read it?"
She saw there was written about her first day at school, her friendship with Dew, Hazel, and Emma, her face-off with Rena, befriending Samuel, Clara, and all the things she had seen in her dreams. "Did those just come to me after I read this? Or I just dreamt it on my own? Her question was answered immediately when she saw there weren't any mentions about Carter, neither the mentions about the meeting with Maria's father. Not even the matters Clara faced…
"Wait, I wrote nothin' about Miss Celestine's assault? She flipped through again and again, but there was nothing in it. After the election results, there was something else written. So she started to read through it.
------
I might've won the elections, but after that, I lost a lot of things. I suppose you have heard about what happened to Miss Celestine. Of course, you did, because that one is going to stay as the hottest topic in the history of Sandra High. But the irony is, I could do nothing about it.
Even though she was my favorite teacher.
Even though I knew what happened to her.
Even though I knew who was behind it.
I could do nothing for her.
My favorite teachers, my trust in Sam, my trust in my parents, everything evaporated before my very eyes.
Yet, I could do nothing.
I just stared at that, and blamed others for everything.
I blamed my parents for not letting me go testify for Miss Celestine's case.
I blamed Sam for ghosting on her.
I blamed Rena, for provoking me to take rash steps.
But the actual blame should've been mine, and mine alone.
Because even after I got enough chances to make things right, I didn't. I couldn't think things through.
I chose to turn a blind eye to it, putting the entire blame on others.
That day, when the police called me and Sam to give our testimony, I was all prepared to go out. But all of a sudden, my parents didn't let me. They stopped me from going there. And I couldn't go.
I found Sam missing since that day, and I don't know where he is up until now. I didn't even try to find him. The only thing I did was to blame him, curse him, for not being by the side of the woman he claimed as his love, as his fiancee.
And all those disappointments, frustrations, turned into disgust, towards my parents.
I started to hate them, to insult them, to despise them, for whatever they did.
I started to mock them, curse them, for not letting me stay by the path they have taught me.
I started wishing for their death, openly, for submitting in front of injustice, in front of power. For becoming weak, and loser.
I know it might sound pathetic by now, but somehow, I never meant to be so hateful towards my parents. I was supposed to love them back, to have a nice peaceful day with them.
If I were them, I would have killed myself again and again. I would have abandoned myself to go die somewhere. But they didn't. Maybe parents are that kind, that good to their kids. I am sure I would have been a disgraceful parent if I were them.
I wish I never turned out to be like that.
I wish I had never started hating my parents.
I wish I understood why they did what they did.
I wish I could have sat down with them one evening, and asked them what happened, who threatened them, how did they do it, over a cup of warm hot chocolate Maa made.
I wish I would have searched Sam and asked him what went wrong.
I wish I had saved Miss Celestine.
By now you must have got what my regret is exactly. But don't worry, I will not ask you to go talk to my parents, or search for Sam. I will not even ask you to do anything about Miss Celestine, cause I won't prefer to say anything reckless that would make things messy more and more. My recklessness ruined a lot of things. I don't want to ruin things anymore. I won't even be there to take responsibility for it.
I just asked for a favor from you, in hope that you would back off. But seeing that you didn't. I am glad. Honestly, I just want you to listen to me. So, just listen to me.
This is my very first regret, my destruction done by me, myself.
I regret not listening to them.
I regret not loving my parents as much as I should have.
I regret not even being able to say 'I love you' to Maa, Paa for one last time.
And the laters, I have got more. But that can wait…
------
After that, there were a couple of pages left blank. So Airi closed that diary and kept it beside her. "Then I really did get some of my memories from my past life. But she never mentioned what happened to Miss Celestine or how anything happened after that."
However, the most important thing right now was the regret she mentioned. About loving her parents. Showing true care and love to them.
And that was something she could never afford to do. That was something that should never come from her.
All of these were imposing a heavy load on her. She started to freak out, panic, thinking about weird yet sure danger that could loom around them, just by the small act of kindness and love from her. She was scared of loving people. She was scared of showing any care for anyone.
Her fear, and her past life regret, was spinning around her head so much, she couldn't even focus on eating her breakfast. Even though she was hungry, and hadn't eaten for an entire day, she lost all her appetite. She couldn't look into those eyes that were tired, hurt for so long. She couldn't talk with those people who could've been left all alone losing their only daughter, lifeless.
On the other hand, seeing Airi silently picking on her food instead of eating anything, was painful for Sara a lot. And just like that, Airi went back to her room, nibbling on little food, leaving most of it on the plate untouched.
"Max, is she not going to talk to us anymore, all over again?" Sara nervously asked, putting her hands over his.
"Let us give her some time. It was our fault that she came to hate us. So there is no way she is going to ignore all this." Max tried to calm Sara down with his words.
"But whatever we did was for her, we couldn't help in that situation." Sara was in no position of calming down. "We had no choice back then."
"But we did support a crime, didn't we? And we were the ones who taught her to talk back against anything wrong. So isn't it right that we are being treated this way?" Sara had no option but to nod in agreement with Max's words.
"Let's just hope everything gets fine by some miracle, that's all. Or otherwise, that was the limit of our getting love from our dear daughter."
That old parents sighed in angst, deepening the folds in their forehead more and more.