[Side Journal Unlocked - Edgar's Quandary]
I don't know how long I've been staring at the tablet in my hand. Sitting here on my bed with the headboard as support, all I can feel is immense guilt and sorrow. Thinking of my conversation with Dakota last night, the feeling of knives stabbing at my chest intensifies.
"Don't you think my life worth overthinking over? I've already died twice."
Her deep voice echoed in my head like some kind of a curse. Reminding me of my indirect involvement in her deaths. Both her death as Dakota. And her near-death experience as Aaron.
I remembered her breakdown when she said she was poisoned back in the hospital. And I remembered her casual remark of seeking help while bleeding in a hotel room before falling into a coma.
"This bro will definitely dedicate the rest of his life to repay you." She joked back then. But I know her character. She hates being indebted. She was serious when she said that.
Am I a bastard for hoping you'd still feel the same way if you somehow found out about this, D? Can I still expect a little affection from you? Even as a friend?
Do I still have the right, though?
The phone on the bedside table has been vibrating for the last ten minutes and I've been ignoring it after I saw the caller ID. The numbers of missed calls kept piling up. I don't think I can handle Devon's ruthless reality slap through the phone this early in the morning but I know I can't keep on ignoring him.
Picking up the still vibrating phone, I touched the answer call button and brought it to my ears. It was silent for a few seconds before Devon's voice sounded from the other side. "Have you seen it?"
I hummed in reply. Both of us kept the silence going for a while more before Devon broke it with a resolute tone. "We should send him away. Away from us. We can't drag him into this mess anymore."
My heart clenched at his words. He didn't mention the name, but we both understand the person in question is Dakota, who is now known as Aaron. It was the right thing to do, but I just can't bear the idea of letting her go. Not again. Not after losing her before I even get to her.
I fell into a dilemma. Keeping her close would definitely hurt her. Hiding her away in some corner has been proven ineffective either. No matter what I do, I only cause her harm.
The only way to fix this is if I somehow managed to turn back the time and not take the initiative to approach her at all. Keeping our status as a total stranger.
Ma's death is something they called a necessary crime. Dakota's death is a warning because I have been snooping in their dirty laundry. While Aaron...I bear part of the responsibility since I carried the last name Hill as well.
"Edgar?" Devon's voice from the other end of the line woke me from my daze.
Calming my state of mind, I replied, "I heard you. But...I don't think it's a good idea."
Devon let out a sigh. Before he could reopen his mouth, I cut him off decisively, "Just look at what happened to D. I don't even show any excessive behavior towards her, but they still caught up with me. They don't even think twice before deciding to kill her off as a warning. I bet they already know about Aaron staying here with me and you've seen how serious this could get from the documents I sent you last night, no? Roland will be itching to silence him right now. If we send her away, do you think she can fend for herself?"
"I know that, but..." Devon's voice was tinted with guilt.
"No matter what, I won't let her out of my sight anymore. We made a mistake once. Let's not repeat the same mistake this time. She'll have me around to protect her from now." And if she once again falls to her death, I'll gladly join her.
There's no need to let Devon know the rest of my thoughts.
I heard another long sigh from the other end of the line before Devon's tired voice finally heard, "Alright. But Edgar..." a short pause, "It's 'him'. Not 'her'. How many times do I have to tell you? Stop deluding yourself."
I suddenly choked on my words.
"I don't think you realized the severity of this. One doesn't just randomly go gay in a blink of an eye, Edgar. You could've been feeling this way out of impulse since you can't accept D's sudden death. You might like the soul residing in that shell. But can you really accept his appearance right now? What if he really falls for you then, and when it's time to do the deed, can you honestly say you can?"
Listening up to this point, I can't help but think again. Can I? Was I really just being impulsive?
"Speechless? Take your time to digest that. While you're at it, do consider the fact that if you can suddenly bend yourself, D might be able to do that too. Worst of all, she has a better reason to do that."
I was thoroughly speechless. I've never thought of that possibility before. Now that I'm being made aware of it, I finally realized my scope of rivalry has expanded even more.
"Think it through. You've hurt her enough. Let's not rub more salt to her wounds." Throwing those sentences behind, Devon unhesitatingly hung up the phone. His words had me stuck in limbo.
I once again fall into a dazed state. I was only awakened from my stupor after an urgent "Watch out" was heard outside the door. It was Aaron's voice. I don't even bother to put on a shirt as I hastily make my way towards the direction of the sound.
The scene that greeted me upon reaching the kitchen entrance left me in a trance. Devon's words once again echoed in my ears.
Do consider the fact that if you can suddenly bend yourself, D might be able to do that too.
...
Worst of all, she has a better reason to do that.
...
Two figures silently stood near the kitchen counter. The woman was petite and adorable, while the man was tall and charming. They painted a perfect picture standing together, silently looking into each other's eyes, as if it was love at first sight...
It was only now that I realized, D being straight is unconventional for Aaron. And D being gay...is the "normal" for Aaron. I've yet asked for her views on this...
But Dakota and Aaron, are the same person. Whatever she'll become, I'd still love her. That was my resolution. Since she's now Aaron, I shouldn't refer to him as his old self anymore. Devon was right. I shouldn't delude myself thinking the real Dakota will return...
Regaining my reasoning, I shamelessly broke the two's eye contact and called out to the petite lady in the yellow dress. "Elle?"
Both of them turned their head in my direction at the same time. While one is wearing a smitten look, the other had a fond look plastered on his face. The two explained their commotion and I can't help but squint my eyes at Aaron, silently warning, "You better not be flirting with other people right in front of me. Especially not my sister!"
Done thinking so, I nodded and left the two to wash up in the room.
*****