How hard was it for me to act like a man, you ask?
Not hard at all!
Stereotypically, proper women are often described as soft-spoken, graceful, and modest. Too bad, I have never fallen in any of those categories. At times, I was even told the way I act is as boorish as men.
I have a minor case of gender confusion back in elementary school. I hold my parents accountable for that brief episode of mine. I still love them, though.
They've always wanted another son, but due to Ma's inability to bear another child, Pa might have been thinking, "Well, a daughter is a son too. Whatever.". Hence, he would take me out to your typical "father and son" trip and activities whenever he had the time. The result is a little girl walking around in boy's clothing with a rather boyish trait. After their death, my grandpa has never tried to comment on my behavior either.
I was only "fixed" when I had my first crush in middle school and as a bold person, I decided to approach the boy and confess. I know right? Middle school is too young to fall in love. What can I say? The shameful experience of puppy love...
When I told him I liked him, he gave me an uncomfortable look and said, "I'm not interested in tomboys."
The young and foolish me, who has never heard of the word "tomboy" before, proceeded to ask, "What do you mean?"
His answer was, word by word, as follows, "You're not cute like other girls."
I was then left to lament on which part of me wasn't cute enough to his liking by myself. I started observing the girls around me following the rejection, and only then did I realized, I do behave quite differently from them. And I finally realized why the girls have been avoiding me too. Turns out, I'm a freak.
Thinking that if I start being cute, my crush would like me, and the girls would befriend me, I started a self-rehabilitation journey to be a proper girl. At least, on the outside. I can't seem to shake off my rather manly traits entirely. Making me look like I have a split personality. At times, I would be as graceful as a swan. And at times, I would lose the elegance completely.
It was only when I reached adulthood that I found out there was actually nothing wrong with myself. It was just that, some people have a different definition/beliefs on girls/women themselves. Preferences, for short. I just happened to be one of those that men would like less...
My first love has mercilessly stomped on my feelings. But I have to thank him a little for giving me a "wake-up" call. Thinking back to his holier-than-thou attitude towards me, I can't help but snicker. I wonder how he would feel when he realized I've turned into such a hot hunk now. Fuck cute. I'll take handsome anytime, any day.
Returning to the present, Edgar has been silent after my "Tall is love, handsome is life" sermon and I have been daydreaming away myself. I forgot Edgar was a man himself, and he wouldn't be able to comprehend the feeling of a cultist who worships tall and handsome beings like me. It's only fitting it'd take some time for him to digest my words.
Finally remembering his damaged brain, I can't help but feel a little bad inside. I shouldn't have worked his brain even more...
Just as the awkward silence gets unbearable, Edgar's sonorous voice traveled to my ears, making me taste the greatest bliss of the world, "What do you think of western for lunch?"
He cast a glance in my direction, to which I responded with a grin, "Yes! I'm famished." I then gave my abs a few pats.
Don't ask where the breakfast I had just now gone to. After all the drama this morning, I've digested all of them in less than an hour.
A smile bloomed on Edgar's face as he drove us to the nearest restaurant.
*****
I have to give Edgar a thumbs up. This restaurant is one of my favorite go-to places. The legendary 'Zeppelin'. I don't know why the owner named the restaurant so, I only know that their steak and pasta always blows my mind away~
Due to Edgar's still recovering bruised face and the risk to my safety, Edgar especially looked for a restaurant with private rooms. We've also put on a face mask to hide our faces and Edgar had an extra hat on his head. We look like two celebrities hiding our identity, making the people in the restaurant throw curious glances at us as we enter the establishment.
I once took Edgar here back when I was Dakota and I booked a room for our meet and dine. I'm surprised he remembered this place since he has been abroad for quite a long time and our meeting back then was very short as he has to catch the plane back to F country.
Wiping off my greasy mouth after the satisfying meal with a napkin, I stood up and threw a nonchalant "Excuse me, nature's calling." at Edgar, to which he returned with a nod.
I'm very accustomed to the layout of this premise, so it doesn't take long for me to find my way to the restrooms. Two doors appeared in my line of sight, standing proudly side by side. I gave the signs on the doors a glance and with a smirk on my face, I pushed the one to the right.
Gents shall enter the gents, no? Hehe.
I was once again greeted by the sight of rows of urinals and cubicles. Giving the urinals a cold stare, I proceeded to enter one of the cubicles. The experience of having someone walked in while I get down on my business still left me with some psychological shadows. Not today, urinals!
My actions of urinating while standing can be considered fluid now. I enjoyed the feeling of not having to pull everything on my lower body down before I can find release. And I find the act of aiming the pee into the bowl fun. Almost like a mini-game.
But doing the number two is a whole different story. I always have to cup my cute two balls in my hand and pull it away from the back before I can calmly proceed to 'you know what'. I'm not sure how other men deal with this. Am I doing it right? I don't know. I just don't want my balls to get friendly with my poop...
If I have to complain, I guess I'm still not used to the feeling of having something dangling between my legs. It felt...weird. I was used to the feeling of nothingness down there. So when I gained this new organ, I felt a little like I've grown a...tumor...
Well, that's a minor issue. I'm sure I'll get used to it soon. Finally done with my number one, I gave the toilet a flush and went to the washbasin to wash my hand. I was the only one in the restroom right now. The sound of water and hand scrubbing echoed quite loudly in the clear space.
Click! Clack!
The sound of the locking mechanism seized my attention and I lifted my gaze towards the direction of the restroom door.
A man in a suit stood there with his back on me and I can't help but shiver. This back view...