The next day, Althea didn't come in the morning for our daily exercise.
No, that should be expected, given our bitter break-up the night before. So, for the first time in months, I was spending the morning alone. Well, ever since I'd moved into this apartment, I had been working out every morning alone anyway. So there shouldn't be any changes in my lifestyle.
There shouldn't be any changes...
Weird…
Was my living room always this spacious? Ah, the second yoga mat… Althea always brought her own yoga mat over, and since she wasn't here… I had more space. Yeap that makes sense.
I proceeded to do my usual reps, first starting with my cardio. Ten minutes of hardcore jumping jacks just to get started. Following that, I went to my weights and said: "Althea, are you done with your-... Wait, she's not here."
Inadvertently, I spoke Althea's name. Usually, after my warmups, I would guide Althea in whatever exercises she was working on. Alas, the girl wasn't here.
Strange… Did my subconscious mind already adapt to her presence?
As the day progressed, I found myself doing odd things.
"Althea, could you pass me a cup of tea-... Oh, she isn't here."
"Althea is the air-conditioner-... Again?"
"Althea, what do you want to eat-... She's still not here?"
I knew that Althea wasn't present in my apartment. I knew that very clearly. And yet, my mind just refused to remember. It called for Althea every few minutes, even though I clearly knew that she wasn't here.
Seriously… What am I doing?
The sun was reaching its zenith as the sky turned empyrean blue. It was finally time for lunch. While we had broken up, our prior arrangement still stands. Althea was helpless at cooking, and so I had to make all of her daily meals.
… It was already eleven; why isn't she here yet?
Did something happen to her last night? Was the heartbreak too much for her to handle? No, I can't keep worrying! I have to contact her!
Fortunately, before I could dial in the numbers, I could hear the door code being punched in as the doorknob spun open.
"G-Good afternoon, Desir."
"O-Ouh, you're here..."
Althea cautiously walked into the apartment, a far cry as to how she would typically behave. It was as if this was the first time she'd ever stepped foot in my home. That alienation… It prickled my heart a little.
This was your home too, you don't have to behave that way. I wanted to say that. But if those words left my mouth, it would be too cruel for Althea to handle.
Just as she'd promised me, Althea was keeping her distance. Her clothes were far more conservative than what she would normally wear. She sat silently on the dining room table rather than assisting me with my cooking. And most importantly… She didn't touch me.
When we'd first started dating, Althea had her hands all over me. It didn't matter if we were cooking or just doing our own things. Althea would always make intimate contact.
Kisses were given out like toilet paper, and hugs were on a fifteen-minute interval.
But ever since she'd entered my apartment… There was only an awkward silence.
"W-What are we having for lunch?"
"... Salisbury steak."
"A-Ah, one of my favourites."
"Yes, I-..."
I made it just in case you needed some cheering up. Those words were stuck in my throat. What the hell am I doing? I was trying to let Althea split off from me so that she could grow out of her feelings. So, why am I doing something so self-serving?
"Hmmm?"
"I-It's nothing..."
In the end, I couldn't say it. Seriously, I'm such a jackass. This was what I wanted, wasn't it? I had hurt Althea because I wanted us to grow apart.
"D-Desir, I..."
"What is it?"
"Can I just..."
"Just?"
"N-No, it's nothing..."
Ah, the feeling was mutual. Althea was holding herself back as well. Well, it was expected, wasn't it? She was fidgeting in her seat, and her face was anything but calm. I've known her for half a year now… The girl was wearing her heart on her sleeve, and I was the reason for it.
"I-I'm done!"
Althea finished her steak quickly and brought the dirty dishes to the sink. However, instead of lying down on the couch like she usually did, Althea went straight for the door.
"Where are you going?" I asked, stunned that she was leaving.
"H-Home..." Althea replied. "I-I don't want to bother you more than I've already done..." She once again shivered before turning back. Her emerald eyes became watery, and every one of her emotions were conveyed to me. "U-Unless… You want me to stay?"
"..."
Say yes! SAY YES! SAY YESSS!!!
"O-Okay… See you at dinner!"
"A-Alright..."
… What am I doing?
I clearly wanted Althea to stay; I wanted her to be with me…
So why did I send her away? Why does my mind vary so differently from my heart? What on earth am I doing?
I watched the young girl solemnly and quietly leave my apartment, but not before she shot a longing gaze in my direction. A thousand words were conveyed through that one look alone. I want to stay here. I want you to hug me. I want you to kiss me.
Alas… I couldn't answer those feelings.
"S-See you..."
"Okay..."
Closing her eyes, Althea turned her back towards me and fled to her apartment. A piercing pain surged through my heart, watching her react in such an agonising manner. Didn't I swear to protect her? To comfort her when she needed help? To be the man that shields her from the dangers of the world?
Urghhhh… I'm such a fool.
Why am I doing this again? Right… I don't want our relationship to repeat what happened to mom. Remember, Desir… The mental toll that relationships took on her. The pain that it caused both of us when she divorced my stepfathers.
Just remember that...
"It's fine..." I reassured myself. "This pain… It's only temporary. It will pass very soon."
I made this reassurance to myself.
❖❖❖
Days continued to fly past, and almost a fortnight had passed.
Two agonising weeks of awkward silences on the dinner table. Two superficial weeks of pointless conversations and stupid talk. Two… sad weeks of emptiness in the house.
When we were dating, Althea practically lived in my apartment. Apart from the times where she slept at home, Althea spent every waking hour with me. We exercised together, cooked together, ate together, played together, and on one occasion… even slept together.
Now, however, the girl was only here for lunch and dinner.
At most, she would spend an hour or two each day at my apartment, far less than what she'd normally did.
And funnily enough… I was the one feeling her absence the most.
Just as Althea had opened herself to me and gotten used to my presence. I had gotten used to her. She was my first genuine female connection, a woman that had given me warmth and love. And thus… It hurts that she wasn't by my side anymore.
"How's the pasta?"
"Good..."
"Okay..."
Seated at dinner, I watched the young girl twirl her linguine in silence. Ever since we broke up, Althea had become quieter and quieter. Although she would answer my questions, it was always in the form of a single word or a wordless gesture.
As I carefully examined the young lady, I could see signs of fatigue under her eyes. Her cheeks were beginning to hallow in, and she seemed to have lost weight. No, I was responsible for her meals, so I could definitely tell… Althea had become thinner.
There was nothing wrong with the portions she ate, and I ensured that she was given all the right nutrition. Based on what Althea had told me, she was frequently exercising at home as well. And yet… The girl had turned haggard.
If it wasn't the nutrition and it wasn't the exercise. That could only mean one thing…
There was a huge mental toll on her.
How did I know that?
Because I was the same.
Plagued with mental issues, my body was refusing to behave as per usual. I would feel tired after a while, I lacked the motivation to complete any of my tasks and… I began to hate my life. The grey, colourless life that I'd chosen.
Two weeks…
It only took two weeks for our relationship to sour to this point.
I missed the times where we could just sit around the house and be content with each other's presence. I missed the dates that we went out on, buying anything and everything that we wanted. I missed the warmth that Althea gave me just by existing.
Was I too naive? Could we not return back to the past?
"B-Bye..."
"Yeah… See you tomorrow."
Once again, we said our farewells way too early. Althea returned back to her apartment, and the beautiful colours that she brought with her disappeared. All that I was left with… was an empty apartment.
Heartbreaks heal? Whoever came out with that lie must be shot in the head! Every time I see her face, my heart shatters. Every time I watch her suffer, my mind cries. Every time I return to my cold and empty bed… I feel the desire to never wake up.
Mom… It hurts.
It hurts.
No! I have to be strong! Once I get over this phase, once I endure this pain… We will move on to better things. It's all going to be okay. Just take a nice long sleep, and it'll be alright...
And the following day…
I wasn't able to get up.