The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
-On Joy and Sorrow, Khalil Gibran
***
I attempted to calm my nerves and the brewing chaos in my mind. Since I stepped inside this basement, it's been doing nothing but formulate ridiculous scenarios as if it's whispering in my ears like an innocent angel reducing my sanity into a devious devil. I remembered a technique from a book I read long ago, it's about calming while breathing through your eyes. While I was immersed in doing so, I was completely unaware Von was calling me a few times.
"Raffy..." he called once again, unsure of what to say next.
I opened my eyes. "I'm sorry I raised my voice. Don't mind what I said. Go now and... don't come back until they're gone," I said, half apologizing and half angry. The last words weren't from me, though.
Unable to undo what I said, I sat back on the sofa. However, I heard gentle footsteps getting clearer as it came closer to me. The two candles from the back corner melted into nothing and now, the candle on the small table was left burning. I raised my head and met his eyes. He looked amused.
"Are you... perhaps... still afraid of the dark?" he asked, calculating.
"I would've fainted hours ago if that was the case," I defended.
"I see. It's good to know that you've—" I stopped him from continuing.
"Did you know what was my dream last night?" His eyes looked confused so, I continued. "I lost a tooth, and I didn't feel a thing despite the heavy bleeding...I'm.sorry never mind me. Please, just go on now. Any more minuted in this place and I'll suffocate," I ended and averted my eyes, intending not to continue the conversation anymore. I was glad he understood it and left.
Or so I thought.
I was closing my eyes then, before I felt his presence on the very spot where I last saw him. Nervously, I peeked through the small gaps in my lids. He never budged from his spot and stayed there. Minutes had passed. Silence had reigned long enough, so he finally spoke.
"You used to fear the dark," he said, lower than his usual tone.
I opened my eyes and my sight directly saw the ceiling, his figure clear from my peripheral.
"Long ago, yes. That's already part of the history."
"You've changed so much," he said.
The impostor angel on my left sheepishly smiled and spoke, "Maybe, I did."
"Why, Von? What were you expecting after suddenly disappearing without clearing things up?" I shifted my gaze to him. By then, he was already looking at me, unsure how to respond.
"Can't I make it back to your present?"
"There's no present for you to come back because that girl died long ago. She's gone," I said in a suppressed tone. My chest is feeling heavy and my head is getting hazy. A storm is brewing in my head.
"She's gone... but she was the reason I came back."
I gazed at him. He looked stupid with those sincere eyes. It was an unfortunate event, Von; I know, for I felt that, too. After all, I've been with that girl since birth and she was a bright and funny kid. Too innocent, at that. Losing her was like losing my sanity.
I stood up and faced him. "Your effort was futile. She's never going back."
His next action left me speechless. A pair of arms swiftly caught me in an embrace. The sudden action left me both enraged and in agony. I pushed him with all my might, but he just tightened his hold over me, squeezing me against his chest.
Damn this rush of emotion.
"Let go of me," I warned.
"I miss you... a lot."
"The feeling's not mutual," I said, cold as the Arctic.
"I still love you, Raffy. It never did—" I pushed him away.
"That's enough. I'm not 'that' Raffy, Von. She's gone, and I have replaced her. I'm sorry if you have to suffer against her selfish emotions and desire. It's best if you leave now before things get worse," I spoke, plain as ironed pants.
"But Raffy, at least hear me out!"
"Go! I beg you!" I shouted.
I heard a sudden knock on the door. My chest tightened, and I was never more aware of my surrounding than now. I gripped hard on my head, grunting in suppression while the knock gets louder and louder. No! I can't let you in! The sound of the pounding door was deafening. I wanted to shout, but I stopped myself. I can't let myself be exposed because that would mean another demise.
But the fight was lost, and the door opened with a loud slam on the wall. And there entered a person with a knife on its hand. Feeling robbed and beyond nervous, I tried to hid behind the sofa while Von was standing still on his spot unable to move, unable to speak.
"Raffy," he called nervously.
"Get away, Von! I swear! It's too dangerous!" I shouted at the top of my lungs, but my voice had already lost its volume.
I cried as I watch this heartbreaking scene. I instantly thought of ending my life, but even that was not a choice I could make. Even wanting to save him from this danger was no longer beyond my power. This goddamned thief and murderer was way too despicable. Fate was way too cruel. Of all times...
"I'm sorry, Von. I'm sorry..." I cried in hopelessness.
My hands lay lifeless on the floor. Tears had dried up on my cheek. Blood trickled from my face, leaving a stain on my dress. My eyes went blank as any student's answer sheet. With the power being restored, I still couldn't determine whether darkness was long gone or it lingered in my chest. Amd with no way of knowing the time, I sat there motionless and wondering.
"Raffy? Raffy?"
I felt light taps on my cheeks. I moved my eyes and saw Danica before me. Everything around her looked bright as day. However, the background doesn't seem familiar. It was neither her room nor mine.
"W-where am I?" I asked, my head still dazed.
"Oh dear," Danica uttered in pure sadness. She suddenly hugged me and sobbed on my back for as long as who knows when. When I felt muscle pain on my feet, that's when I pushed her.
I looked around and found myself in a basement of some sort. The place was hardly ventilated, the lights only came from a few light bulbs, and it smelled of earth and dust here. I looked down and saw how blood stained my clothes. Danica kept sobbing, so I quickly assumed I was hurt somewhere, but I couldn't feel any pain. Everything seemed okay as I tapped my entire body looking for any open wound and then I stopped on my chest.
It was beating perfectly fine. I closed my eyes and examined it closer, my hand still on the surface. No doubt it was fine. My heartbeat seemed normal yet, why does it feel oddly devastated? As if it's mourning and couldn't stop leaking painful cries.
"Danica, I'm fine. Y-you don't have to cry so much," I said trying to get up, but I failed. My feet felt numb, and it oddly lost its strength.
"Raffy..." she spoke in between her sobs.
I have never seen her cry like this. It looked as if she was mourning along with my heart. I reached out and held her hand as my eyes stayed glued to hers.
"What's wrong? Look, I'm fine. Don't worry too much," I assured her, thinking she got scared as she came upon the blood on my clothes... Wait, when did I gain so much blood when I didn't have any wound on me?
"Raffy, I can't...he's d-dead...I n-never...it's all my fault—"
"Danica slow down. Who went what? Speak clearly, you're scaring me!" I exclaimed shaking her shoulders as she sobbed and buried her face in her palms.
It took her a while to answer me. Feeling I couldn't get any answer from her, I looked around. At the one corner, few meters away from me was a lifeless body.
My heart went out of control as my mind went ahead of its imagination. I shifted my gaze back to Danica. And nervously, I asked her.
"D-danica... who is t-that?" I inhaled deeply. "Whose body was that?" I asked, demanding an answer.
"Raffy..." she looked at me with his eyes full of pain and sorrow.
"Von is dead."
And with those three words, I lost it. If 'I love you' was the sweetest word, you could hear from someone then what Danica said tasted like bittersweet. How did Khalil Gibran say it... your sorrow is your joy unmasked, was it not?