After eating supper with Bree and her parents, Bree and I walked back to her house to stay for the night. She's an only child so it's always really quiet at her house, like mine.
"Do you wanna go lay on the trampoline?" She asked me as she threw on an old tie-dye t-shirt and denim shorts.
"Yeah let's smoke that other blunt." I said as I changed into a matching tie-dye shirt.
"Fine with me, my parents won't say anything. as long as yours don't catch us we should be fine." She said as she shrugged her shoulders.
"I don't really care at this point anyway, what are they gonna do? Keep us from hanging out? I'm already moving. Who cares." I said as we both started laughing. Dark humor is good sometimes.
We walked through her house to the back door, barefoot, we tip-toed across the rocky backyard to the trampoline.
Grass doesn't really exist in Arizona unless you like to pay hundreds for your water bill.
"You better come visit me. I don't know how I'm gonna do school without you." I insisted as I hit the blunt.
"I'll be up there as many times as my parents allow me to. Don't worry." She smiled, but I could tell she was sad.
We passed the blunt back and forth for what seemed quite awhile when she interrupted the silence, "I don't know how to ask this, or if I should, but I just.." she trailed off and took a deep breath to start again, "I want to understand why you starve yourself." She said boldly.
I tried to answer as though I wasn't shocked, "I think after Henlie I just, I felt like everything I had control of was gone. Everything that grounded me, was gone." I paused to take a hit, "I think I just broke. As fucked up as it sounds, not eating makes me feel like I have control in my life. I feel like it's the only real, actual thing I have control over, all the time." I tried to answer as honestly as I could on the spot.
I could tell that made her sad, "I figured that's when it started. I knew something was wrong right away, especially when you didn't bring your stupid chicken and veggies to lunch anymore." She prodded at me.
We both laughed, and she leaned over to give me a hug. "I love you dude, don't forget about me." She said as she stared at me, appearing to take in every detail as if I would disappear any second.
"I could never." I said as we broke apart from hugging, "ever."
——
I woke up to the sound of birds.
They're the kind of birds that you can whistle at and they'll repeat the tune back to you.
I can't whistle, but Henlie could always get those birds to sing a whole song it seemed.
I miss that.
I peered over at Bree who was still sprawled out on the trampoline snoring.
I laughed and took a photo with my phone, knowing this would be the last time for a long time it would be like this.
If it would ever be like this again.
I nudged her awake, "shit we fell asleep out here." She said as she yawned and stretched her arms above her head, "want a stogie my dude?" She asked as she balanced a cigarette on her lips to light it.
"Yes ma'am" I said as I stole her cigarette from her hand, "I sure would."
She shook her head laughed as she pulled another from the pack.
"After we fill the U-Haul we don't have anything planned for the rest of the day. We should go up to camelback for a couple hours." I gestured.
"That sounds like a plan to me, i kinda have something I wanna do so that works perfect. Plus we have until tomorrow morning technically..." she smiled and batted her eyes at me jokingly, "soooo...." she laughed and ran inside.
I waited on the trampoline for her to come back.
She came running out with an orange pill bottle, she tossed it to me as she climbed up onto the trampoline.
"Ah shroomies." I smiled.
"Soooo??? Do you wanna do it today?" She asked excitedly.
"Of course I do, I think as long as we eat them by 2 I should be good to go home in the morning. You think?" I shrugged, "last time they only lasted, what? 5 hours?" I asked but was already certain.
"Yeah I think so, I say fuck it. Let's do it." She was so excited.
——
We walked back across the street to my house where a huge U-Haul truck was backed into our driveway. I tried not to look as I walked past it.
When I opened the front door it was a shock, everything was gone.
Empty.
Our whole life packed into boxes to go somewhere else.
How could this really be happening?
When we got to my room my parents were in there waiting for me and I already knew I was in trouble.