Have you ever wondered what it feels like, to die ?
I bet it feels like nothing.
No guilt, no love, no resentment, no regrets, just nothing.
Toady was a really bad day, and I was again tempted to end it all but you can say I'm a coward.
They say a bad beginning makes a good end, what if it only gets worse from there.
You are too young to be feeling like that, what if I grow up and it never gets better, what if I'm broken.
Time heals all wounds but it leaves nasty scars.
I can't believe I called him, I couldn't help it I wanted to hear his voice atleast once.
He picked up and said " Hello "
My heart raced.
It was him, the one who touched my heart and left his prints on it.
The one who made me feel like no one has ever.
The one who thrashed my heart and left it bleeding.
The one who I crave for.
I cut the line after and laid on my bed to try and catch some sleep.
Jerome was still ignoring me and it hurt, mom, like usual had her own battles to take care of.
The loneliness got to me and I don't know when the first tear rolled from my eye, and the second one. I know when I start crying I can't stop. I'm still the same naive, sweet girl I hate so much.
She was so stupid, always tolerated shit from anyone, forgave and forgot, she was too gullible she was way too nice to notice some things.
I hate her so much. But she is me.
I hate myself so much.
They say always mind the person you're making memories with, they may become a burden, a drag. And that there is always enough love for everyone if you are not loved love someone else, It helps. Well it fucking doesn't. How can you love someone else when you still love another one a little more than you had to. You should always try to love a little less. You never know where it's heading.
I was young, I admit it.
You may think it's stupid and childish.
But is young love any different, is it flawed and unacceptable. It is less of love...
It's innocent. And that's a really beautiful thing.
It is free of complication like lust and doubt.
It is pure love.
It was pure love.
I was still crying myself to sleep like I normally do when you came. I had heard knocking since long ago but had ignored it. It stopped for sometime but then again. Mom was sleeping and I figured she had used the sleeping pills again. She would've heard but didn't hear because of those pills. I have a bunch of them with me but I don't use them to sleep not because of anything healthy but because I want to feel every single bit of pain maybe then I will learn to hate the world and be a little stronger.
And also I would use them in the near future, if needed.
It was you,
I had completely forgotten about the party or whatever. I didn't want to go and didn't recommend you to go but I always fall short in convincing people.
You noticed I had cried and it made you uncomfortable.
I had scribbled myself and cleared myself and looked best. . . well better.
But still you noticed I wasn't ok.
But then you just had to ask.
" Are you okay ? "
I controlled my anger.
But then you went again. I wish you knew how bad I hate those words.
But thanks not many people ask me that, in any case it's only you. Thanks Chilly.
You wanted to fit in so bad for some reason, but you fit in just fine, you don't have to try.
But a baby bird is left to fly on its own, I let you be and wandered else where. The stories they told me about that place scared the shit out me and I wanted to go but didn't want to leave you behind, I should've left.
It was a bad kid's Den.
The girls had said.
But they were also there, were they bad kids ? they didn't say. I didn't believe then anyway.
But then I saw it all.
The freedom that was there. Parents get scared to grant there kids a lot of freedom because, they think, freedom spoils but let me stop you there, it's a kid's mind to know the limit.
You came from behind me.
You reeked of alcohol and I wanted to puke, you smelt of smoke and other drugs I don't know of.
You were drank.
And you said the words I thought I wanted to hear from you.
" Jenny. . .I need you " But you were drunk.
" I want you " they still ring in my head,
I realized I didn't want to hear those words from anyone else except him.
You let me down. . .
Why was I created like this ?
If anyone could answer this question then maybe I would try to love myself a little bit more.
I always want to see the better in people but they never stop disappointing me. It hurts.
And what hurts more is that I forgive them and they hurt me again and the cycle continues.
But not today, I'm strong. I won't let it happen again, Troy.
There is this look in your eyes that cries for help.
You are stupid.
I hate you.
But when you said.
" Jenny, help me " It reached my heart.
I don't want to but I have to. . .
***to be continued....