A sandstorm buffeted my face, and I realized how thirsty I was. Stumbling around blindly, I rolled down a dune, taking minor fall damage. Sometimes, the environmental particles would clip into my skin, dealing no physical damage but triggering all my pain receptors.
"Sweet Cersei brotherfucking Lannister!" I screamed as if a dozen fire ants decided I was a snacc.
As with most open-world games, the landscape was mostly empty, and thankfully I haven't run into mobs yet. Deep in a desert of red sand, I was lv1, and I had already lost a third of my hp to random bullshit.
The framerate was so bad that I could teleport walk. Even without the sandstorm, my vision was limited to half what an average human could see to save money on rendering.
Let's check my stats. Everything was RNG generated; classes, skills, and stats. I had no frame of reference to what any of this meant, as I have never played this game before, but thankfully there was a statistical distribution next to the menu to compare yourself to other players. Hmm... I was bottom left of the bell curve. That must be good!
I jumped in joy, horror creeping on my face as I realized I would take fall damage on the way down again.
"OW, OW OW OW OW" I rubbed my ass like a cartoon. Then, watching my life literally drain before me, I sighed.
Oh yeah, I forgot to check my class. Hmm... I was a 'retarded villager #133017'. Footnotes read intelligence-based growth, as he would need it (IRL).
Fuck you, agent! I wanted to be a paladin, but he Gandalf-ed my ass. I can feel the strength in my arms fading, but I never worked out before, so I don't know what it means to be strong. On the bright side, I hope my future classes can teleport cause walking is turbo-murdering my feet.
A giant Exclamation tore through the sands and headbutted me. Instantly, I scrambled away from the red circle of danger it indicated, getting away just in time before an lv36 Greatwurm almost devoured me. The size of a subway, the dildo-looking piece of shit erupted from the sand, nearing catching my patchwork leather left boot.
Along with five sets of rotting incisors that leaked acid, it also had hard sandpaper skin with random horns protruding. Sensing it missed its prey, the Greatwurm burrowed back into the sand.
"Can't believe I almost died ironically," I joked, forgetting it was bigger than a Detroit mansion. When I was a kid, I used to pick worms on rainy days, dice them up, then feed them to the girls in my class. Guess I almost got what I deserved.
A flying scroll hit me in the head, taking away half my remaining health bar. Sweet Merciful Antichrist! Is it a map of the starting town? An explanation of what the fuck is going on? My HUD ain't got jack shit.
"50 simple ways to enlarge your penis." It read.
Fuck. I give up. These fuckers somehow put pop-up ads in a game for people about to die.