A company driver has arrived to collect Yanni and I from the hospital, and while he begins the huge task of taking our belongings to the car we finish up our discharge paperwork.
We are free to leave.
That's it, turfed out with nowhere to go. I can't go home, to my parents or Laura's, I have to stay in London to assist with the Lola case, and the ease with which Harry took me from a hotel has me scared to stay in another for a while.
I know it's irrational, after all, he's in prison on remand at the moment. I'm technically the safest I've been in years right now, but I just don't feel it!
Yanni kisses my forehead, rousing me from my musings and says he's going to help our driver with our belongings or we will never get out of here.
Between us we have accumulated hundreds of cards, gifts and flowers from friends and family. I didn't realise I knew so many people, or how touched I could be by their care towards me, although the shame I felt was crushing me a little more with every well wish I received.
Smiling into his perfect face I nod and lean forward, pressing a featherlight kiss on his lips, then tell him I need a few minutes alone to get some air and straighten my mind. Promising to bring him his favourite coffee on my way back I turn and start to walk away, telling him not to worry as I'm fine. He reluctantly sends me a small tight smile, nodding almost imperceptibly, then heads back toward the lift to grab another bag of belongings, calling over his shoulder for me to be careful, and also, and I quote.... "Dont make me come looking for you!"
I giggle and head for the exit, smiling at his cheek, but not missing the underlying need to protect me he is exhibiting. I've spent the last three days telling him that I can function perfectly well, washing, dressing and feeding myself..... all things he has tried to do for me. I'm a bit beaten but not disabled in any way. I explained that if I didn't just get right back out into the world and back to my life Harry will have won. I won't give him that satisfaction, so as much as my heart and soul are desperate to give in and allow Yanni to care for me, my mind is fighting back, steadfast in its determination to show Harry that he cannot break me..... even if I secretly believe he may already have!
"Syd?"
I'm pulled from my thoughts by Noah who I notice looks dirty and dishevelled, and frankly smells awful!
"Noah?! What the hell happened to you? You look dreadful, and..... Oh God, you smell way worse! What's going on? Why?" I gesture towards his tall thin frame.
I'm sure he is wearing the same clothes he had on 4 days ago when he first took me to Yanni! He can't be..... can he?
"Oh, erm..... sorry, it's just that I've been staying here at the hospital since you guys were admitted and, well..... the facilities, not really meant for long stays as a visitor!" he replies sheepishly, plucking his T-shirt away from his body and sniffing his armpit. The look on his face telling me in no uncertain terms that he is very aware that he is currently kicking up a stink that would make a mange afflicted skunk with a scat fetish smell like a baby angels skin after bath time in comparison!!
"We're leaving soon Noah, we've just been discharged, although where we are going I don't know!" I shrug my shoulders before resuming my walk towards the exit.
"I told Ferdi to ask you to come and talk to me, but it can wait. You should go and get cleaned up. Have some sleep, eat something... rest! We can talk tomorrow" I suggest. He really does look horrendous.
"NO!" he barks powerfully across the atrium, the sound reverberating around the stark white vaulted space causing many heads to turn in his direction.
What an idiot!! He has one of the most recognisable faces in the world right now and here he is, looking and smelling like a tramp who has just enjoyed a night of extreme debauchery in a distillery with a herd of fresian cows, creating drama that could lead to him being recognised.
I swiftly cross the shiny granite floor and take him by the arm, sending tight smiles to all the rubberneckers watching this scene unfold and guide him towards the exit doors, holding my breath at the smell of him!
Once outside in the bright but bitter Spring sunshine, and far enough away from the doors to prevent snoopers I stop and spin on my heels until I'm directly before him and glare into his eyes, just inches from mine.
"What. Was. THAT!??" I growl under my breath, punctuating each word by poking him hard in the chest. I can't believe he just made such a scene, and tell him so in no uncertain terms, pulling no punches as I vent my spleen!
"Look, Syd, I'm sorry ok!? I just can't wait to talk to you any longer, and when you told me to leave something snapped inside me. Look at me!! I'm a wreck. I can't sleep, I've barely eaten, the guilt is enveloping me in a darkness that is suffocating. I know I deserve all of that and more" he says, clearly reading my face and body language well..... "but I have to tell you why!" he finishes in a whisper.
I stare back at him unblinkingly for a few seconds before stepping back and unfolding my arms, that gesture alone making my shoulders relax, some of the tension leaving my body, along with a deep breath.
"Ok Noah, talk!" I say as I head towards a rock garden and perch on one of the large ornamental stones. He follows behind and sits beside me, his gaze fixed straight ahead on the ambulance bay opposite us. I watch his face intently as he begins to speak, my truth radar springing into action.
"I'm English you know. Did you know that? I moved to Australia with my father when I was 10. We moved over to live with his sister and her Australian husband Dan when life got too hard for Dad after my mum died. Auntie Lin was going to help care for me and get me enrolled in school, Dad was going to work on their ranch. I was excited about the move. Id had no friends as I'd been somewhat home educated, if you consider helping Dad sell shoes on his market stall an education that is. We had mostly been alone for my whole life as my Mum was sick in the hospital a lot, so it was nice to have a family, cousins to play with, good food to eat..... dad was a terrible cook. I started school, met the guys..... life was pretty good!"
He is smiling serenely as he talks about this, his voice soft and nostalgic, but then a cloud crosses his features, he frowns and his tone becomes less mellow, harder and clipped! He continues to speak and despite wondering how any of this is relevant and having many questions about that fact, I remain silent, allowing him to explain at his own pace. I can see how desperately he needs to tell me this secret that is quite literally killing him right now. I'd really have liked Yanni to be here to hear this too, but thats not the way this has panned out.
"Uncle Dan. Typical Ozzy bloke, rough outback type, big, hairy, hard working sheep farmer..... liked a tinny with his mates at the end of the day, sometimes a little too much, played footie at the weekend, he was everyone's mate. Helpful, funny, friends with everyone. A top man that everyone loved. I spent lots of time with him, it was nice to have a male role model who wasn't a broken man, who knew how to have fun, and was a cool guy to boot. He taught me to fish, shear sheep, play football. I thought he was great. My cousins all seemed to be afraid of him, but I just presumed it was because he could be quite firm, expected us all to do chores, demanded respect, and got it. How wrong I was about him" he reminisces morosely
His mind has clearly wandered away at this point, his face is blank and he hasn't moved or spoken for a couple of minutes now. I place my hand on his knee and his body jolts, his eyes widen and he releases a shuddering breath. None of what he is telling me is giving me any clue as to why he chose to betray me and serve me up to Harry. I'm about to ask him about that when he shifts on the rock, turning his body in towards mine and almost whispers....
"He raped me Syd! Amazing Uncle Dan spent 5 years abusing me in some of the most horrifying ways. I grew angry, disobedient, combative, surly, withdrawn. Couldn't keep up with schoolwork, began drinking and smoking weed... Auntie Lin just assumed it was due to my raging teenage hormones, Dad never really passed comment, he was always drunk or sleeping anyway.
But my cousins knew. They knew because he had done it to all three of them too. The guys also knew something was wrong, and I spent as much time as I possibly could at the Smith house, safe. Yanni has always been my closest friend, and he had his suspicions but as I was so ashamed I never told him, despite his years of trying to encourage me to talk. I knew he would always be there for me, and I felt sure I'd tell him one day, but saying the words out loud terrified me..... almost like suffering the abuse all over again. I'm sure that's why Yanni invited me for dinner almost nightly, and the Smiths took me on their vacations every year. I had spent that 5 years searching for reasons that this was happening to me. Was I bad!? Did I deserve it? How could nobody see what was right under their noses. I turned my anger on those around me, fighting, challenging authority, acting out, the whole time growing more and more resentful and angry. This was happening because I was here, brought here because my Dad was a loving but inadequate parent, after spending years of his life trying to hold everything together while my mum got more and more unwell. It broke him to see her like that, and he basically shut down as the years passed. I hated him for being so pathetic, but could see why he was that way. Blaming him wasn't going to help. I needed to find the cause of my mums mental breakdown, believing that whatever had happened that had changed our lives so dramatically must be the reason for all the terrible things happening in my life. I needed to find the person responsible for everything I was suffering and make them pay. Make them feel my pain and my shame. I needed to find you Sydney" he says pointedly