"Noah!! I'm so sorry that happened to you. Truly. But I don't understand what this has to do with why you gave me up to Harry? I'm even more confused now, especially since you clearly know how the spectre of abuse effects a person. Why Noah?"
He rubs his palms on his thighs, almost rhythmically, a grounding method I myself use to calm nerves and settle my mind. He runs both hands roughly through his lank and greasy hair and sighs deeply.
"You have no idea what it does to you inside! To want something that's so bad, SOOOO badly!! You know it's wrong, but you're compelled by something insidious. A need for answers, the desire for retribution fuelling you. You eat, sleep and dream plans. The need to tell someone how much you hate them, and the thought of it consumes you! You don't see past the thick and cloying veil of red mist and consider all possible outcomes, and you certainly don't expect to find that the person who you blame for stealing everything from you is actually a wonderful person, and not the monster you were told about!
I made a decision in a highly emotional state for which I will never be able to fully atone. Harry is a hard guy to say no to, you know!? He made me believe that punishing you was my idea, convinced me that it was the right thing for me to do to start my own healing process. After a few discussions with him about his plans I realised that giving you up to Harry so he could put you through what I KNEW was soul destroying, excruciating torture and torment made me no better than him, or Uncle Dan.
Of course, Harry is a conniving bastard, and when I tried to back out he told me that he had my ring and would happily hand it over to police, knowing that there were imprints of its design on her body. He had already planted a glass at the crime scene that I had used when we drank together, that would implicate me in her murder. He has friends in the police and they told him they had a DNA profile but had found no record of this person. He then went on to say that with one phone call he could furnish the police with enough additional evidence to have me arrested and charged for killing Lola. I didn't know how to get out of this situation, so I decided that I would have to play along with him, make him believe I was on board, but actually do everything in my power to keep you safe, hoping to find a way to prove I didn't kill Lola, help Ben and Mrs T, and get Harry put away forever so he couldn't hurt you anymore"
My head is throbbing, thoughts and questions whizzing around my mind like startled bats is a cave, but the overwhelming question still remains. Why did he want to punish me in the first place?
We'd never met before, had no common friends, nothing. No link. What could I possibly have done to deserve this? Had I written a piece that he objected to? Maybe, some of my fan fiction was a bit saucy, perhaps he didn't like being portrayed that way? I ponder this for a moment or two and realise that it can't have anything to do with my writing because he said that he'd been looking for the cause of his mothers breakdown, which had happened almost 20 years ago! I'm so confused.
I look up from my lap and find Yanni striding purposefully towards us, a terrifying mask of fury on his face as he does. I immediately jump to my feet to placate him, running my hands over his chest and telling him I'm ok while he glares murderously at Noah, who remains seated and is wide eyed and pale.
"What the fuck is this? What are you doing here with HIM? WITH HIM!!? Are you crazy Syd? Come on, let's go" and he attempts to pull me with him. I resist and he looks questioningly at me, before understanding that I need this conversation as much as Noah does. I hug him and ask him to stay with us and listen, it may be good for him too, but more importantly, I want no secrets between us. He huffs out a heavy breath and turns to Noah.
"Make it good Noah" he spits before sitting on a rock opposite him and grasping my hand, crushing my fingers in his.
Noah gulps visibly and shifts his position on the rock before inhaling deeply, then continues to speak.
"We've met before Sydney. You and me..... a long time ago. Our mums were friends. We were going to be in the same class when we started at school, but I was sick on the first day so didn't go, mum had to stay home from work, take me to the Dr and look after me. I remember that you didn't make it in on that first day either."
I stare back at him blankly. I have no memory of him at all, but he's right about me not attending the first day of school.
Yanni is watching me closely and places his hand on my knee before glaring at Noah quizzically. I'm unable to formulate any kind of reasonable response to Noah's words as I dig back through my damaged brain, searching for a memory that will help me to place him. My mum had lots of friends and a few of them had kids around my age, he could be any one of them, but I don't remember anyone called Noah. I'm so confused and as I continue to stare vacantly at him I hear Yanni speak, worryingly softly.
"Noah, I'm working incredibly hard not to beat the shit out of you right now for what you've done, and I'm tired of this long drawn out explanation. I promised Syd I would keep quiet and let you speak, but God help me.....sorry Syd, can you just get to the fucking point!! I want to get out of here"
Noah stands up and walks a few steps away from us, scratching at the back of his neck before turning around to look at us, or more specifically me.
"When we moved to Australia, leaving behind our old lives, we left our old names behind too. Dad changed our names by deed poll. Our surname now, Wilson, is my Mothers maiden name, a kind of tribute to her, to somehow keep her alive and in our lives. He let me choose my own first name. I named myself after my favourite TV star at the time"
Ok, so I'm understanding that Noah was not his name when I would have known him, but that does not help me place him. Come on Syd..... think.
What on Earth could your 5 year old self done to ruin his life by causing his Mother's mental breakdown?!
I feel the icy fingers of realisation grab me by the stomach and squeeze... hard! Nausea washes over me, bile burning my throat, air trapped in my lungs and my head spinning.
"Thomas!??" I croak, my mouth as dry as Ghandi's flip flop. Oh my God, it all makes sense now.
Noah nods, his mouth set in a grim line. Yanni is looking between the two of us, confusion on his face.
"Can someone just tell me what the fuck is going on here!??" he barks impatiently.
I am studying Noah's face closely, scrutinising his features. The hair is the same colour I remember but the years since we were 5 have changed his features completely. Noah, for his part remains silent, watching Yanni, perhaps to successfully avoid the explosion I feel sure he is expecting.
He clearly isn't going to speak further, so the explanation is left for me.
"Yanni, let me introduce you to Thomas Cooper...... baby Dolly's brother!!"
"Who is Baby Dolly?" he questions.
I swallow my anxiety down, look Noah directly in the eye and reply.
"She is the baby my mum minded.... the baby I killed!" My voice quivering at the end of my sentence.
Noah frowns and looks at the floor, his hands in his back pockets. Yanni blinks furiously for a few seconds, then stands and quietly walks away from us, disappearing through the revolving doors back into the stark whiteness of the hospital atrium.