"I am sick Sezia." I said that made her look at me.
"I don't want to tell others that I am fucking sick, because I don't want them to hang out with me because of pity, I don't want them to be my friends because they I am pitiful, I want them to be my friends because they want me." There, I already said it. That's true,
I want to be their friend because they want to, not because I look so pathetic.
"Wh-what kind of sickness?" She asked. Hear eyes were locked unto mine, she is very attentive.
"Heart problem, there's no cure over it, only transplant will do, but who the hell is insane to donate their heart, right?" I ask out of frustration. But her kind of expressions can't escape by my sight, pain stabbed on her face when I answered her, but still she managed to change it too fast. The pain that I've noticed lately, fades easily.
"Me!" She said emotionless.
"Are you crazy?" I blurted out because of shock.
"Yes, I am!"
"Fuck, do you think that's a good joke?" I got pissed thinking about how easy to her to said that she can donate her heart it is same as saying that you want to die. It's a suicide, donating your heart is a kind of suicide, I don't know what I feel but when she said she; s serious I can feel that she's in pain, she has something in her life making her thinking or volunteering about donating her heart, I felt so bad about it.
"No, it's not, that's why I'm serious. I am not joking, accept it I am willing to donate my heart to end my burdens, Wanna know why?" I can't read any emotions on her. She is so mysterious.
"Why?" I asked her with a small tone.
"I am tired of my life, I want to end my life, I want to stop breathing, I am so tired to live. I am not a bad kind of person to experience this such things, I'm tired, I want to take my rest, my eternal rest." She answered while her head is looking at the mat. "The world is so cruel to me, all I want is to live without pain, but why I can't have it? every time I open my eyes pain always greet me, when I am about to sleep there's also pain, why this fucking pain don't let me live just once without pain." She said in a very painful tone, I can sense loneliness, and pain she's gone through a lot in her life. "All I want is to love peacefully, to continue breathing without worries, to eat what I want, to live normally like others do, but I can't live my life like them. I am mad to everyone this explains all of my behaviors, I sometimes blame the God, asking him on all people why he choose me to suffer, I am curding my life to death."
I see the tears that rolled down her cheeks, I want to wipe those tears but I refrained myself. I hold to myself to avoid noticing her tears.
She secretly wiped the tears on her cheeks so that I pretend that I didn't notice the tears.
I hear her sigh trying hard to suppress her emotions, she tried so hard to not broke her voice. I can't smile right now, I can feel her pain, even though I don't know her problems I know now her pain. Her life trying to fight against the pain she's been through even though she really wants to give up.
"Yeah, the world is so cruel, it can't let us live with just happiness. The world always brings sadness and pain to our daily living that's why we need to keep stronger. We need to brace ourselves to prepare for other pain that stab in our heart, what we've been through today is just a way to make us strong. Frankly speaking I am just waiting my time, I know that it is near but still I enjoy my life because this once in a lifetime experience is the best for me, even I am suffering too much, I always thanks God because he given me a chance to live and to see his wonderful creations." I said as I looked at the ground. Thinking about the physical pain that I'm feeling always because I'm totally ill
I looked at her and smiled bitterly.
"Always remember that how cruel the world does, you are you, you are lucky because still you're breathing and you already felt how to love and be love. You have special person that always with you. The world is not too cruel as you think, just look at the side where the light is, not the side where it covered by darkness." I want to make her motivated, I want her to not surrender in living I want her to continue her life with love and happiness not with sorrow. "No matter how dark your life today always remembers that even the middle of the night there's always a light, so we always have a hope, all we have to do is to not give up. Even in the darkest room there's a gap that allow the light to enter. Never give up the life you have, it's okay to wait for your time, but it's not fine if you kill yourself. " I tried to boost her confidence.
Today, world revealed the truth about my situation, that I am not the only one who's suffering, I am not the only one who has having a hard time in life, and I am not the only one who tried to give up the life I have.
She looked at me with tears in her eyes that makes me shock, I never seen her cry, every time I'm around she us always emotionless, but today is really different, pain is really visible in her eyes.
With my right arm, I hugged her and rest her head to my chest.
"Hush, don't cry." I tried to stop her from crying. But instead, I hear her sobbing, instead of stopping her to cry, I let her cry the pain in my chest, I am caressing her hair. Only her sobs are the noise not until when she talked.
"I want to be with you every day Sarid."