Chapter 06 – Declaration to Burn
Near the edge of the residential district of the town, an old apartment building could be found built at the foot of a mountain. It had a plain exterior yet was carefully maintained so the quality had not degraded much even though it was mainly built with wood. The apartment consisted of two floors, each with four rooms with enough space for one to live comfortably.
One of the rooms on the upper floor was where Kitahara Sho rented when he came to this town. He had a reason to come here and not just reminisce as he said to Sakura or to explore the town as he said to Henkou.
Four years ago in spring, his little brother died in the house fire.
His parents who hurriedly came home after hearing the word about it were devastated. They decided to move to the city so that they would not be reminded about his death. He could understand that they were greatly affected but Sho hated it.
They disposed of everything that could remind them of him. They deleted all the pictures on their phone and even begged Sho to do the same. They avoided every topic where his name would come up. They pretended that he never existed.
But Sho could not do that. He could not delete the pictures, he could not pretend that his little brother, Haruki never existed. Treating a person like that was just as harsh as killing him. Sho hated his parents for that. But that hate could still not amount to the hate he felt for himself. He was despicable.
On the other hand, by forgetting his little brother, both his parents were able to return to their former selves, something that he could not do. All this time, after all, the incident of that spring has been with him. He blamed himself so much that he even dreamed many times about that incident, the flames, the moon, his little brother.
—Sho was reminded of everything again, however, it didn't matter much anymore. Everything would be settled soon after all.
He put on his jacket in preparation to head out. He also checked his pockets and confirmed that he had his lighter and cigarette box properly. He was about to meet up with Sakura in the usual clearing but first, he had to collect things to burn again.
He thought about the girl who accompanied him these past few nights. It was fun chatting with her and she didn't show much aversion to the things Sho did. He, himself knew that he was weird and that his friends would be creeped out if they saw him so absorbed with the flames and burning photo albums and other kinds of stuff.
But the first time they met, Sho could tell that Sakura seemed to be like him, sharing the same fascination with the fire. It made her interested in her. Although she went home in hurry soon after introducing herself, it didn't end there. He invited her to come again when they met under the cherry blossom the next day, although she was late, she did come.
Sho had never shown this side of himself to his friends and there was no one with whom he could fully confide his troubles. So, meeting Sakura might be the first time in four years that he opened this much to someone. He wasn't sure if he could call Sakura a friend at this point, and Sakura probably doesn't view him like that. Although it was faint, Sho could tell that there were few times when she was either terrified or creep out by him.
But she didn't avoid him even so.
To Sho, her existence brought a short relief in his ever-weighing burden. She was someone with whom he could share his past, whom he could share his troubles. Although Sakura was offering no real advice, just having someone listen was a great difference to him. It meant a lot to him. That was why, Sho was grateful to Sakura.
If there was something he started to look forward to, it would be chatting with her again. But he recalled last night. After telling his story about four years ago, Sho noticed that Sakura started acting strange.
[She seemed scared of something… Was it that my story was too heavy for her? Or I reminded her of something she doesn't want to remember? No, everyone has things they want to hide.]
If he could offer encouragement too, then he would try to do so. But if Sakura won't share her problem then he would not be able to do anything.
[In that case, I must apologize to her. And I…have to apologize for one more thing too.]
That's right, all that they did in the had been Sho's selfish desire. And before he would end everything, he wanted Sakura to indulge him in his selfishness for one last favor.
He covered the short distance inside his apartment, and he turned the knob of the door, opening it. Instantly, he was greeted with the cool air all around. It was still in the middle of spring, and it was nighttime after all. It would get even colder past midnight but he would be watching his campfire by then again.
He looked back inside the room, glancing at the two huge gallons placed on the floor before turning off the lights. He stepped outside and started closing the door. In the nearing gap between the door and the doorframe, Sho once again looked at the two gallons, which he could barely make out in the darkness.
The door closed. He locked it.
Sho started to walk, leaving his locked apartment, and the two containers filled with gasoline.
~ . ~ . ~ . . . ~ . ~ . ~
The time was 11 PM and Sakura sent Henkou a message saying that she was about to go. Several seconds later, her phone vibrated, and she saw his reply, "Okay. I'll be heading to the clearing soon." Seeing that, a smile emerged on her face, and she felt relieved knowing that there would be someone who would support her.
Just like yesterday, Sakura went out of her house and met up with Sho somewhere nearby. He was using his smartphone to pass time and put it away into his pocket when he saw her walking over.
"Hey. Good evening," Sho greeted.
"Good evening. Are we going to gather some trash tonight again?" she asked.
"No, I already did that on my own. We're heading straight to the clearing now."
"Oh, alright then."
Sakura quietly went after him.
Although the girl acted as if everything seemed normal, inside her, the guilt was still weighing. She had to make sure that Sho wouldn't notice that she was not as calm as she looked.
She would tell everything tonight and depending on the result, their short-lived relationship would end. That's why she would not say it immediately. After their usual chat around the usual campfire, Sakura would then confess her sin.
Yesterday was just about the house fire that she caused but now it is also about the life that she took away.
She didn't know what Sho would think of her by then, nor what kind of thoughts were inside his mind right now. He was a very weird person, and it was hard to get a read on him. What she could say for certain was that this man was someone similar to being a pyromaniac. But more importantly, she felt that he had a dangerous air to him.
Nevertheless, Sakura still made contact with him and joined him every night to burn stuff. Why was that so? The answer was simple, and Sakura knew it fully well. It was because of the fire. That night four years ago, and the small campfire surrounded by darkness in that clearing had been once of the most beautiful scenes she had ever seen.
She also held curiosity to the boy who was making the fire, but the fire itself, had always fascinated her.
When they passed the residential district, Sakura's phone vibrated again. She took it out from her pocket unnoticed by Sho who was walking ahead. What she saw there was a message from Henkou telling her that he would be coming a bit late. This made her a little uneasy but she replied with "It's fine "anyway. She also added," but please come as soon as possible."
The reply came in the next moment. "Yeah. Just wait for me. I'll send you another message when I arrive there."
Sakura sighed in relief. As for now, she just had to wait.
They passed the residential district and were currently on the stairway upward the hill now. Soon, they arrived at the clearing, which would be more accurate to say, at the front yard of the house where Sho once lived.
Near the spot where they made their campfire, Sakura could see two bin bags placed on the ground. Sho approached and told Sakura that she didn't need to help as he could do it on his own when the girl helped. She ended up sitting on the same log last time and watched him work.
Sho lifted a bag using both of his hands and turned it over, causing the things inside to pour down. He rocked it twice so that if there were anything inside that were had not yet fallen would drop down too. He basically did the same process with the other bin bag, and it resulted in the mound of trash made of plastics and other pieces of stuff forming.
He also placed the two empty bags now on the top of the mound before he brought out his lighter from the pocket of his jacket and started the fire.
It burned small, slowly. Sho tended to it, seeing that it won't go out because of the occasional wind that swept the foliage of the trees in their surroundings. He added plastic wrappers to the small flame and when it started consuming it, he added one more. Before the long, the fire had already spread considerably in the mound of trash that the wind would not be able to extinguish any longer.
He soon came over to where she was.
"It was a bit of a long wait for the heap to completely burn out even after you left and I don't like leaving it as it is or putting the fire before it burned itself out, so I decided that it might be better to burn only two bin bags," Sho said as he sat on the rock nearby. "If it's just two bin bags then I could carry them by myself too."
"So, that's why you did it by yourself this time?" she asked as she looked at him.
"Yeah," he answered as he smiled a little. "And I almost got caught doing this, you know. There was a man who saw me while carrying the bin bags. He looked at me without saying anything so I said that I was just bringing my trash outside where the collectors would pick it up."
"I'm surprised the man actually bought that."
"I'm surprised too. I thought that he would see through me for sure. Apparently, he didn't seem to care much if I were telling the truth or not."
"Well, it's good that you didn't get into trouble."
"Yeah." Sho stood from her seat and went to turn over the heap of trash. He was currently holding the long wooden rod. "Come to think of it, burning things and watching them with you has kinda become a routine now, huh?
"Now that you mention it yes. Even for me, going out four nights in a row is a first."
"Right. Thank you for accompanying me, Kawada-san."
"I didn't say that to be thanked though. It's been a good experience too. Although what we're doing is far from camping, it feels, or I feel the camping vibe whenever we sit around the fire and chat like this. At least, that's how I think. What about you?"
"I get what you mean."
"Right?" Sakura smiled.
In turn, he also made a smile and turned around to face the weakening fire. He turned over the heap of trash and the flames got stronger again as it was exposed to more fuel. When he was done, he returned to sit on the rock again.
The two watched the flames in silence.
They would talk to each other when either one of them could come up with a topic but if not, they would both be silent like now. This wasn't awkward, however, as both of them were not forcing anything. Sakura at the very least didn't think of any topic to prolong the conversation. And neither of them seemed to care much about the silence. If she was curious about something then she would ask about it, the boy would answer. Like her, Sho was behaving the same way.
Within these past few nights that they were together in this clearing, most of their time was spent just silently watching the campfire.
Sakura brought out her phone to check if there was a new message, despite not feeling any vibration in her pocket. There was none.
[He sure is late…] she thought. Henkou's tardiness was something that she did not think to happen. She expected that by now, he should be hiding somewhere in the trees like he proclaimed he would.
Sakura looked around, to the path they used to come here and to the trees and their foliage in the surrounding. As expected, she could not make out the details from the darkness. Henkou would be able to hide well, but at the same time, Sakura could not tell if he was actually there.
Fortunately, she planned to tell everything when the fire starts to die, Henkou would have arrived here by then. She put her faith in him and waited.
"Um…" Sho spoke, shifting Sakura's attention from the fire to him. "This will be the last time I will burn things here like this."
The girl had expected this kind of topic to come out. Henkou had already told her that Sho would be leaving soon. "Are you going home tomorrow?"
"Not…exactly," he shook his head.
"Then why—" she cut her words short after seeing the boy's gloomy expression. She changed her wording. "Can I ask why?"
"…Regarding that, Kawada-san," Sho looked at her in the eyes. "I want to ask a favor."
The air tensed, it turned frigid, it was as if everything had become unbendable.
His gaze peered inside her own. Those green irises peaking between his long bangs were directed to her with much zeal. She could tell that he was serious and that what he was about to say was something. Something, that she didn't want to hear.
Sakura was filled with a sense of foreboding.
"Is that okay?" he asked once more.
"Ah…mhm," she replied uncomfortably.
"In that case, I will continue. I want you to witness my end."
[…His end?]
]
As Sakura was trying to comprehend what he meant by it, the boy simply dropped unthinkable words.
"I plan to burn myself tomorrow night."
"…!"
She heard the words, she got the meaning, yet despite it clear enough in her head, she refused to accept that situation. It made no sense. It was incomprehensible. She asked, nervously. "…Can…you repeat that?"
Her question made Sho stay silent for a bit before speaking again. "Okay, I'll repeat it then… I plan to burn myself tomorrow."
His tone was light. It was comparable to Sakura making a statement that she would go to the cherry blossoms tomorrow again. It was done casually. However, his words were heavy. Now that she heard it for the second time, she could no longer deny it.
Kitahara Sho had declared that he would burn himself.
He stated it twice, and Sakura could see more than clear that he was not joking about it.
"…Why?" she whispered. Why was this happening?
[Why?] she thought. Why hadn't she received any message from him yet?
She had to confess her sins now.
She turned her head to the path, there was no one there. To the trees, to the bushes, and to the foliage in the darkness. She opened her eyes wide, desperately looking for signs of the boy who told her that he would come with her.
There was none.
"Kawada-san?" Sho said.
"…Why?"
Her voice was loud enough for the boy to hear. He seemed taken aback somehow as he looked at her face. Then he averted his gaze and turned to the fire.
Sakura's chest had tightened, preventing her from breathing normally. Her grief and desperation were probably showing in her face right now.
"Why, you ask… That night four years ago, our house burned down and my brother died. I just wish to atone for it, even if it's just a little."
Sho smiled as he stared blankly at the fire. No, beyond the fire, and even beyond the darkness covering the night. He was looking forward, yet he seemed to only see what's behind him.
Sakura could no longer calm down. The boy was already talking about his past, and his reason why he would do it.
"I was the older brother. I was supposed to get myself together and properly act like one. But what did I do?"
A disgusting sensation made its existence known to the girl. The sensation wrapped her body. It was cold, tingly, and wet. Like a snake had just crawled up to her.
"I fought with him like a little child. I could not act like a brother. I should've spoiled him that night. I should have just given him what he wanted… But I did not."
She felt that as seconds pass by, the situation was getting worse. She was losing control over her body. In her mind, she shouted the name of the person she relied on.
[Henkou-san…! Where are you Henkou-san! Please….]
"Instead, I left him all alone. I would have been better if I just stayed there as well and burned together with him."
[Please. Please. Come already!]
She kept shouting his name while still listening to the words of Sho that signified how big her sin was. Her hope was getting dimmer, and her stomach churned, she felt like vomiting.
"You know, my parents had already forgotten about him. They forgot about him so that they could move on. Terrible right? I guess the only one who truly remembers him now is me. But I am more terrible. I hate myself."
Sho was going to kill himself. All because of the fire that Sakura caused.
Her heart palpitated quickly and strongly that she could hear it beat. Something was surging in her chest, her breathing was unstable. She felt her eyes liquid welling in the corner of her eyes.
"I want to burn myself."
Sho's words started echoing inside her mind.
l
"N-no…no…" her whispers were muffled. She could not even pronounce them properly.
"I have no friend who I could call a close one. They'll forget about me as one of their old classmates eventually. So my favor is, by that time, please forget about me as well, Kawada-san."
The fire swayed. Sho's hair was swept up.
"I want to be forgotten like how they did to my little brother. He died in the fire, so I will burn myself too."
Sakura saw his eyes clearly for the first time.
There was no hope in them.
"Please…stop."
"I should also be forgotten. Really, I should have not spent four years wallowing in guilt. I should have just planned to this earlier." Sho looked at her with his eyes filled with insanity and despair. "After all, everything was my fault. I deserve to die. I should—"
"Stop."
Sakura stood, her voice was weak and trembling, she felt cold, and her fists were clenched.
"Please…just stop…!" Her vision was watery, tears started trickling down her cheeks, and her face contorted in grief. "It's not your fault. I was the one at fault."
Sho looked at her in shock. "…What do you mean?"
"I…" Sakura inhaled and tried her best to speak louder. "I…was the one who burned your house."
"…No…it couldn't be," Sho said in disbelief.
"I threw a lit cigarette in the bin bag near the storage shed. "Sakura her chest tight. "It was the cause of the fire! But I didn't mean it! Please believe me. I didn't think it would result in that way. I'm sorry. I'm sorry!"
She pled for forgiveness, but she was shaken when he looked at him again.
The boy could only stare at her blankly, it was as if he had lost his reason. It was as if he could not take the truth. The despair inside his eyes reflected nothing.
"It was my fault!"
Sakura shouted in desperation.
"After burning your house and killing you little brother, I only hid in our house! I never went out for days. I didn't know that I killed a person! I didn't mean it but it doesn't change anything. The life I've taken won't come back! Yet all this time, these four years, I lived unknowingly that I've killed! I was scared that someone would find out what I did but only about the house. That was only the amount of my guilt. I was even worse than your parents! They forgot about him, but I didn't even know that I killed him. Horrible right? Even now I still don't know his name! I'm the worst kind of person ever existed!"
All in one breath, Sakura admitted her wrongdoings. She knew how big her sin was. She had spent his four years happily after she had moved on from the house she had burned. She had made friends and thought of her future like a normal student would. But Sho could not do that, he had shouldered the guilt all these years for failing to save his little brother. He did not have any close friends, and he didn't have any hope for his future.
Sakura took away the life of the little brother, his future. Now he was about to do the same to the Sho as well. She was the kind of person who should never be forgiven.
She could not breathe, she gasped for air.
But as she raised her head, her heart was torn apart, seeing the boy's expression.
Right in this very moment, this very second, Sho looked like he had seen the greatest despair his life as he stared wide eye at Sakura.
That's why…she said:
"That's why…If anyone had to be burned alive… It should be me."
The clearing went silent after.
The foliage didn't move, there was no wind.
The insects didn't make a sound.
The fire burned silently…
Until it crackled.
"…I…"
Sho spoke.
His eyes were still dull. Sakura could tell as she was looking right at them. His voice also, had no energy in it. Sho stood up silently.
"Then…Sakura-san. I will burn you."
Sakura's breath was taken for a second, but she had meant to accept it.
"Yes."
"Tomorrow night then."
Seconds after, Sho hurriedly walked away from the clearing leaving her without looking behind. He disappeared into the darkness of the path.
The fire was still burning steadily.
In her mind, Sakura was hoping that someone would come. That someone would hand chop her head for saying that she will offer her life for atonement.
Sakura waited in her seat as she hugged her knees. She waited patiently and hopefully.
She waited until the fire had gone out.
That night, however, Henkou never came.