What are the moments that makes you remember someone you have lost? In the dead of the night when you lay awake filled with euphoria or when you are in misery? When you are busy with your work or when you are listlessly looking in the blue sky? When you fold the old clothes of the person, tidying them and findings things or two that you have never seen when they were alive. Their lost belongings strewn over in your home like it is as natural as breathing. Do you feel lonely looking at it? In the early morning when you wake up for your daily dose of coffee or when you go to bath in the night do you feel the emptiness screaming at you? Hurting your ears and paining your soul. Have you changed the softener that you used to smell on that person when you happily washed clothes together? How many times you have tried to stop yourself from thinking about them? How many times you have unconsciously called on their phones only to remember that nobody will pick it or call back? That sense of loss. That sense of love when you listen to their favourite song, humming in the pitter patter of the rain, that feeling can never amount to when they were alive. The fleeting small emotions that you could never feel without their absence surprises you into how much you actually loved that person. Have you ever felt resentment towards them randomly? Thinking about their past transgressions made you feel angry and lonely, while you lie down on the side of their bed basking in their fading smell. Your eyes glassy with tears determined to fall down on the wrinkled bedsheet.
How many days did you do it? How many months you have endured it? The feeling of loss always lingers within you but the pain numbs with time. Elijah's favourite author once said that pain was inevitable but suffering was optional. Was it really true? Contrary to the saying he always thought that the with pain, suffering feels sweet. There is no pain without suffering. Suffering is the beginning of the end of pain. Suffer..suffer..and suffer till the pain numbs and the memories fade because dead truly die when the person they love forgets .
What did Elijah loved you say? A family member? A lover or a paramour?
Elijah loved someone he could never obtain. He loved someone who no one covets. Lonely that they were Elijah loving them only made them suffer more. Just like me Elijah was cursed to love someone who would never love them back and watch them suffer due to the pain we have inflicted on them.
'The feeling of loss always lingers within you. Winning and losing are the sides of the same coin. One urges you to work hard and the other discourages, the choice however is always yours. Whether you are discouraged by winning or by losing on would always have to work in order to feel both' Elijah's uncle used to say this. A pastor in his early thirties with blonde hair and emerald eyes, completely taken over by religion and delusions. His eyes always looked intoxicated even though there was not a single drop of alcohol running in the blood of his veins. His words were disillusioned and self-afflicting, a frantic fanatic and peaceful sinner who starved till his skin was stuck to his ribs for his redemption. People used to call him 'The Mad Priest' for he believed this whole city was limbo and they are the monsters that roamed in it. Every day he used to read the bible, pray on his knees till his legs gave out and sing till his voice becomes sore and croaky. Such devotion only came from fear he felt living in his run-down church.
'The Mad Priest' loved his nephew to pieces. Lied by his sister that the baby was born from a virgin womb, at once the holy priest started showering all his love to the child of god. His sister used his fanaticism and his nephew used his love. 'Be perfect Elijah…because you are the child blessed by the heavens.' 'You are purer than a maiden's heart and more naïve than a little lamb, because god wants you to be his representative on this wretched earth.'
Elijah from a young age knew that he needs to be perfect. God was prefect kind and endearing. So, he fulfilled his uncle's wishes from a young age. He knew the many cold nights when his uncle used to pray on the alter until a fever broke out, his fasting and punishments. The way he looked at the pagans with disdain and called this place hell. Elijah watched and watched only to fall in love with his uncle more and more.
The emerald eyes used to radiate happiness looking at Elijah whenever they used to sing the carols on his birthday. They were poor but Elijah was never hungry, his uncle would starve for days with a bright smile on his face so that Elijah's tummy was properly filled. The hollow papery face of his uncle, his pure smile and firm countenance charmed Elijah, wallowed him the taboo love he felt for him. He loved his uncle's devotion only made him obsessed with him. Contrary to the people's belief that he was a mad priest, Elijah was the only one who thought it as endearing because the God his uncle loved so much had always been him. The love his uncle gave him was boundless and perfect in its own twisted way.
'Uncle I love you.' One day Elijah said to his uncle who was praying in their family church. He was seventeen that year and the budding feeling he had for his uncle now had blossomed in to a beautiful flower. Unable to resist the urge to confess his feeling he told him the truth during their evening prayers.
'Yes, love you too Elijah. You are the child of the God that I love so much.' His uncle said while continuing to close his eyes to pray with his rosary. He was a delicate beauty with long lashes and soft blonde hair. His thin appearance was fragile but when looking through the lights of the flickering candle he looked heavenly.
Elijah who was disappointed by the dispassionate answer. He explained him once again.
'Not a love like uncle and nephew or god or a devotee. A love between lover's uncle. I love you in that way.' Elijah smiled innocently as he spoke this wretched feeling.
'What are you saying? You are the child of god; how could you speak such abomination.' His uncle's face contorted which gave Elijah shudders.
'Uncle please I really love you!' He said while trying to grasp the bony hands of his uncle.
'Don't touch me you sodomite! You are the child of God! You are bound to walk on the road of salvation. When did Satan influenced you!' His uncle started screaming as he walked towards the room where he usually punished himself.
'Uncle I love you please believe me! There is no one like you!' Elijah shouted as he followed his uncle to the room.
'Satan has possessed you! Satan has possessed you! You are no child of god if you could not resist the temptation..cough..cough…cough.'
'Uncle please I love you !!' Elijah ran towards his uncle to steady him .
'I said DON'T TOUCH ME! Sit down on the ground. You need to be punished!! Satan has possessed the child of god.'
'Uncle what are you saying!' a surprised Elijah asked. At once his whole body froze when he saw the whip in the hands of his uncle, ready to hit him. His sweet uncle. His delicate naïve uncle was going to hit him even though what he said was with complete sincerity? He was his precious nephew yet he did not believe him!!
Elijah kneeled on the rough cobblestoned floor. The dreams he saw about living with his uncle. His sincerity, all faded into an unspoken abyss. As the whip hit his flesh, enveloping him with pain, he came to a realization that he should have understood long ago – His uncle did not love him. He loved the child of God.
Maybe his ego prevented him from thinking about it. Or maybe he loved the idea of being God so that he would be loved and devoted by his uncle. Ego, narcissism and self-entitlement was a deadly combination in Elijah's life. As his flesh was shredded so was his heart. Blood spattered on the ground mixed with tears.
**
'Uncle can I talk to you?' Elijah said to his uncle who was working in the kitchen, several days later. His face looked lifeless with hollow brown eyes. His uncle after that day thinking that the evil has been exorcised behave in his usual way. Looking at Elijah in the same warm way. His innocent smile and happy carols. Unlike Elijah who had a great trauma afterwards but his uncle looked as if nothing ever occurred.
'What is it my little Messiah?' Uncle said while looking at him. He had stopped cooking and took off the apron, ready to hear anything Elijah had to say.
'Little Messiah? Dear uncle you seemed to be quite disillusioned. This is the time when my mother was pregnant with me and this man with her is my father. I am no child of virgin! That woman was the greatest slut of Eirlys. She could not take responsibility of the child that is why she tricked you!' Elijah said. He wanted to wake his uncle up. Break his fragile self and make him see the reality. Although it was photoshopped but everything spoken by Elijah was true, his mother was like a prostitute who left home because of the strict rules of her family . His ego was hurt after the confession and he wanted to revenge on his uncle. Make him feel betrayed and hurt like he felt that day.
'Is that so? 'His uncle whispered listlessly.
There was uneasiness in the air that Elijah on that day could not guess . There was no sense of winning in telling his uncle the truth however he felt that it was necessary . He thought that he had won but instead lost all .
Next day his uncle was found dead by hanging