Esmerelda guided me towards the dining table, and Lily pulled a chair back for me to sit on. I nodded my head in thanks. They both smiled and head off into the kitchen to bring the meal. I sat quietly and patiently at the dark, wooden table, thinking about what I should do. I fumbled around with my thumbs for a solid minute before I made up my mind.
"Lily be careful with that dish, will you?" Esmeralda cautioned her daughter.
Lily replied respectfully, "I will, ma'am. Please, do not worry." The meaty and savory smell became stronger and more vivid as they both made their way to the dining table. Lily brought out some coasters to place the steaming hot bowls and plates on. The dining table itself was a decent but small size that could barely fit all of the dishes. The chairs around the table were very intimate, elbows could be touched.
The ladies finished setting up the table and began to sit down themselves. We all held hands and thanked God or whoever for the food. Then, I picked up my utensils and started to sip on the meaty stew. Stew wasn't something that people expect when they visit a lavishly decorated house, but the richness, taste, and texture were all superb. Nobody would complain unless they just really hated stew. I praised the stew, "Thank you for inviting me over and for the delicious meal."
"Not a problem, dear," Esmerelda replied.
"Yeah, we ought to have more people over some time. It's always just the two of us," Lily chimed in.
Esmerelda reprimanded her, "Lily, where are your manners?"
Lily apologized, "Sorry, ma'am."
Esmerelda continued, "I've always told her to make some friends and bring them over, but she never listens; I'm not even sure if she even has any friends."
Lily looked down in shame and responded to her mother, "I'm sorry, ma'am. I'll try harder." I could tell exactly what Lily was thinking. It wasn't easy making genuine friends when she was protecting an uncomfortable secret from everyone.
Esmerelda sighed as she responded to her daughter, "You can't force yourself t make friends, dear; it should come naturally." She ladled her stew and raised it to her lips. She consumed it with small, moderate sips.
I placed my spoon on one side of the bowl and reached across the table for a roll. Quickly, I retrieved my hand and started to rip it in half; I, then, reached for the butter and knife. I sliced some portion of the butter and began to spread it across the surface of the roll. I took a bite out of it; the french roll provided a perfect vessel for the garlic and herb butter. Following all of those actions, I wrapped my hands around each other and cleared my throat before saying, "Esmerelda, we need to talk about something."
She looked up at me with confusion. "What could that be?"
I glanced at Lily before I looked back at her and said, "We need to talk about your addiction."
Esmerelda's pupils narrowed and her perfectly maintained eyebrows furrowed. Her voice dripped with anger. "Lily, go to your room."
Lily looked at me before she slowly started to get up out of her seat. I disagreed, "Lily, sit back down. You also need to hear this."
She hesitantly looked at her mother and at me and guided herself back to a sitting position. Esmerelda screamed, "LILY! GO BACK TO YOUR DAMN ROOM, NOW!!!!!" Her daughter's expression twisted into a fearful frown before she turned her head to look at me. Her expression showed defiance. Esmerelda continued to scream, "WHY WON"T YOU LISTEN TO YOUR OWN MOTHER!!!! WHY LISTEN TO A STRANGER??!!!" Lily's eyes were full of tears, but she continued to stare at her mother. She continued to not budge and stayed seated. "MOVE! I TOLD YOU TO GET THE FUCK OUT!!!" Esmerelda grabbed Lily's arm and began to drag her out of the room.
I couldn't take this anymore. "ENOUGH!!!" I banged my fist against the table, and the table cracked right through the center. All of the dishes caved in with the table and ruined the unstained carpet below. Esmerelda let go of Lily's arm in panic. I cleared my throat and in a softer voice I said, "Why should she listen to you?"
Esmerelda yelled, "I gave birth to her! She's my daughter! She SHOULD ALWAYS LISTEN TO ME!!" Her vocal cords cracked at the end. She grabbed her throat and began to gently massage it.
My blood boiled. "YOU are nothing but a bitch who can't muster enough courage to go and get your problems resolved. Instead, you push the blame onto your daughter. Every. Single. Day," I got up from my seat, "Do you know how that feels? Do you know how it feels to have burdens that aren't your own, but you must carry them in the fear that others may or may not find out? Do you know how it feels to be alone when everyone around you is playing around or sharing their secrets with their friends? Do you know how it feels to suffer because of the person you love? Even if it's not your fault?" I walked over to her. "NO! You don't," my voice lowered to a whisper, "Because all YOU do is shoot yourself with drugs to drown yourself in pitiful ecstasy." I grab her arm and turn it around to reveal the thousands of small but abundant needle marks. "You don't deserve to be a mother if you can't even stand to hear the sorrowful cries of your own child. You're better off dead. At least then, your child doesn't have to keep your pathetic secret." Esmerelda's eyes bulged in vexation, but then she looked at Lily. Her eyes grew tired and closed. Her body tumbled to the soft carpet.
***
"Is my mother going to be okay?" Lily asked me. I had lifted her to her bed and started to treat her a while back. Esmerelda still had not opened her eyes, but tiny tears trickled out of her eyelids.
I looked back at where Lily was sitting and said, "She'll be fine." Lily graciously smiled and continued to read her little novel. I sat down next to where Esmerelda was laying. I checked my watch; in about two minutes, she should be up. I checked out the room. Dull, maroon curtains were draped over the window. I walked towards them and parted them to let the natural sun brighten the room. Lavender carpets matched the scent of lavender coming from various openings. I dug through her trove of dresses and found hundreds of minuscule bottles. The drugs. I hoisted them up to the bed and placed my hand on them. "Did you know about this?" I looked towards Lily. She shook her head in shame. "You don't need to be ashamed. It's hard enough to live with an addict, much less stop them from using." She nodded her head and gazed at her mother.
"Flin! She's awake!" Lily pointed out. I turned my head to meet Esmerelda's bloodshot eyes. I gave her some water out of a cup, and she washed her face. Her eyes returned to normal, but her face was still pale. I poured her some more water and gestured her to drink it. She did, clearing her throat after.
She slowly parted her lips and asked, "Can I change?"
"If you go to rehab for a year or so, then maybe. But, it depends on you." I answered with the whole truth. Sugar-coating things wasn't going to work.
She nodded her head in understatement. "What about Lily?"
I turned around, again, to look at my granddaughter. "You could trust her to live by herself, or put her in an all-girls hostel, or put her under my care. Of course, putting her under my care doesn't mean that she'll see me often. It just means that I will provide everything she needs on your behalf."
Esmerelda nodded her head again, but asked me a question with a stern glare, "But, why?"
I looked up at the ceiling. What should I tell her? Should I tell her that I was her father-in-law, the one that avoided them for sixteen years? "There are some things about me that you will understand later. When the time is right"
She didn't seem convinced, but she trusted me. "I wish to put Lily under your care until I am back." I was surprised but held my composure. "I trust you, for some reason. And...," she continued with tears, "I want to change." Lily rushed over to her mother and hugged her love. They both cried and shared their feelings in unison. They both wanted to understand each other. They wanted to stay strong for each other.
I sat at the edge of the soft, cushioned, pink mattress, staring at the sight that I had wished to see for the last sixteen years. I wish I could join them, hug them to my heart's content, and tell the truth. For the first time, tell the truth. The truth about how I'm her father-in-law. How I'm Lily's grandfather. How I was her husband's father. But then, I remember. I remember something that I regret doing. Something that ate me up from the inside every time I lay in my bed trying to sleep. How because of me, their family was not complete, was not whole. If I was ever, to tell the truth, I would have to tell them that I murdered a husband, a father. My son.