February 14, 2120
Dear Diary,
I don't write much on Valentine's Day because nothing really happens. Jax stopped giving me cards, though he usually tells me "Happy Valentines Day."
But today he gave me a box of chocolates and hugged me. I felt bad because I didn't get him anything.
When he hugged me I think my heart melted, just like the chocolate did later on the way home. Yeah.
Also, Tasha introduced me to his brother! His name was Aaki Lucy D. Smith! I can't believe was jealous when i first heard his name back then! Who would've thought he was a guy!
March 6, 2120
Dear Diary,
Jax wasn't at school today. Or yesterday. Or Monday. I thought he was sick so after school today I went to his house.
He wasn't there.
His parents were there, but they refused to answer my questions and I eventually left. The only place I could think him to be is the hideout, so that's where I went.
He was there.
Along with a bunch of suitcases.
I ran up to him and hugged him, telling him how much I missed him, and asking him what happened.
He seemed uncomfortable and that he didn't want to talk so we just sat in silence for a while until he broke it with 6 little words.
"I dropped out of high school."
I was astonished. I asked him why, and he said that he thought it was a waste of time. He had a job as a cashier, and now he could work more hours. His parents let him, but then they turned and kicked him out of the house. He was about to buy an apartment, albeit a lousy one.
I asked him if he had been sleeping in the hideout. He shook his head and said he spent the night at Dash's, but hung out there during the day.
The most surprising part of me was the fact that Dash knew about this for at least three days and didn't tell me
So now I won't be able to see Jax at school, but I will be able to afterwards.
I guess that's okay.
March 8, 2120
Dear Diary,
It sucks without Jax at school. It completely and utterly sucks. I mean, I have Dash, but I kinda become the third wheel when he's with his friend. At lunch they talk about some TV show that I don't watch and I just end up sitting there and not saying a word. Sometimes his friend will try to include me in the conversation, but usually he ignores me.
I don't think she does it on purpose, I just think he really likes Dash as a friend since he's a cool guy and a clean freak, and I understand. I felt, and still feel, the same way about Jax
I haven't seen him since Wednesday. He's been so busy buying an apartment and moving all of his stuff; half the time he doesn't even answer my texts.
My thoughts have been really dark lately.
Two days without Jax and I'm already falling apart
March 14, 2120
Dear Diary,
I can hardly wrote through the blur of tears in my eyes.
Instead of eating lunch with dash and his friend ken today, I went and sat alone a few tables away and ate silently, staring at the back of their heads as my heart ripped itself to shreds.
And just my dumb luck, Mika saw me and decided to kick me while I was down. She's still an outcast, but that doesn't mean she can't harass me.
"Oh no!" she had yelled in the most obviously fake voice ever, tripping over a non-existent hole and causing her entire lunch tray to fall all over me. Mashed potatoes glomped into my hair, ketchup hit my cheek, chicken tenders sprayed crumbs all over my new pants, and iced tea drenched my shirt.
The whole cafeteria turned to look, all their eyes on the poor pink-haired girl covered in food.
I was too sad to even do anything back. I just stood and ran off to the bathroom, fighting back tears as Mika's laugh followed me all the way into the bathroom stall, where I stayed sobbing.
I hate life right now.
Saturday
March 16, 2120
Dear Diary,
I went over to jax's new apartment today. He invited only me, and said that Dash were going to visit tomorrow.
He asked me how school was without him.
"Boring," I had answered.
He had laughed, and replied, "I'm not surprised. It be a dull time without the amazing Captain Jax around ter brighten your day."
April 4, 2120
Dear Diary,
I hate everything. I hate society. I hate school. I. Hate. Life.
I know it's me. I'm causing this for myself. I can get in on Ken and Dash's conversations, but I choose not to. I can have a positive attitude and feel happy for my friend, but instead I feel angry and hurt.
Why am I hurting myself? Why am I sabotaging every bit of happiness for myself?
My demons are getting stronger. The proverbial devil on my shoulder has nearly completely silenced the angel, and is whispering more and more bad thoughts into my ear. I'm trying to stop. I'm trying to protect myself, from myself. I have to find a way.
But I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim.
My mind is coming up with elaborate schemes for suicide.
The outsiders way. Rob a store, clonk some heads, get run down by the police and go out with a bang. Literally.
The most attention-whorish way. Climb the highest building in the area and wait until the paramedics get the air matress, then run to the other side and jump so they won't catch me.
The most entertaining way. Lock my door and play a little game of Russian Roulette. See how many times I can survive.
The simplest way. Just hang myself.
I've practiced tying nooses. I can tie one in less than 30 seconds now. I would be able to die before my mom would be able to unlock, or bust down, the door.
I guess a quick and intelligent mind can be a curse as well as a blessing.
April 14, 2120
Dear Diary,
Last night I had a dream about jumpng off of a building.
The feeling of jumping and falling through the air was amazing. I felt as if I was flying, a bird, a free bird.
Unlike most falling dreams, I actually hit the ground.
Pain covered my entire body. My legs erupted in pain. My arms burned with the intensity of the pain. I felt as if someone had driven a nail into my skull.
I woke covered in cold sweat and tears, screaming myself hoarse. My mom came in and hugged me. She got me a glass of water and sat with me, rubbing my back until I calmed down.
She eventually turned out the light and left, but I didn't sleep at all for the rest of the night.
I will get over this. I am going to beat this depression. I haven't cut myself, and I promise to myself that I won't. Tomorrow I'm going to talk to Jax, because I've known him for years and I know I can talk to him about this.
School starts up again tomorrow. I don't know how I'm going to act around everyone.
Someday, when I can't take it anymore, I guess I'll go go Madav for peace?
April 15, 2120
Dear Diary,
I let Jax read my journal. Not the part where I said I had a crush on him, but my last two entires with my dark thoughts. When he finished, he closed the journal and sat still, facing away from me, for a long time.
When he snapped out of it and looked up at me, I saw he had been crying. He said my name quietly, his voice broken.
Just seeing him like that made me upset, and I started to cry as well.
He took me in his arms and we cried together in his apartment. Once I had calmed down, he went into the kitchen and brought back jugs of ice cream, packets of oreo cookies, and tissues. I ate and wiped my tears on multiple tissues while he sat and watched me. I asked him multiple times if he wanted to eat some too, but he shook his head each time and told me that it was all for me.
When I was full, he asked quietly when this all started. I told him when he left school, and slowly the entire story came out. How I stopped talking to Dash snd his friend, how I hadn't told him the whole truth when he had asked if I was okay, and how I knew I was destroying myself.
He listened, his eyes fixated on mine, nodding occasionally to show he was paying close attention.
When I finished, I fell silent, staring at the carpet. Jax took the opportunity to say something, and I don't think I'll ever forget what he said.
I don't remember it exactly, but it went something like this:
"Luna, Shinning Moonlight Luna, You are one of the most unique and special girls I have met in my life. I've known you since elementary, and I wouldn't change one day of our friendship. We've been through so much together, and I know that I would do anything for you. You're the best bunny buddy a pirate captain could have. You have beautiful hair, you're the sweetest thing ever, and you are special.
"You are you. And you are perfect."
I started crying again, but it was from hapiness this time. I threw my arms around him and he hugged back, and we sat like that for a good five minutes.
When I finally calmed down, I told him thank you at least ten times, and eventually went home. What he said to me kept replaying over and over again in my head. You are you. And you are perfect. But I still felt that he said it as more of a big brother thing rather than having a crush on me.
As I write this, I feel better than I have in weeks. I think I'm almost over this. And it only took a small speech from Jax
I'm not completely okay yet, but I know I'm almost there. I think Jax gave me just what I needed. A boost. A kick in the right direction. He took the form of the proverbial angel on my shoulder and smacked the proverbial devil to near unconciousness. And it just makes me love him even more.
I think, had I waited any longer, it would have been too late.
Dear Diary,
I really can't believe I only have a few months left of my Sophmore had to be one of my worst years, honestly, due to those couple months I was depressed, Jax dropping out, and so on and so forth.
I don't know how often I'll be able to write my Junior year. Jax said he dropped out because it started to get pretty tough; essays and projects galore. I mean, he wasn't even in advanced placement, and I am, so there's a chance it might even be harder for me.
Two more years, and I can go to college. I really want to be an attorney. But, since my mom and I still don't have that much money and my job at the local corner store doesn't pay much, it might be a few years after my senior year that I'll finally be able to go to college.
Right now, I just want to enjoy these last couple years with Dash, and then hang out afterwards at the hideout.
May 3, 2120
Dear Diary,
We took the state tests a few weeks ago. I feel like I did pretty well.
Well, actually, they were so easy.
I didn't want to brag, but I finihished first in the class and I'm fairy certain I made an A or high B. I just don't like to think of myself as smart. I don't tell people I am either, and I'm pretty quiet, so people assume I'm not very smart.
We'll see who's smart when they do something that ends them in court, and I'm the prosecuter.
Me, Dash and Jax made a promise. Dash said that wherever we go, there will always be our burning passion that will always lead us back to each other. I laughed because it was so cringez but I knew what he meant. Right now, Dash's parents are moving away since they told them they need to stand their own ground now. I guess that's what pushed him to saying those words.
Sunday
May 12, 2120
Dear Diary,
Today was Mother's Day. I made my mother a plate of pancakes, eggs, and bacon and left them on her bedside table. Breakfast in bed is a little cliche, but she appreciated it all the same.
My dad came back... Like wow. Mom told me that Dad had been working in Madav, there was a business emergency that they had to attend to. But when Dad arrived at the location, they were taken in as hostages. A lot of things happened to my dad. He was taken in a prison city but thankfully he had good friends that lended mom money when dad was gone. My dad adopted a man named Vlad. He told me we will be siblings from now on.
I don't know what to feel, a lot of shit have been thrown to me in a single day. Should I be happy? Or sad?
June 1, 2120
Dear Diary,
Well, school's officially out. Two more years and I can wave goodbye to high school.
I found my old PS today. It was dead because I hadn't charged it in, I think, years. I charged it back up and played that game that I loved when I was little. I realize I never put the title in here for some reason, but I can tell you now that it's Species Crossing.
My town was all run down and gloomy, full of weeds. I couldn't help but think of Jax, he was sent back to his county, Nebeza, where he continued his education. Him and his parents fixed their problems so he's now pursuing his dreams back in his place. It was such a bittersweet moment... Because I don't think I'll be seeing Jax again...
I also talked to Dash... He kept me company when Dad came home and introduced me to my new brother. Vlad was older by the way. Anyway, Dash helped me grow closer to my dad and brother. I got to know many things about him too! I sometimes tease him of being in a relationship with me and his reaction is so funny every single time!
We became more close to each other as the day goes by and now... It just feels gloomy and shit now that Jax is gone. The three of us never really got to enjoy our days together because we always end up in trouble.
Goddamn, it's 1:30 and I'm crying. I need to rest.
August 25, 2121
Dear Diary,
First day of my senior year. I'm so excited. One more year, and I'm off. I really, really hope I can get into a collge and become an attorney.
I had to drop my first job because Dad told me not to work anymore. We now have a new house that's beeing built as I write this. I moved away from Dash but I can visit him anytime since I have money. Also, I found out that Vlad is a pretty badass brother. I saw him beating the headlights out of the boy who was trying to harass me earlier and damn.... He's such a cool brother. He's also teaching me some dad jokes... Like why?
Well, I'm starting to run out of paper. It's been almost ten years since I've gotten this journal, and I'm just now reaching the end.
Soon Dash and I will graduate soon, and we've all been talking about how we want to buy a huge house and all live in it together.
Maybe... just maybe... I'll be able to confess my feelings for Jax. I've had a crush on him for, what, 5 years now? 6? He has to feel something for me... right? Besides, when I graduate, I'm going to visit him in Nebeza.
Either way, I just know that everything will turn out alright in the end.