Speechless. That's all I was.
I sat in the ER waiting room, silent on the outside, but my thoughts were running 100 miles a minute inside my head. What was going on? Did she know about this? What could it be? Why did it have to happen to someone like Jay? Why did such a nice person have such bad luck?
I said I wouldn't cry. I promised myself. There's no use getting worked up if she could have just been dehydrated, or her sense of balance went wonky because of the ear ache.
It made perfect sense.
I let out a deep breath. And looked over to a man who was VERY worried. He tapped his foot against the floor and pulled out an asthma pump.
He saw a doctor walk towards him and he immediately stood up. There was some inaudible mumbling and the man's face went blank.
The doctor stroked his arm softly and the man began to tear up. God. What if that's me?
"I'm so sorry." I jumped and spun around to see a doctor sitting beside me.
"W-what do you mean?"
"Well, your girlfriend has leukemia. And unfortunately it's in its last stages."
"What? How is this only coming up now?"
"She's been coming for regular consultations, has she not told you?"
I shook my head, and swallowed. My throat was no match against the rock stuck inside it. "What- I just-". The words couldn't make their way out.
"Honestly, things aren't looking good for her. We don't expect her to live much longer. I think you two should talk about it and make her last days the best." The doctor gave me a warm pat on the arm and she walked off.
Breathe in
Breathe out
Breathe in
Breathe out.
Breathe
The drive home was silent. Jay sat in the back seat and we didn't exchange one word to each other. I was feeling a lot of things right now.
Angry, betrayed, sad and hurt. And many others that simply can't be labelled.
Why didn't she tell me? I'm so angry but I feel like I'm not allowed to be.
What do I do now? I can't lose her, I love her. What must she be feeling?
All these questions, they just lead to more. They don't lead to answers. Just. Maybe I should just... breathe.
I took in deep breaths as I pulled up into the driveway of Jasmine's apartment building. I got out of the car and walked around so I could open her door for her.
She climbed out wearily and shut the door softly behind her.
"I. I didn't tell you because you don't deserve to be hurt. You deserve to be happy. And I wanted my last days to be happy with, you."
My lip quivered and I pulled her in. Her breathing was shaky and her heart was beating incredibly fast against my body.
I stroked her hair softly. "It's okay. Let's get you inside."
She looked up at me with that killer smile of hers, and gave me a small peck on the lips. I cleared my throat "Let's go get some chimichangas for dinner. What do you think?" She nodded.
This was going to be hard.