True and Coffee were loving the interactions between S.T.A.Y and 04:00 am. It was all over the internet. Soon enough, there were a lot of fan-made clips and videos of such instances that even we were not aware existed online. Our joint Christmas photoshoot had also gained a lot of popularity because of the quantity, sheer quality and the absolute lack of group boundaries. A few Behind the Scenes videos had also been released.
Since this had followed our song's release and we were still in the final phase of promotions, Changmin and I had had a lot of photos clicked together as well, to fit the concept of 'For Old Times' Sake'. The story of our friendship was no longer a secret to our fans and they just loved it. In fact, that was another topic they let their creative skills flourish with. There were plenty of theories for the possible interpretation of our song and even more fan-made videos with various clippings from whatever existed from the time before our debut, when we used to perform and train together. How they managed to get their hands on them was beyond me but some of them were so well-made that they even moved me to tears.
With all of that fresh content and the harsh realisation that our promotion period was coming to an end, I just couldn't reason with my pathetic emotions. We were just going to go back to how we had been before the collaboration had happened and yet, I found myself dreading it completely.
"Japan…" I wrinkled up my nose on hearing about it. Changmin and I were walking down the hallway with our Managers towards a smaller practice room that we had gotten to ourselves for an hour. As it was, walking over, I had a heavy heart. Over and above that, I got to hear about this. "How long will you be gone?"
"3 days. We'll be back the day before Baekjae's premier. Don't worry. You can still go on your date."
I chuckled. "Come on. It's just a movie premier."
"With your role model Min Baekjae." He pointed out.
I couldn't deny that the thought of it was nothing short of happiness for me. I beamed. "We're good friends now."
"I don't get it. Help me understand this. Why do you admire the guy so much? I get that he's got his good points but all of us do."
"First of all, he's really good-looking. He's got bright eyes. He's got a very likable personality. He's super talented. His acting is top-notch. His dance form is elegant. His rap is mind-blowing. And he's kind. He's easy to talk to. He's the image of perfection in my close vicinity. What is there to not like about him?"
Changmin frowned. "I have nothing to say against all that."
"See? Role model material. He's a good human being, gifted and very hard working."
"I'm a good human being too."
I chuckled and elbowed him in the side. "You can't be my role model, Hyung. There's a limit to how much I can like and mess around with my role model. It's called respect. That's also why I'm saying that Baekjae Sunbae and I are friends now. I'm not just a fan. We're friends." I shrugged. "And, Hyung, for the record, I'm all of your fan."
"Fine." He rolled his eyes and did not press any further on the topic. Within a minute or so, we were at the practice room. We really did not have anything to practice for officially and so, we did not book the room but it was unbooked for this one hour till 08:30 pm and we had just gotten back from our final promotional event. We had wanted some more time to say goodbye to our first project together and our Managers had been understanding of that.
"We'll go finish up some desk-work in the meantime." Manager Park said once we were inside. "We'll come back in an hour."
"The others have all gone back to the dorm. Minsu-ssi, you cannot stay any later than 08:30 pm because we have to fly early tomorrow." Manager Nam added.
I would have appreciated knowing that a little earlier.
Changmin looked at me and nodded. We both bowed to our Managers. Changmin was the first to speak. "We are really grateful to the both of you. We could not have done this without your support." Then, I spoke. "Thank you so much. This means a lot to the both of us on a personal level."
Manager Nam sighed and Manager Park chuckled. "Now it feels like this project is really coming to an end."
"Manager-nim…" I made a sad face. You didn't need to say that out loud like that…
"We have enjoyed the journey too." Manager Nam said. "This isn't the end of anything though. I'm pretty sure that you'll get to work together again."
"You can bet on that." Changmin grinned and stood straight. I raised my head too. "We'll be counting on you again."
"We know." Manager Park nodded. "Now, you both can have fun. We'll take our leave."
"Okay. Thank you." We bowed again and saw them off. Once the door was shut, we turned to each other. Changmin smiled and held up the packet that he was carrying. "Shall we?"
"Yes, please. I'm hungry."
Despite all the chairs in the room, we picked a spot on the floor near the wall to sit and eat the fried chicken and kimbap that we had packed. It wasn't much but it was a sentimental throwback to the days when we were trainees- to when we had just about enough money to indulge in this. Fried chicken and kimbap had been a luxury for us at one point. This food, this setting and this company signified our best days as trainees.
"This is really good." Changmin commented after a few bites. "Fried chicken and kimbap have never tasted this good before."
"I know, right?" Fried chicken and kimbap had never tasted this sad before either. Sad and delicious.
"Hold on." Changmin pulled out his phone, arranged the food and clicked a few photos. "I'll post one later." He changed the camera to selfie mode and moved in closer. "Come."
I smiled and leaned in. We clicked a few pictures together, making different faces and trying different poses. Then we looked through them and Changmin put his phone down once he was satisfied.
"I'll send them to you later."
"Not posting?"
"No. These are for us." He smiled and continued eating. "Ah. I'll only get to eat Japanese food for three days…"
"You like Japanese, don't you?" I too began eating again.
"I do but I've been on a purely Korean food run for a week now, if you didn't notice. Cravings."
I had not particularly noticed. "Now that you mention it… Then don't go to Japan."
He chuckled wryly. "If only it was that easy."
I watched him while eating. "You really seem to be enjoying the food."
"I am. It tastes like success and happiness."
"What?" I laughed. Was I the only one finding this sad? This was supposed to be a celebratory meal too…
We engaged in lazy chatter after that while eating slowly. By the time we had finished eating, we had already used up more than half an hour of our time. We weren't so full that we couldn't move but we were so satisfied that we did not quite want to move. Honestly, it felt like moving just then would only make time go by faster. We much preferred the stillness of the moment as we leaned on each other and just sat there. Silence set in for a few minutes in between. Without saying a word aloud, it was as though we were contemplating life and our positions just then together. There was something about these final moments of something good that made you reflect on yourself.
"Hyung-ah." I called after a while.
"Hm?"
"What do you think about 'For Old Times' Sake'?"
"I think we've made our younger selves proud." He replied without hesitation. It was almost like he had been thinking about it himself. "And I feel like Minsu has been grounded, brought off the stage."
There was something else that I had always wanted to ask. "Why did you choose a stage name, Hyung?"
"It's cool, isn't it?" He shrugged. "Almost everyone has a stage name. It's a fresh identity."
"That's why?" That seemed too simple a reason for someone like the Changmin I knew from 5 years ago.
He glanced at me. "Do you really want to know why?"
See? "Yes."
He sighed, dropped his head back and looked up at the ceiling. "I was a little upset."
"That we didn't get to debut together?" I had had a feeling that that was the case. When we were trainees, we had talked about our dreams of debuting in length. He had said that he had wanted to use his own name back then but when he actually debuted, he went with Minsu. It had surprised me but I hadn't thought of asking him about it. I hadn't really thought much of it. Then 'For Old Times' Sake' happened and he decided to release the song in his own name as Yoo Changmin. When I had asked about him not using his own name before, he had replied that that was because he had not made a song with me before. That had gotten me thinking.
He turned to look at me and just smiled.
"So, what? You're saying that you're Yoo Changmin only with me?"
"I was upset back then, okay?" He shrugged. "And childish. Now that I think about it, I'm not anyone other than Yoo Changmin with 04:00 am. I was throwing a symbolic tantrum that only I knew about. It doesn't mean all that much anymore."
It doesn't?
"Why didn't you choose a stage name? I had heard that you were given a few options." He asked.
"I wasn't throwing a symbolic tantrum." I replied in a way that earned a laugh from him. "I was going to deliver myself fully as a member of S.T.A.Y. I did not need another name when standing on stage."
"Basically, you stuck to what we had decided."
"Yes." I nodded. "Minsu Sunbae."
"Changmin."
I stuck my tongue at him and then looked ahead. "So childish!"
"Yes, it was childish. I admit it." He chuckled and checked the time on his phone. "Ah… barely 20 minutes left."
My chest tightened, making me squeeze out a pitiful laugh. "It's so weird. It's not like one of us is actually leaving or anything. Why does this feel so sad?"
"Well, I am going to Japan." He reminded me.
"You know what I mean, Hyung." I shook my head.
"Mm." He looked at me helplessly. "Do you want to dance?"
"Because it's sad?"
"For Old Times' Sake." He stood up and offered me a hand. "One last dance before we officially end this project."
"Now that just made it all the more sad." I took his hand and let him pull me to my feet. He picked up his phone and looked through it for the song.
"Let's dance for ourselves. Not practice. No cameras. Nothing."
Dance for ourselves. I was feeling strangely emotional enough for wanting to do that too.
I took my position such that the big mirror would be what we'll face during the main segments. We'd be our own audience.
I was facing away from the mirror when the song started. Even though we had the whole song playing aloud, we were still singing along. After the first verse that he sang, when I turned to face forward and began singing my verse, our eyes met in the mirror. "We learnt our trade and which voice to trust… through conversations we had had with just us." At this point, my body just knew what to do naturally. Even when my eyes were fixed on Changmin's in the mirror and my heart was pouring out the words that I was singing, my feet knew how far forward to move to allow my hands to find his. This time, I wasn't thinking at all. I was just throwing myself out there and laying myself bare. For all this tangle in my chest was worth, I let myself seek comfort in his being.
At the chorus, when we pulled away from each other again for the lagged imitation dance though, I felt incredibly overcome by something I could only term as loneliness.
Ah… He really should not have called this the last dance.
"Unadmitting, we had missed each other… and we still knew why our hearts ached."
It ached alright. Right there, in that moment of almost touching and not, my heart ached.
We slowed down our pace for the third and fourth verses.
"We'll be fine. Oh, we'll be fine… We have this treasure chest full of our time."
Was that really enough?
Even as we progressed through the second pre-chorus and chorus, I couldn't help but feel a little desperate. I did not want this to end. I had gotten too used to seeing him everyday again. I had gotten used to eating with him, dancing with him and singing with him. I had gotten used to going around in the same van with him and standing next to him for interviews and photoshoots.
As much as I loved S.T.A.Y, I did not want us to go back to S.T.A.Y and 04:00 am and lose sleep in trying to make time for each other. The time that had seemed to be a blessing to us prior to this collaboration just did not seem to be enough anymore.
Had I gotten greedy?
Everything seemed to come to a standstill immediately after the second chorus when the tempo dropped at the beginning of the bridge. I had walked away from Changmin and begun singing. "Ah ah… Ah ah… Ah ah…"
I could feel the movement behind me as he turned and outstretched a hand towards me. "Take my hand."
I turned and, in the slow dance sequence that I had learnt, moved closer to Changmin as he slowly took two steps towards me. That wasn't in the original choreography. He still took two steps towards me. It was evident that I wasn't the only one eager to close this cursed distance again.
"Ah ah… Oh ah ah… Ah ah…" As the choreography went, I used my hand, maintaining that one centimetre gap between our palms as I guided his hand around and brought it to an upright position such that his palm was facing mine.
"Let's meet again." He sang with an unreadable expression on his face. I touched my fingertips to his as the choreography went.
The angst was very real this time though- too real. My chest felt so tight that I couldn't breathe. The song was just that- our fingertips touching in our helpless and desperate attempt at holding on to each other as closely as we once had.
In the moment that that superficial touch was supposed to linger, however, Changmin decided to grab hold of my hand entirely. The surprise that that act of his caused me sent a sort of chill through my body. When I brought my eyes from our hands to his eyes as the chorus began, he gave me a smile that did not allow me to start singing when he did.
During the third chorus, we were supposed to be constantly in contact. Unlike all our previous practices and performances though, this time, things were different. While he pulled me into himself whenever he could, I did my part of not staying away. We were no strangers to physical proximity, especially in this dance routine. And yet, this time, it felt more intimate than ever before. It felt more intimate and, at the same time, more calming. The turmoil that I was feeling within earlier all seemed to have been washed away by our fluid movements. It was as though I was seeking reassurance from him in this manner. And I sang again. "So, take my hand now when I take yours… We are both still heading to the same place."
Even as the chorus ended and we panted heavily after that intense segment, while my heart was beating loud enough for me to hear, wrapped up in his embrace, I felt all the tension leave my body. I was still feeling overwhelmed when I smiled and hugged him back.
"Oh wow…" I let out a breathy voice, unsure of how to even break the silence that had set in after the dance.
"I know, right?" Changmin nodded and brought a hand up to the back of my head.
"My heart's still racing." I buried my face in his shoulder. I could hear his pounding heart too. That made me chuckle. "It's so stupid. We'll just be going back to our old routines but… Ugh. I feel like I'm going to miss you. A lot."
He didn't say anything. The only response I got was his heavy breathing.
"Maybe it is because you're going to Japan tomorrow."
"I'm going to miss you too." He squeezed me a bit.
"You always miss me." I chuckled. Gosh, what was this feeling?!
"Jeongwoo." He called and pulled my head back by my hair a little to urge me to look up at him.
"Hyung?" I met his deep black eyes. His hair was sticking to his forehead because of the sweat. We had expended ourselves entirely.
His hand tightened on my shirt at the back before he leaned in and closed the gap between our faces. He'd closed his eyes and pressed his lips to mine. I felt his breath on my cheek.
He pulled away for a brief moment before bringing his lips back to mine again. This time, I ended up closing my eyes.
Somehow, something stirred deep within.
With the hand at the back of my head holding me in place, he claimed my lips a third time.
Changmin was…
The realisation dawned on me hard when the hand at the back of my head threaded into my hair.
We were kissing.
"Mn!" I pushed against him and stepped away immediately, a heavy and punishing feeling of foreboding washing over me.
Stunned from having been pushed away so suddenly, Changmin pretty much froze. "J-Jeongwoo?"
"Hyung-" I looked down at my feet that somehow refused to move any further. "You…" We kissed.
Changmin and I kissed!
"Jeongwoo, wait." He stepped closer and caught my arms. "Look at me."
"No… I-I can't…" I shook my head, unable to think properly. We kissed and I had actually given in. I had reciprocated. "I'm s-sorry."
"Sorry?" He asked, urgency reflected in those dark orbs of his which had regarded me so endearingly only a few seconds earlier. "Listen. Let's talk about this. Okay?"
"No." I freed my arms from his grip and went to pick up my belongings. "That should not have happened. That just-" I paused and turned back to Changmin who had a horror-struck expression on his face. "Why… Why did you do that, Hyung?"
Please tell me that it was a mistake!
"The… same reason you kissed me back." He replied. "Jeongwoo, let's-"
"No. Just- Hyung." I furrowed my brows against the burning sensation at the back of my nose. "We can't… talk about it. We're Idols, Hyung. That should not have happened. I'm-" What were we thinking?! Hyung too- "I'm sorry!" I bowed and bolted out of the practice room despite Changmin calling after me, begging me to stop.