Eleven days had passed since that almost perfect evening that Changmin and I had spent in the practice room and we had somehow not even run into each other. Changmin's messages and calls had also stopped after around five days of my unresponsiveness. Two continuous days of no effort to contact from his end had sent me into a panic. The last thing that I had wanted was for us to grow distant again. Then I realised that, rather than just growing distant, this time, it felt as though I was going to lose my Hyung entirely. The prospect of that had scared me so much that I had not even realised that six more days had passed me by. In fact, S.T.A.Y's new album was progressing faster than my mind was processing my emotions.
I had realised that I couldn't take any longer debating with myself on this when, one day, on our way from the lobby to a meeting room, S.T.A.Y had happened by 04:00 am on their way to Kim PD-nim's office.
"We meet again!" Jaemin Sunbae beamed on seeing us and everyone greeted each other, even exchanging a few hugs.
This was exactly what I was praying would not happen.
Changmin was standing three people away from me and I had completely averted my eyes on seeing him. However, S.T.A.Y and 04:00 am had gotten close enough to just mix in on random meetings like this one. That reminded me of how Changmin would have usually just come and thrown himself onto me whenever we met by chance. This time, not only did he not do that but he was keeping his distance from me as well.
He must have been tying to be considerate of me because I was trying not to bring anything up. Or he must have been angry with how I had refused to respond. Either way, this distance between us when we were in the same space was making me feel incredibly empty, even though Youngjae Sunbae was talking to Yeojun and I.
I felt pathetic.
I was the one pushing him away and I was the one getting hurt by the fact that he was not trying to talk to me. What did I even want anymore?
I took a deep breath to wash away the lump that was forming in my throat but I could not stop myself from glancing at Changmin in between talking to Youngjae Sunbae.
Our eyes met and I felt my breath get caught in my throat again. Although we had happened to look at each other for only a few seconds before I tore my eyes away, my heart was pounding as fast as my legs were itching to carry me away from there.
I needed to leave.
Could I leave?
No, I couldn't. I couldn't leave without raising concern from others.
Then, from the corner of my eyes, I saw Changmin move. I was not particularly watching him but it would seem that I had become especially conscious of his every move. Even as I saw him make his way towards me, despite everything I had felt earlier, I was desperately praying in my head.
Don't come. Don't come. Don't come. Don't come. Please. Don't come.
"Jeongwoo."
Don't talk to me right now.
"Jeongwoo-ya." He caught my hand and asked softly. "Are you okay?"
I pulled my hand back.
Don't touch me right now.
"Y-Yeah. I'm okay." I looked away.
I'm not okay! Hyung, I can't do this anymore! I can't not look at you! I can't look at you and not want to just dive into your arms for comfort! I can't not talk to you!
But we can't just go back to how we used to be. At least… I can't. I did not want to pretend.
You mean too much to me.
I'm scared.
He furrowed his brows in obvious concern. It was probably because 04:00 am was aware that something had gone wrong between us but Youngjae Sunbae seemed to immediately engage Yeojun in another topic as soon as Changmin had come over.
I had not wanted that though.
"Jeongwoo, can we please-"
"Mingyu-ya, shouldn't we get going?" I looked over at Mingyu. "We're getting late."
Hyung… I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
"Ah, right." Mingyu checked his watch. "We'll have to get going. We'll catch up with you later, Sunbaenim."
"We too need to get going." Hyeonwoo Sunbae nodded. "Kim PD-nim's waiting for us."
Changmin did not say a word more. Even when we wished each other luck and I stepped past him, he did not utter a single word. As I walked away, my legs felt numb.
He had noticed that I was not okay with how things were. He had understood that with just that one glance. That was why he had come over to me, forgetting the distance that he too was trying to keep. And I had panicked and shut the door on his face again.
I was breaking the both of us.
The farther that I got from Changmin, the heavier my feet grew and the slower I felt I was walking. In that moment, either of us could have turned back and chased the other. I was not so confident about being able to keep up this front of being indifferent about it all anymore, if he had chosen to come after me.
"It helps to have such good friends at work." Jaehyeon commented. "I feel a little motivated."
"The joint Christmas event had really worked its magic." Mingyu voiced his agreement. "It's funny how we had always been closer than other groups but were never really that close."
"We have Jeongwoo Hyung to thank for that." Yeojun said. "We would not have done all this if not for Hyung and Changmin Sunbae."
Could we please not?
"That's true." Hanseol too spoke. "The collab is where everything started. It's such a meaningful song too."
"Uh…" I halted, making the others come to a stop as well and look at me in question. I motioned in the direction of the nearest washrooms. "I need to use the restroom. You guys can carry on. I'll join you in the meeting room." Kindly finish all your discussions involving Changmin by then.
"Okay. Hurry up though, Hyung. We're already late." Mingyu said.
"Okay. I'll be there." I nodded and broke away from the group. I needed a walk to cool myself down before getting back to work. I didn't take long. When I realised that I could not afford to be any later than I already was, I went straight to the meeting room.