AMANDA EDISON'S POV
Do I have to find my worth here in this place? I think I lost it already...
I've been staying in this village for quite a while now. So far, so good. My work is just stressful, I could still feel the soreness in me. Those sick bastards... Do I get paid to get treated like that? How vile of them.
Yes, if someone guessed it, I'm an adult film actress and a damn good one, as they say. They go crazy about me. That's what I craved for. To be loved and desired by many. I didn't even think about how I would end up after hitting rock bottom.
My career's falling... What should I do to redeem my former glory? My alias is just a name that's stuck, by now. People know me by the name of Rosemary St-James, and I loved the name they gave me. Loved. I don't know what to feel anymore after what happened...
I did the biggest mistake for the rest of my life by signing that damn contract just to take advantage of me in front of a camera? No, I don't want this life anymore... People see me as a disgusting pornstar who couldn't live without someone's penis inside me. They even suspect me getting STDs from it!
It's all bullshit. We get tested every fourteen days before filming. The process makes me feel like I'm brain-dead, especially in the aftermath. At first, I just agreed on doing steamy and well-written scenes in collaboration with the other actors. But the viewers wanted something more... Relentless.
The money I would get in exchange for exposing my body is on an unfair ratio. What type of Mathematics did they learn? Joke's on me, I took the bait because I was too naive. I didn't even read the contract. They just made me sign it and wait till it expires.
They keep on insisting that we should film in this village, but I think it would give it a bad exposure to the public. I don't want this little town to be known as the place where Rosemary St-James participates in an orgy. This place is too wonderful to be a setting of an adult movie.
After arguing with the director, we filmed it on a beach instead. I didn't complain this time, but the sand is just a major hassle during the filming process. I had to remove it inside me using the seawater, and it took me hours before I got rid of the irritation.
Glad that the process was done and I could rest now. I just wanted peace, is that too much to ask? I'm announcing my retirement soon after it gets released. In that way, I could say goodbye to the people that have seen my voluptuous build getting exposed. I don't wanna be seen that way ever again.
Their demands... It's just too much. Me getting implants wasn't my choice in the first place but I had to do it to keep them pleased and this is what I get? A crumb of cash and a mind full of sorrows and regrets? Don't tell me the mob has screwed me again. I feel so betrayed.
There weren't many choices left. I could feel that people could see through my clothes that I wear to conceal my source of income. Their eyes just scream judgment, telling me to get some decency. At this very age, I should have settled down in life but no, they took that opportunity away from me.
Is there anyone that knows me as Amanda and not Rosemary? Please... Someone. I'm begging you to come out. I'm losing it. Please don't think of me that way. Someone I could tell about my poor decision-making. No, not a life coach. Those are for losers that don't know how to live their lives.
It's getting boring out here in Cattle Lake... Am I the only one here aside from the villagers, that cute lady, and her smoking-hot husband? No? Fine. I might use a dip, anyway. I'm too lazy for a shower so I'm gonna do it old school instead. No one's watching, right?
After I took the strap of my bra off, I also peeled my thong down and plunge myself into the lake. Forget the bathtub, this one's way more soothing than that. I could feel the coldness telling me that to calm down and forget about what I'm thinking of right now. I did the right thing for the first time, and that is going here where no one could find me.
I was once an innocent girl seeking validation, and now I felt it without someone telling me. The water embracing me makes me feel like I don't wanna go. I could live here if I want to. It's sad to see that a few don't know this place quite well, and now I feel bad for them.
Huh? What is that? Is someone in there? Oh no, this could be bad. So I yelped for attention. "Who is it?"
A man struggling on the thick bushes soon caught my attention. I was about to help out when he managed to get rid of the green leaves on his jeans. I thought he would make me leave the water, it's just too livable here. He was looking for something and while he is busy, I dried myself out and wore my clothes back in, deciding to lend a helping hand.
"Looking for something?" I asked while adjusting my vest.
He seems confused, I might have bothered him. It was tense, and he wasn't saying anything. Maybe he's one of those boring, introverted guys that are hard to deal with. I wasn't expecting much until he opens his mouth to say a word about Cattle Lake.
It was awkward, yet he goes for it. "Visiting this place too?" He asked back.
I nodded because it was obvious that I'm not a native resident here, I mean I would love to. So anyway, he seems nice... Just too nice for me. "Yeah, I saw this place on the papers. You know what's next."
"Ah, okay... I knew this place back when I was a kid, just not this part." He didn't know about Cattle Lake? Woah, he's missing something out here in this village.
"Well, here it is. Cattle Lake. Ta-da!" I motioned like I was presenting it. Like this is the first time I get so passionate about a certain spot. It's strange... Yet so invigorating.
It's getting weird, he's just staring at the pond like there was something that he did not expect. Once I turned around, I looked at the water, and oh my God, it's lovely. Some white petals have scattered around the lake compliments its tranquil complexion. The flowers swimming on the lake might look damaged, but it doesn't matter. For me, it's perfection.
"Wow... Just wow. I'm caught off-guard with that." In an attempt to conduct a conversation, I spoke through my heart and soul. And yes, he did say something back. I don't want it when someone leaves me hanging.
"It's true... I'm glad that I discovered this place." He cracked a smile after those words came out, and I haven't seen such a genuine smile like that since I was a kid.
"It makes you forget your problems, eh?" My enthusiasm was through the roofs, expecting him to come up with something that might interest me. I was expecting him to be familiar with me but for the first time, I met a guy that wasn't knowledgeable of what I'm known for.
Would it be a relief? Yes, it would. Seeing someone like him gives me hope about people out there. People who kept staring at my ominous body and won't shut up about it. I felt my worth in this forsaken world after that. It was the thing that I kept pertaining yet I don't see the value.
Damn, the duality in me...
To be continued...