Standing on the stage I was welcoming the new hirers into the school as they came in one by one until I saw a girl with purple and black braids. Where have I have seen a girl with that kind of hairstyle before? I was trying to rack my brain for where ai had seen a girl with a hairstyle like that. And then it came to me.
Roxie. Roxie Harris is the only one that I knew that had braids the last time I saw her but her braids the last time I saw her were black and blue. I tried to remember the last time I saw her and it was trying to remember what you were trying not to forget when going to the grocery store without the list that you accidentally deleted off your phone. I wasn't even thinking if I would see her again and here, she was in front of me. At my new job and I couldn't take my eyes off her. This is making me crazy. It's been a year and she still drives me crazy what a shocker. Not.
All I can think of is her caramel skin that I remember touching when we kiss but she doesn't even remember my face.
Every time she looks at me, I just see all the memories that we shared. All I feel is a pain when I see her smile at someone else when she used to smile at me like that. I hide all of these feelings as I stand in the first circle listening to Maria my team leader from last year. I only really hear half of what Maria said but I try to act like I'm listening.
"Okay everyone we are going to talk about teams. Each classroom is going to have either one or two people helping out your partner teachers." Maria started looking at each one of us for a reaction. She did get one but I could see that Roxie was trying to look at the clipboard that Maria was holding with all our bae on it. Every time she looks at me, I make sure she has no idea that my eyes are always on her. I know she's already freaked out I came to see her in her dreams.
"Okay everyone here are the teams Roxie and Elias, Trish and Jake..." I couldn't hear Maria anymore as I looked at Roxie's reaction. Her face was bright red compared to her caramel complexion. I wanted to tell her I was happy we were going to be working together but by the look, she gave me I could tell she wanted anything else. I could tell this was getting to her and she just wanted to run away from the situation so when Trish came over, she took the opportunity to get away from this situation and me.
"Okay everyone go talk to someone you have ten minutes until you have to greet the students and make sure you are not late," Maria said to the sixteen of us making her way to the school's front office. She had a lot to do before her school day officially started and she wasn't even supposed to be here until 9:30 but she comes every day at 7:30 because she awesome like that. I remember last year when I first worked at this school and I was shocked how people were so late and she would just greet them with a smile. Any other managers and those tutors would have been fired but Maria always gave all of our coworkers the benefit of the doubt.
Like Trish for example she knows about my past with Roxie and wants to benefit from it. She wants to see me suffer well more than unusual. If she could steal Roxie from me, she so will.
"Why the long face? I'm Trish I'm so glad we are working together." And now it begins I just lost Roxie to Trish. "I'm Roxie nice to meet you too." Trish and Roxie went to go sit at a table and as they walked by Trish smirked at me. And now I'm fuming. Why can't she pick out her girlfriends? Roxie laughed at one of Trish's jokes and I wanted the ground to swallow me up.
I've only seen her smile in her dreams when I watch her from afar. Dreams for the past year is the only way I was able to see Roxie and after what happened between us, I'm not surprised she doesn't remember me. Who would want to remember such a painful memory of losing the one you love because you were trying to explain who you love but who you are actually in love with? It's something that I regret every day and it's something that I know is and was my fault. It wasn't Roxie's I know that for sure. And maybe if I didn't open my big fat mouth, I wouldn't be looking at Trish and Roxie laughing together and it could be me and Roxie.
Roxie's smile lit up the room and my life since we met and I never wanted to see her cry. I missed her smile. I missed her laugh. I just missed her. This past year has been horrible and maybe it's fate that we meet again after a year. She might not remember me but if romance movies and books taught me anything as sappy as it is people who are supposed to together find their way back to each other. Hopefully, we are not the Jack and Rose of the made-up Titanic story and hopefully, we are the Notebook characters who grew old together and lived a full life together.
I of course never wanted her to be afraid of me not like what happened. She was never supposed to see me in her last dream. I was just going to leave the plate of breakfast and dip but then she 'woke" up in her dream when I came in. Roxie made her way after the first circle to the stairs of the building.
She looked up at them like they were a puzzle she was not ready to solve. My heartfelt like it was going to burst as she took her braids and put them in a messy bun moving it for now out of her face. Well, I can't just let her struggle like that. I picked up Roxie's walker taking it up the stairs not even waiting for her to start following me. I heard a huff behind me and then she started following behind me. Well, we have some good progress.
You know you don't have to help me." Her soft voice even though she was trying to be mean hit my ears like a truck. All I could think about is the pout that I know is on her face right now. Before I could stop myself, I look at her. And I was right she did have a pout on her face but it was slight. Her light makeup made her look even more pretty and I had to take a deep breath.
"I wanted to help you. Is that a crime?" Roxie tried but failed not to laugh at what I said no correction she giggled at what I said. A wide smile stretched out on her face and my heart quickened. Does she feel like this when I smile at her? Or does she just feel nothing because she doesn't remember? I have so many questions for her but not now. Not on a day like this when all my questions would do is make her anxiety go through the roof and I don't need to be the cause of her pain.
"Are you the reason I got this job or something?" That question took me by surprise and Roxie stepped in front of me as we made it up to the second floor. I looked at her for a moment wondering why she would even ask me something like that.
"Are you serious?" She crossed her arms looking at me like I was the culprit in her crazy new job that she didn't ask for. "I'm just curious because all of sudden you're here and you were there in my dreams and I'm just confused, okay?" She has every right to be confused.
"Understandably you're confused. I had no idea that you were also working at this school as a tutor. You think I stalk you and tracked down your first job so we could work together that's crazy."
Roxie did not look convinced but she just shrugged walking toward our new classroom. She pushed her walker in front of her and into classroom 208 and I followed her having her take the lead. There were six kids in the classroom and one teacher at the front of the room. I checked my watch and it was 9 am on the dot. I noticed that Roxie looked around the room for the clock and noticed that we'd were right on time and took a deep breath. I knew that would bother her.
"Hi, are you the new tutors that are here to help us out?" The teacher said with a smile on her face. Roxie nodded holding out her hand for the young teacher to shake. "I'm Mrs. Leah bit you can just call me Mrs.L most of the kids do because it's easier when they need me."
I'm Roxie Harris the kiddos can just call me Ms. Roxie and this is…" She trailed out so I walk up to Mrs. and introduced myself. "I'm Elias Walker this is my around year working at this school P.S. 96 and I am happy to be working here again." Roxie is frazzled. I don't think she's known she is supposed to say that when she starts to work as a tutor.
"Uh, this is my first year working at P.S. 96. Well, this is my first job so this is my first school first classroom that wasn't full of three-year-old and first everything pretty much." Can she be any cuter Okay I need to focus if we are going to get through this day without me just being in a land and thinking about Roxie all day?
That is not going to help me help these kids that need my help. Roxie took a chair from the desk that we share in the back of the classroom and sat between two students a boy and girl who seemed like they were having a hard time with the lesson on division. I sat on the other side of the boy.
"So, division huh?" Roxie started and the girl with a bow in her hair groaned. "This is jail. School is jail. When are we even going to need this it's just math? We could always use calculators!" Roxie flinched at the girl's scream and just started explaining the problem.
"I understand that you might not like school but I can help with math. Okay, we are doing 56 divided by 3. Okay, how would you start that? Well, first what's your name? I'm Ms. Roxie."
How did she gain their trust so quickly? Last year it took me all year to get them to even tell me their name! The girl mumbled her name which was Daphne and listened as Roxie explained the problem and asked her how she learned how to do it from her teacher. Daphne explained that Mrs. L had taught her the multiply to subtract way to do long division but she does not remember how her teacher did it. Roxie took a moment and looked at the example that the teacher just did and went to work explaining to Daphne how she was supposed to do the problem using multiply subtract. That's my girl.
Well back to my student.
"So, what's your name?" The boy looked up at me and froze. "You're tall! Jeez, what did your parents feed you?!" I chuckled at that waiting for an answer to my question before I answered his.
"Oh, I forgot to say because I got distracted by your height. I'm Lee nice to meet you." He held his hand out for me and I shook it. "I'm Mr. Elias only call me Elias. I won't respond to you calling me Elias. Got it?" Lee nodded but did not respond but I'll take it. Okay now to start these problems. Ten minutes in Lee had finally gotten it and he was doing his classwork on his own. 3o minutes later Daphne had gotten sick and tired of math and I got where she was coming from but what she did to Roxie was uncalled for.
"You know you probably don't even get paid you live somewhere dark and nasty and you just come here because you have nothing else to do!" Jeez, what is her problem? I made my way in front of Daphne's desk staring daggers at her. "Is that how you talk to someone?" Daphane shrugged her shoulders and Roxie looked so uncomfortable like she wanted me not to help her but that she also wanted me to.
"You, okay?" Roxie shook her head but smiled. She's putting on a brave face. Of course, she is. I just wanted to take her out of this stupid school but I know Shes, not a quitter and she would never want me to do that so I went back to my seat and worked on the problems with Lee who was getting it and did not need my help but I needed to watch out for Roxie.
Forty-five minutes later Daphne the student that Roxie was working with had shut down. Her head was on the desk and she was out. She had put these John Lennon glasses on so no one could see that she was sleeping but Mrs. came over and shook her awake and that was the worst thing we could ever do. It was like a tornado went off in the classroom and the three of us were the reason. Daphne had to be taken into the hallway and sent home that's how bad she was acting. The principal came and talked to Roxie but she was nice and said that Roxie did the right thing by letting her sleep when Daphne had passed out.
Roxie looked close to crying and I was not surprised she always hated screaming and yelling. She told me the first time we fought. Thinking back on that day I understand why she wanted to leave and never come back. It was my fault and I was the reason that she forgot me too.
That night we had come home from a bar and I was just so tired and had been drinking. Roxie had not been drinking so she wanted to drive but I told her no because she had just gotten her driver's license. Yes, I know that doesn't make sense. Why would I drive if I know that I drank too much? I don't know really. Maybe I wanted to prove myself to Roxie or something. Maybe that I was stupid I don't know. So, I drove even though I knew I had drunk too much.
"You know if we get pulled over, I don't want to hear anything about this being my fault." I tried to keep my eyes open and my hands on the wheel at the right positions as Roxie kept talking it was like I was back in the moment of me driving her screaming at me to slow down as I was driving faster and faster.
" Are you trying to kill us?" She looked so scared and her eyes were filling up with tears as I drove faster and faster. I was just so mad and wanted to just disappear. I just wanted her to shut up and to go back to being in love with me and only me. Roxie is all I have and to lose her would be like losing myself. Why couldn't she be honest with me? Why did she have to dream about someone else when she had me? I should be the only person she wants. I should be the only person she needs and no one else.
It's been driving me crazy that I saw her dream of her being with that woman. I know no one can control their dreams. But for me dreams always mean that they mean to do what they did in their dream and I needed to know the truth so I can get ready to get heartbroken.
"Why were you dreaming about her huh?" Roxie had looked at me like I was crazy. "What are you even talking about, babe?" She's acting like she has no idea what I'm talking about now. I'm not crazy I know what I saw. "Who's Nova?" Why was that the second thing I said? I shouldn't even know who that is.
With that question, Roxie's face had gone red and I could tell she knew what I was talking about now. "How do you know about my dreams?" Her face wasn't red because of embarrassment anymore she was angry and I should have been angry and not her. It didn't make any sense. I never dreamed about anyone but her.
"I can see your dreams and they all used to be about me." She did not answer me and all I wanted was the silence to stop being so defeating.
"Remember I said not to look at my dreams if you didn't want to get hurt?" That does not help you here ugh. "I know I know but sometimes I just end up in your dreams and you looked so happy like you didn't even need me anymore." Now my eyes were filling up with tears and I wanted the burning tears to stop. I still needed to drive. I did not want anything to happen to her. Not because of me.
"Elias I... I don't know why I'm dreaming about her I've only been with men but I think I might be into girls too."
So, you want to leave me for a woman? After five years together?" Roxie's face scrunched up and her eyes watered. I knew she was going to cry soon. "When did I say that when did I even say that, Elias?" She trying, to be honest, she's trying to get me to understand. But I wasn't having it. All I could think about at the moment was that she was going to leave me.
"If you're going to cheat on me, I don't want to see your face anymore.''
And that was that. That next day she left because she had taken those words to heart. She thought no she had gotten it confirmed by me if she came out to me that she was bisexual I did not want to be with her anymore. She knew that I felt like she would cheat on me but she knew in her heart that she would never do that to me she loved me too much but it seemed all I cared about was my pride and what I wanted. What was mine and mine alone and it cost me the love of my life?
After Roxie left taking all her stuff, I blamed her. I blamed her for it all never even thinking of what I said as the problem. Saying that she shouldn't even be thinking of anyone else when we met in a dream and she should only be thinking of me in her dream world. It should just be for her and her no one else. I thought she did not even love me anymore that our relationship was over and she wanted someone else. I was a fool and I wasn't going to push her away again.
That was last year and I feel like I never even gave her a chance to explain. I think I was getting rid of her before she got rid of me and it was eating me up that I thought I was going to lose her. And if I was going to lose her, I was going to lose her on my terms. Roxie looked at me but quickly looked away. I think she's starting to feel something for me again even though it's slow. I think if I give her time, she will remember me and all the memories we shared and I will have the love of my life back. I just hope Nova does not get the same idea in her head.
After I and Roxie broke up, she went to college and met Nova who bullied her for a while but for reason fate, destiny, or just Roxie following her heart trying to fix it from our break up months before she fell for Nova after finding her and remembering her from the dream, she had that caused us to crumble. For a while, I was told by friends that they became friends and only friends because Nova did not know Roxie's feelings for her until Nova saw her dreams of me and her fight and how she had that dream about her. At first, she was confused and she only found out after Roxie had graduated and she had no idea where Roxie had moved to but she thought of the fact that she can see Roxie's dreams and go in them too. So now we wait.