Chapter 3
The first day was hard but having Elias there was not as bad as I thought it was going to be. After he helped me with my walker I was giving him a chance to redeem himself after what he did those years ago. I mean I kind of understand where he's coming from but I wish he listened to me instead of just assuming something from my dream was real. If dreams were always real then I think a lot of people would be in big trouble.
Dreams aren't always black and white and what we really what when we have them. You could have a dream about you being in love with an octopus but are you going to go and find that same octopus and live happily ever after in the ocean? I don't think so. I'm trying to make a joke here about dreams but it doesn't seem to be working. I just think that dreams are important to how we think of yourself bit I don't think it's the end all be all.
Maybe it was my unconscious showing me something that could happen. It's like when you have a dream and you wake up and your dream kind of happens the way you remember it because that is how you remember it. A lot of times day dreams seem real to me. It is like I'm in another world but for me its real. For me it's real, might not be right but it's right for me.
I can tell he wants to help and he's not just here for the paycheck. One of the kids even asked him how much he got paid and he joked that it was not enough. I agree the "pay" wasn't a lot and it was a stipend that they had to give us but I was here to help the kids who went to this public school. I wasn't here for the money.Being a teacher in the future is my dream and this job gets me closer and closer to that dream as I go to an online college. Online college and this job. Why did I ever choose to do that?
Looking around the classroom as Daphne tried the next problem because she didn't like the numbers in the last one. I remember feeling like I couldn't do anything without someone helping me so I let that go. I don't why I started I'm doing it but I started thinking about my middle school experience.I thought about how I felt in school going to a catholic school was not fun as I was trying to figure out myself. Catholic wasn't the place for someone trying to figure out their sexuality I could tell you that much.
Everyone was telling me that it's was okay or was not okay to be who I was or who I was finding out I was that it was trying me insane. I once talked to one of the nuns at my high school's church and she said she was fine with anyone in the LGBT community but they could not act on their urges which I think is stupid. I didn't even know what other sexualities there were but now I do but I'm more confused than ever.
They talk about this whole wait till marriage but don't talk about how marriages mess a lot of relationships up. A lot of people get married and have kids because they want to stay with that person or they feel like they have to. Catholic school made me feel so alone From the tutors that were horrin]ble to me because I accidentally dropped heavy books that no one was helping with to the teachers that would never answer my questions even when I did not understand something. It caused me not to speak up even in high school because I thought that I would just be ignored but that wasn't the case. Okay, I'll get off my soapbox about how religion is kind of stupid if you don't include everyone in respecting everyone no matter who they are. I mean they preach loving thy neighbor but don't want to love someone that might love a little different from them.
Before I was excepting anything else than being straight and boy crazy. I made my friend feel like she was the freak in our friend group. And that was the last thing i wanted to do.
"You know she's bisexual right?" Tina said with disgust in her voice. I shook my head stepping up to Tina. Who was she to talk about my best friend? She can come for me but not my best friend. Carrie i a great person and she doesn't deserve to be talking about like that.
"You can say anything to me but leave Carrie alone." At that time Carrie was one of my only friends. We had met in fourth grade while the rest of my friends I had known since Pre-k. I tried to sound strong but Tina just laughed in my face.
"You think she cares about your dream." I looked behind me and there Carrie stood with my journal in her hands. I couldn't believe my eyes as she handed it to Tina.
"She just called you a name and you're helping her." I did not even know what bisexual meant but I could tell it was a bad thing. something different that I never wanted to be. Different meant that i would be treated even worse. Having a disability that you are born with made me always feel like a freak and anything else different would make me feel even worse. Well, that's what I thought at the time.
Carrie looked at her feet and wouldn't even look at me. That day I wanted to have the whole world swallow me up and just never be here again. I meant like I was being broken up with but me and Carrie didn't even have that relationship.
" I'm bisexual Roxie Tina is right and I did it for her. You might not understand now but you might in the future."
My catholic school brain had no idea what that meant. I was raised to think Adam and Eve and that's it. I was kinda boy crazy so this was left field for me. I was on like my ninth crush that year but is ways kept by crushes to myself. I guess Carrie acted on her's that year. Even though i though she was straight. Now that i think of it it shouldn't have mattered if she was was she was just a bitch that did the dirty work for Tina because she wanted her.
"Bisexual, what does that even mean?"
"It means I like boys and girls and from this little book of yours it seems like you roll that way too," Carrie stated like what she said wasn't the worst thing she could say in this situation.
" I don't understand that my best friend will give up someone for someone that doesn't even like them and uses them. Yeah, I get it Carrie I don't need to think about it in the future. You know friendship might not last but love doesn't either. And she doesn't even care about you. so when you're alone and you have no friends and everyone thinks that you're a freak I hope you know how this feels."
Carrie had gone to my desk as I was at the back of the classroom putting my book bag and coat away and had they had the opportunity to do their stupid plan. That whole week they had shown my journal to the whole class.
I felt stupid that I even trusted Carrie that I even tried to defend her from what Tina had said about her. At one point I think I even had feelings for her but did not know what they meant. I probably just thought 'Wow she's so pretty that's why I want to be around her so much."
I was outed and the only thing that saved me is that I was graduating eighth grade so I would never see those horrible people again. I wasn't sure of my sexuality but I knew I wasn't straight. No one had told me what was happening they just let it happen. And it still bothers me to this day.The best thing that happened to me is that even though everyone knew what i wrote in my journal no one said a thing to me even the guys that said before this came out that had dated all the girls in the class but me, Carrie,hilda, and Emery. Kind of hurt but none of those relationships were real. One week one girl would be with Stan thn the next week anther one would be with him. It was weird for me because all those girls were friends but whatever floats their boat.
I never even told Elias that that had happened to me because after our big fight I had kept my sexuality in like a box where I did not have to deal with it. Maybe that was what the dreams were my unconscious trying to tell my conscious self what I wanted and that I needed to be honest with myself. Okay, enough pity partying. I need to focus on why I'm here to help these kids.
When I think of my job and how it was only twenty minutes from where I live and how I went to a catholic school that was a private school and had the worst teachers. I could tell how much these kiddos might need our help.
Even though I went to a private school the teachers did not seem to care and seemed only what to do for the paycheck I had a teacher in seventh grade that got so mad that one of the students was talking too much so he made him get up and threw his desk into the hallway.
I always think about that incident because a smaller kid could have been walking down the hallway and he really could have hurt that kid. The school did nothing of course because he just had anger issues.
Things like that happening to me and my friends made me want to presume my dream of being a teacher. And not just a run-of-the-mill kind of teacher I wanted to be a great teacher where I would help all my teachers no matter what. I wanted to listen to them as I wasn't listened to when I was a kid. It was always a waste for a kid to talk more than a sentence or they would get in trouble.
Raising our hands was met with the teachers not even looking at us even though they asked if we have any questions. I just stopped raising my hand. There was one time before a field trip in seventh grade that I just left the classroom and went to the bathroom because the teacher wasn't even looking up from what he was doing on his computer to see if we needed anything. That is a teacher I would never want to be or have.
The school is located in Harlem in Manhattan so it mainly serves people of color children who might need extra help with Ela and Math skills that they will need in the future. During training a lot of the people running it said that we would help the kids .move up their reading levels so that they could do state tests.
Just thinking of state tests being nine years old makes me squirm in my seat. Those tests were horrible and always made me feel so stupid know the kids might feel like too.
It was nice to have Elias since he worked at this school last year too so he knows most of the kids and I think they prefer him too. But I don't mind they'll warm up to me soon. It is weird to be around Elias after everything that has happened so far and our history but I need to just bite the bullet and talk to him.
That is what we didn't do last time we didn't talk. Elias just assumed that I would cheat on him and never really gave me a way to explain to him that he was the only one I wanted. I wanted to think about that time because it destroyed me try to forget him I need to stop thinking about the past. It just makes me crazier and crazier the more I think about it.Maybe having him there gave me some kind of courage to just do my job and not get so upset. My phone vibrated in my pocket and I took it out looking at the alarm notification and it said 12:50 Lunch.
I breathed a probably noticeable sigh of relief and got up from sitting next to Daphne walking towards my walker. Okay, that was kind of unprofessional. How can I know what she is feeling? She could be going through something at home and feels like school is the only place that she can express herself.
But forty minutes on one problem, because she won't even try and just sits there as I try to help her with her math, is kind of annoying. 4th-grade math is pretty hard I remember being that age and my teacher not telling us that we had to divide until we had the remainder but she never told us so we were all up to midnight doing our homework.
The next day my mom called to say what happened and all my teacher said was that 'Why did you let them stay up so late'. My mom never called that teacher again knowing that she would just tell the principal if she did and she didn't want that reputation.
My mom always taught me that you did not need to yell to get your point across but you could be stern about it. There are a lot of times my mom talks on the phone and they'll say why are you yelling at me and she just using her stern voice. It's pretty funny but you know I had to learn at a young age you can't let people walk all over you just because you think they are your friends. Or you gave to be polite because they are someone important or a company that you pay money to. You get respect if you respect me that's my motto.
"Where are you going?" Daphne blurted out her face going into a pout. I turned back to look at her and walked back over to her desk. What now?
" I'll be back I'm just going to lunch. " Daphne huffed when I said that with a smile.
" You're leaving like my other tutor just admit it." Oh. I never thought about that. The way Daphne acts bothers me but I would never quit on someone on the first day.
" I know you may not believe or trust me but I am not the kind of person to give up on someone." Daphne put her head on the desk but I could see she had a smile on her face. And there it is. She doesn't want to show it but she's warming up to me.
Mrs.L was busy teaching the class so I just made my way to Elias. He was sitting in the front of the classroom next to Lee. They were on number 20 when me and Daphne were still on number one. Well isn't that great!
"Okay now that you remember what the remainder means so what would this number right here be?" Lee looked at the division for a moment in front of him and then he pointed out the answer. I could tell he was trying hard to answer the question. I could see the little gears turning in his head.
"It's 3."
He was still helping Lee with his division and he looked so into it. Lee was getting the answers right and was getting more and more excited. Don't think about Elias being cute. You're just happy that this is working out. Your happy that the kiddos are getting the help they need. It has nothing to do with the feeling in your stomach. And I am totally not thinking about how cute he looks today.
"Elias lunchtime?" He looked up still having a smile on his face. My heart squeezed in my chest and I had to look away from his gaze. Uh, what is happening to me you are not sixteen anymore.
"Lunchtime already?" He stood following me to where I was. My walker was by one of the closets in the front of the room. I made my way out of the classroom pushing my walker in front of me taking a breath. Elias walked beside me in silence, not bad silence but silence where I was comfortable just walking beside him.
Elias held the door for me as I made my way through the two pushable doors making sure I close them behind me so the kids don't get hit with them. That would not be good for my first day and especially not good for the kiddo. Why am I even thinking of that?
"So how's Daphne doing still giving you problems?."Elias said breaking the silence between us. There is no one in the hallways and I was happy that we could talk without any interruptions.
" I mean it's the first day there are going to be some problems." We are our way into an empty classroom and Elias held the door for me again but as I before I went through he said: "After you Mistress" in a funny voice. I laughed as he said that trying to stop myself but failing. I forgot how much he could make me laugh. Ive been trying to keep those memories away.
I placed my walker by one of the closets and sat in one of the kid's desks. Elias came through the classroom door after me just as I sat down. He turned the chair around to face me as he sat at the desk in front of me.
"This makes me think of the little lunch dates we used to have."
" Yeah used to think of the word you just said. Used to."
"Come on it's been years it would not hurt us to talk about this."
I knew he was right but thinking of all that pain of leaving after what he said to me five years ago. I just wanted it to go away. A lot of bad things in my life I just forget or don't remember what occurred when something bad happens.
"Let's just forget about it. I don't what to live in the past." Moving forward is better than being in the last where all that pain came from. I took out my lunch looking anywhere than at Elias.
I had made my lunch a chicken stir fry that I had cooked last night and put in a bowl. I had started cooking after I noticed how high my bill was from buying take-out all the time. It was breaking the bank.
This morning I had almost forgotten it and had to go back to the apartment grabbing it and running out the door locking the door behind me. Elias ate his sandwich in silence knowing I didn't want to speak. I just wanted to enjoy his company that I had not had for a couple of years.
My phone vibrated in my pocket. I ignored it thinking it was just a notification from Twitter about a new Kpop post or fan page posting something about one of the groups I love. I opened the notification it was a message from a messenger I had not used in year's KIK and the profile picture was of Nova the girl that I had seen in my dream.