The mood in her room got pretty tense after I discovered that pastel pink charm with the phrase "Fruition of Love" embroidered onto it.
It was a present I gave to Rin 10 years ago. Memories of those days flood back into my mind. Seeing Rin's sad face, I somehow wanted to make her feel better. So I went to a shrine and bought that charm. When I gave it to her, she had such a beautiful smile on her face.
Because I was only in grade two at the time, I didn't realize the charm I gave her was a marriage charm. Though now, we both understand. As I'm thinking that, I feel a nagging itch in my chest. I was ignorant back then, but now I just want to cover my face in embarrassment looking back on it.
"Y-you still have that, huh..."
I make a trivial remark to break the tension in any way possible. Rin starts hugging her stuffed bear really tight.
"It's... really important to me."
Written clearly on her face is joy, as she smiles back sheepishly. As I stare in awe at her face, Rin suddenly gets up and approaches me.
"If you don't mind, I'll sit beside you."
I move over to make room for Rin as she gets down and imposes herself right beside me. Those comfy cushions are really dangerous, so it's no surprise it can fit more one person. And so, Rin and I are sitting shoulder to shoulder.
"Tohru-kun."
I can feel Rin's body heat emanating onto my left arm. And then, I hear Rin's voice continue on.
"Today, I woke up really early so I could make you a really good meal."
"Y-yeah, thanks. I couldn't be more happy.."
With that, Rin starts rocking her body back and forth like some bored kid. I hear the rustling of clothes and the sound of irregular breaths. Rin's tension is rubbing off on me as well.
"That's why I'm really worn out right now."
"Hmm?"
I don't understand her at all. But I do know she wants something from me. The realization of what Rin wants dawns on me immediately. Steeling herself, Rin exhales.
"I think you know, Tohru-kun."
Her cheeks are dyed red, and even though she's shaking, her pupils light up.
"I want a hug. I'm sure a third of my fatigue will get better."
Rin opens her arm towards me as she says that. She's definitely going in for a hug.
...
...
Umm...?
"Rin?"
"Don't get me wrong, alright? This is just the most efficient way to cure my fatigue. Don't read into it, because there's nothing else to it, you got that? Nothing at all."
"Again, I didn't say anything about that."
She looks at me with upturned eyes. I see her shaking lips and thin arms. It's embarrassing, so it's best to get this over with as soon as possible. Why do I feel discouraged all of a sudden? When she said hugging was only for healing, was she telling the truth? It kind of feels like Rin just wants to hug me. I don't really have any right to refuse, do I? I mean, she's literally begging me to hug her right now.
Regardless, my desire for Rin won out over my rationale. Without saying anything, I stretch my arms out towards Rin's back. Our bodies are glued together. Yep, this is definitely a hug.
"Fuu..."
Rin makes a strange sound and I can feel my eardrums melting as a result. Compared to that dangerous cushion, I can feel so much more heat hugging Rin.
As I detect soft hairs touching my face, a sweet relaxing scent finds its way into my nose. Like with our practice hug the day before, my five senses are on high alert. The only difference is that I feel two arms squeezing my back in a tight hold. I can feel Rin's heartbeat through our clothes. At the same time, my heart is racing and my body temperature is rising dramatically.
All around I hear various noises, our rugged breaths, the rustling of clothes, the steady ticking of the clock, it feels much louder than usual. Despite that, the sounds of the daily grind outside are all blocked off, as if this room is cut off from the outside world. My whole body feels weak as I let myself become enveloped in this giddy euphoria.
This sense of security is making me feel sleepy. I slowly start to feel my consciousness slip away as I close my eyes. Rin buries her face on my shoulder like she's some kitten. Because of Rin and her predictable sweetness, the amount of joy I'm feeling increases exponentially. Impulsively, I place my hand on Rin's head.
"Hea..."
I ignore her surprised gasp as I run my fingers through her pleasant hair. With gentle strokes, I caress her hair as if I'm stroking a baby.
"The charm, thanks for that."
Breaking the silence, I decide to verbalize my gratitude.
"...I should be the one thanking you."
With a squeeze, Rin takes hold of my clothes, like some clingy child. I can't see her face, but her tone of voice says it all. Her expression right now is definitely one of bliss. I have no idea how to put this, but with a soft voice I open my mouth.
"Did you... get a miracle?"
Those words cause my face to burn up like crazy. Simply put, I wanted to know how Rin felt about me. I can feel her body shaking in response to my question.
5 seconds pass, 10 seconds pass. It's 20 seconds before Rin says anything.
"Half of it... I would say."
Shyness, awkwardness, happiness, helplessness, regret: I can sense so many emotions coming from that soft voice by my ear.
Half, huh? I have no idea what Rin's short and vague answer actually means.
I won't dig deeper.
As if to remove these weird emotions from inside of me, I start to rub Rin's face again. Rin starts to purr again. And for a short while, our bodies stayed like that, glued to each other.
"Sorry, Tohru-kun."
All of a sudden, Rin says that. At the same time she takes her arms off my body and our bodies separate. In front of me is Rin. She's breathing all uneven and rugged. With her face dyed with the colors of dawn, she tells me something in a flushed voice.
"That's it... that's all I'm able to handle."
With a throb, my heart starts pounding. Up until now, none of the faces my childhood friend made my blood boil so much. Why is the girl I love making that face...
I don't think we can keep living lies anymore. My mind flashbacks to the past two, three weeks.
One day, she suddenly proposes we walk home together.
She made a bento for me.
She invited me to watch a movie with her.
She invited me for lunch.
She treated me to homemade cooking.
She invited me to her room.
She accepted my headpats.
She hugged me.
Clearly, something has changed. Why is Rin doing all of this all of a sudden? Is it really just on a whim? I don't really know myself. My intuition is screaming at me that Rin's recent actions have some sort of intention behind them.
Only one conclusion behind all of this floats into my head. It's the one I stored away deep within myself so that I could never see it again. If I ever saw myself looking at it, I would pretend it didn't exist at all. If Rin thinks of me the same way I think about her, then does that mean Rin...
"Rin."
"Hmm...?"
Rin looks up at me, clearly puzzled. Her usual prickly expression is nowhere to be seen, instead replaced with a defenseless and innocent look. I love that expression so much. I open my mouth to say something, but I close it before long.
"...It's nothing."
After all that, I'm unable to confirm Rin's feelings. But really, that one possibility, is impossible.
Rin's recent actions might have been to get closer with me. Rin has been treating me so kindly lately too.
But yeah, it really is impossible. Even so, it makes me happy, really happy in fact. The type of happiness that makes you want to jump out and shout to the world.
However...
It's painful, it makes my chest hurt, it's the type of pain where I want to rip my hair off and shout. There's no way in hell I can confess to Rin now. Because I still haven't done that yet...
All of this self-hatred and guilt, I hear a crack within me. Without Rin noticing, I clench my hands into a fist. As I do that, my whole body starts shaking as I put as much force as possible into my fist.