I always thought of myself to be strong, to be independent and to be able to take care of myself, no matter what situation. I've been through hell, losing my parents at a young age, surviving on pure spite, raising my sister, providing for her.
I still remember how me and Ro starved the first few weeks, how we lived only on bugs and leaves, how we almost froze to death at night. And I remembered how we overcame it, how I stopped feeling sorry for myself and started hunting. The first life I ever took was a rabbit, a white one. I cried. I remember almost getting stomped over by the moose when I was seventeen. I remember carving its flesh, I remember making a blanket out of its fur.
I believed it made me strong. I believe it gave me character.
So why couldn't I move a single muscle when several pairs of hands started roaming my body, tearing of my clothes. Why couldn't I release a single sound? Why couldn't I hear anything?
I was strong, a fighter, a magic wielder. Yet, at this moment, I don't even remember breathing.
I lost all control over my muscles, over my reason. We were way beyond fight or flight. I was terrified for my life, even though I didn't want to exist anymore.
I was frozen on spot, letting drunks violate me in the worst way possible.
There were fingers pushed in my mouth, teeth biting on my nipples, my knees being spread, hands everywhere.
And I just laid there, numb. Not even able to hate myself for my pathetic behaviour.
I don't know who did it first, whose dick, fingers, a bottle, maybe, penetrated me first. All I remember is hearing a small whimper and animalistic laughter and cheers. I didn't care about those, all I kept thinking was that soft sound? Was it mine? Was that sound and the single tear rolling down my face going to be the only things I will do in this situation.
Again?
I barely remembered it happening the first time, I was just a child, about eight years old. My mothers left on another mission that week, asking the neighbour family to look after us.
I remember it being a warm autumn afternoon, Ro and I were invited over to the neighbours for lunch. I remember it being delicious. I remember Ro and Milo, the son, playing in the living room. I remember the parents asking me to come upstairs. I remember going. Then I remember lying on the bed, in pain, quietly sobbing alone.
I completely forgot about it. I would have forgotten it. One day, however, I heard Ro screaming. She often spent time with neighbours, she and Milo got along well, they often played together.
I ran outside, followed the screams to the little shed on a flowery garden. What I saw next almost made me freeze on the spot. Ro was lying on the floor, crying, screaming, kicking her legs trying to get free, Milo was lying on top of her, trying to keep her still, pulling his pants off.
Actually, now, thinking back, that rabbit wasn't the first life I took. It was, however, the first one I regretted.
That was the scene that brought back my memories, the scene that made me realize Ro was so much stronger than me, fighting back, trying to do something.
I hated myself for being week and I did my best to overcome it. I thought I did.
--
I didn't remember when they left, I don't even know if they did.
All I know that the next pair of hands that touched me was gentle. I felt like there was a voice there to, a song of an angel, calling me back to the ground.
I didn't want to go, the ground was cold and painful, the ground held my body.
The next thing I felt was warmth, something covered my body and I thought I heard the words: "Don't worry, I'll get you out of here," whispered in my ear.
And I did get out of there. I don't remember when I sit up from the ground and took my place in the corner, the soft blanket tightly wrapped around me. I wasn't even sure if it was really Evren's face I saw the next night, maybe two nights from then?
I don't know, I didn't understand time anymore.
"Hi, Alex," I heard Melian whisper softly. She is here, too?
"We are here to get you home, don't worry." She smiled warmly, although I could see it was a tiny bit forced. "Can you stand?"
I nodded, but I didn't move. She waved Evren over and they helped me to my feet.
"It's going to be okay, everything will be just fine." Melian whispered, goddesses bless her soul.
I'm sure she didn't mean it, I'm sure she didn't even know, but those stupid words of comfort did it. they broke me out.
It all came crushing down on me, the memories, the feelings of their bodies, of their hands and I started standing straighter. I got angry. Angry at those men, at world, at that angel, at Melian and Evren. Furious at me.
Goddesses, snap out of it Alex! You're a fighter, a survivor. And now you can't even walk on your own?
Shame on you.
I started boiling, going from one extreme to another in a matter of seconds. One moment I was being lifted from the ground, now I was on a killing spree.
I didn't remember the faces, didn't care for the names. My mind was blank, only the image of royal guard pinned in my brain and I killed everyone I saw in those colours.
Just as I was about to take another life, something hit my head and everything went black.