Stepping out the metal door, a gust of wind hit Amari's face and his boot crunched into a layer of snow. He shivered and kicked it away, taking his stress out on the white fluff.
::Fucking snow.::
He pushed his sunglasses closer to his face, keeping the glare out of his eyes, and shuffled into the coffeehouse, the little bell on the door ringing as he rushed inside. It was between breakfast and lunch, so there were hardly any customers and it was quiet.
"Mon chou?" Cate's voice drifted from behind the counter, then he heard her footsteps come toward him, her hand resting on his shoulder. "You're up and out early today."
"Yeah. I made Ziggy angry, so I'm escaping."
Cate chuckled and brought him back behind the counter. He gave a short bow to one of her part-timers, unsure if he had met the person before. After hearing no response, he guessed not.
"Are you hungry?"
Amari nodded, since he was always hungry, and she handed him a large blueberry muffin. After a quick glare in her direction, he took a bite. "Really, you only ever feed me sweets. I know you serve real food here."
"Oui, of course I do, but you need to be sweetened up, hein? So grumpy all of the time."
There was silence as Amari ate his muffin, the part-timer cleaning tables and mulling about.
"What did you say to make Zig mad? He doesn't usually get upset with you, tsé?"
He shrugged, unsuccessfully wiping his sweater to get the crumbs off, so Cate reached out and did it for him. "I asked him what's going on with Joe. Maybe not in a nice way."
"In front of Joe? Well, of course he wouldn't be happy with that. That's rude even for you."
He shrugged again. "I was just wondering. Ziggy doesn't usually hide his relationships." He leaned his elbows on the counter. "And he isn't fooling around like with Nicky. He doesn't wanna talk about it, and he talks about everything."
"Oui... I've seen them together. I think they really like each other."
"Like, an actual relationship?" He turned toward her, shocked to hear that Cate would think that. "I mean, Joe's a nice guy, but Ziggy doesn't seem like his type."
"How can you tell that, hein?" Her voice was sweet and motherly. "How much do you know about Joe, outside of the studio?"
"Not a lot, I guess." He scratched his head, feeling a bit confused by the situation. "But the two of them together, doesn't it seem like they're both..."
Cate chuckled lightly. "Bottoms?"
He shot up, choking on his breath, then let out a long giggle.
"Ah, regardez ça, you smiled! It's been so long, tsé?"
Amari shook his head, coughing and wiping the expression from his face, but continued to stare in Cate's direction. "I just can't believe you said that."
"Pourquoi?" She sounded so innocent, he blushed in her place. "That is what it's called, hein? Ziggy is my brother after all. Did you think I don't know these things?"
His mouth hung open, Cate's angelic image growing fuzzy in his mind. "No, I mean... I dunno."
"Well, that is what you were implying, n'est-ce pas?"
He nodded slowly, still a little shocked that he was having this conversation with this woman. "I guess? I wouldn't've said it that way... I just meant they seem to be the same kinda person, in a relationship. There isn't any balance."
"I don't think we can know how people are behind closed doors. Perhaps Joe isn't the same person in a relationship that he is with friends, tsé? Or perhaps he just has a flexible personality."
Amari nodded, understanding that well, and suddenly a naked, aggressive Yangyang flashed into his mind. He groaned, leaning forward, trying desperately to think of something else, but that just made his mind wander further.
"Is something wrong? You don't feel well?" She rubbed his back and he winced, then shook his head.
"My stomach... I've just gotta go to the bathroom." He stood quickly, pulling his coat down over his waist. "It's probably better if I use the one at home."
He waved at the woman and rushed out the door, pushing through the snow and up the stairs to the apartment.
Closing the door behind him, he checked for Ziggy. The kitchen and living room were quiet and the bathroom was empty, so he assumed the man was out or in his room. He hurried down the hall to his own bedroom, closing and locking the door behind him. Falling onto the bed, he stared up at the ceiling.
::What the fuck's wrong with you Amari? Of all the times and places...::
He took off his coat and searched his dresser for a clean sock, returning to the bed. Undoing his pants and letting them slide down to his feet, his legs hung off the edge, his briefs already wet.
::Fuck. I really miss him.::
He covered himself with the sock and grasped tightly, slowly moving his wrist. Closing his eyes, he could hear Yangyang's heavy breathing and low grunts in his mind. He felt the curves and dips in his muscles on his fingertips, and could smell the sweat and sandalwood on the man's wide neck. Making out against the brick wall in the cold, their first night together, Yangyang molesting him in the cab – the memories of their first touch to their last came flooding back.
::Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.::
Amari laid still long after he finished, the thoughts racing through his head. He missed Yangyang's taste and smell, and the warmth of his tired body lying next to him. Letting out a long groan, he sat up and cleaned himself off. He crawled back into bed, leaving pants and underwear on the floor and curling up under the heavy blanket. His phone buzzed and he hung an arm down, feeling around until he found it in the pocket of his jeans. Taking it under the blanket with him, he played the message.
'Hey. I was going to come over tonight, but I have a thing with some musician friends I can't get out of. I'll come by tomorrow, yeah?'
Amari sighed, his feelings torn over more time spent apart.
'Yeah, okay.'
'How are you?'
'Fine. About to fall asleep.'
'Ah, sorry. I'll leave you alone then. I love you.'
'Yeah. Love you.'
After a few minutes, there was a light knock on his door. "You came back quickly. Did you eat breakfast?" Ziggy didn't seem angry anymore.
"Yeah, I ate," he mumbled, just loud enough for his friend to hear. There was no response, just fading footsteps, and Amari closed his eyes, trying to sleep so he could waste another day away.
Twenty minutes passed and he was still wide awake.
::Fuck.::
Throwing the blanket off, he crawled to the other side of the bed, stretching out to reach the guitar sitting in the corner of the room. He strummed for a while, just playing with chords, then found a rhythm, letting a song come into his mind and out his mouth.
He sarcastically thanked his subconscious again as he sang along to You & Me, wondering why he fought with himself so much. The only words he could say were cold and distant, but the only words he could sing were apologetic, confident, and loving.
Amari closed his eyes. ::Jesus, Amari. Figure it out.:: He knew what he wanted, but with that temporary self-esteem gone, only fear and doubt bubbled to the surface.
The idea of relying on someone else, forcing all of these problems onto anyone, made him sick and he worried it was too much. One thing after another - he was such a mess. But he had always been a mess. He could learn to handle this new problem like he did the rest, so that it didn't burden the people he cared for.
Beyond that, though, he wasn't even sure who he was anymore. These personalities he had built, the ones he had carefully separated, clashed inside him and he didn't know who to be. Yangyang was fine with his dark side, but what about Taitai? The child loved him as he knew him, but what if he turned into someone else? Yangyang's mother? Which version of him did she like? And Nisa? He was always good with children, but what if he wasn't good with the other teachers? Parents? Why was his life tangled up with so many others?
Yet again, he wished everything could be resolved just by singing. The lyrics to the song were simple – as long as we're together, I don't need anything else - but life wasn't like that. Yangyang wasn't alone in the world, and now Amari wasn't either.
As he strummed out the end of the song, he sighed, lowering his head. "Fuck... Amari, what the hell're you doing?"
He stayed with Ziggy as an out, and to take time to confront these confused feelings, but he was just avoiding everything instead. He was no different from his old self. The limbo couldn't last forever, not if he wanted to keep what he had, but he didn't know what to do.
Should he go back to being the strong, confident Amari, smiling at people he didn't know - people he didn't even like? It wasn't always a lie, but it wasn't entirely who he was, and he hated pretending. Or, should he confess and let out the grumpy, rude Amari, potentially scaring people away? Potentially scaring Taitai and Yangyang's mother away.
He never cared about what people thought because he never had people to care about. Now he did, but it was exhausting, worrying about how they saw him. He wanted them all to accept him for who he was, but if they didn't, he could lose them. Was it worth the risk?
With a loud groan, he set his guitar on the floor and slouched back. If just thinking about it was tiring, living it would be even worse. He couldn't help thinking he wasn't made for this. He had no life experience to pull from – he had been cold and mean for as long as he could remember. When a real relationship was broken, it was devastating, so he always kept things superficial or nonexistent. Now he had too many relationships - meaningful relationships he didn't want to lose.
His mind emptied as he pushed the thoughts away. He wasn't getting anywhere, and wasn't in the mood to make life-altering decisions. Staring blankly at the ceiling in the dark, he drifted off to sleep.