Amari gave Yangyang a nod and pointed toward the entryway. "Zig, can you open my suitcase and look for a large envelope?"
After a few moments of rustling, the sealed packet was placed into his hands and he opened it, pulling out a stack of papers. Ziggy went to reach for them, but he waved him away.
"I wanna go in some kinda order... A lot's happened in the last three months."
Rubbing his thumb against the right corner of each paper, he searched out the small, raised braille letter written to help tell them apart.
"I guess I'll start here," he said, carefully spreading a few full-size fliers onto the table. "This's what I was kinda thinking about, before I left."
"VIBE?" Yangyang read out the organization's name from the paper. "The Center for the Visually-Impaired and Blind - Education, Engagement, Empowerment, and Equality."
"Yeah. I work there part time now."
A small gasp escaped both men and Amari frowned again, disappointed that the two obviously didn't think he was capable of finding a job. Not that there had ever been proof he actually was capable.
"I'm technically not qualified, but when I interviewed with Nisa, the director, she gave me a job anyway. Experience over education, I guess?" After saying it, his frown dissapated, realizing it had been a shock to him as well. "Anyway, right now I just teach a few kid's guitar classes, and help as a teaching assistant for some of the preschool and elementary groups. And with whatever else they need me to help with."
Amari felt the papers again, feeling a little more eager to finish after his audience's reaction, and pulled a couple to the top. All he had to do was ramble through and it would be done. Maybe if he spoke quickly enough, he could erase the past three months and pick up as if this had always been his life.
"I also started taking classes." He rested a finger on one of the fliers. "They've got classes for older teens and adults like me, who lost their vision later in life. So I'm learning braille for the kids, since they're so much better at being blind than me, and then some life skills."
Moving down the paper, he pointed to the bottom section.
"They've got support groups too... For blind parents-" The always uncontrollable warmth forced its way through his cheeks at the label. "-and for the visually-impaired." He had made many decisions while he'd been away, but he didn't want to make assumptions.
Yangyang gave Amari a light kiss on the neck, either not aware of what saying that word meant, or not affected by him saying it. "How long have you been thinking about this?"
"Honestly, I was just annoyed because your ma kept asking me what my plans were for the future. So I randomly researched things." He felt Yangyang nodding against his shoulder, understanding the frustration well. "But then I came across this place, and I like kids so... I dunno. It was just a thought, but I didn't have anywhere else to start."
"Minute, là!" The paper was yanked from under his fingers, sliding across the table. "This address... This is in Downtown Brooklyn?"
Yangyang lifted his head and leaned forward to get a better view, pushing Amari closer against him. "You've been that close this whole time?"
His tone was somewhere between upset and surprised, and Amari couldn't tell which was stronger.
"Uh, yeah." He scratched at his head shyly. "It's just a straight thirty minute train ride from here. A block away from the Hoyt station."
"Franchement... What the fuck." Ziggy's tone was flat, then he went quiet for a moment before adding, "I don't know how I feel about that, tsé?"
"Sorry..."
An apology didn't seem like the correct response, but he didn't know what else to say. The location was one of the reasons he looked into the place, and there was no rule that said if you were running away, you had to leave town completely.
"I haven't got anywhere else to live, so... I've still gotta work somewhere with an easy commute. There's an okay shelter a few blocks from another station along the line, so I just stayed there while I was gone." He pointed to the designs shaved on his head. "There's a guy there learning to be a barber, so I let him practice on me."
His explanation was greeted with only the sound of soft breathing, and he cleared his throat uncomfortably, hurrying to find another paper.
"Uh, anyway, Nisa said they've got full-time positions for teachers. They mainly teach children, but they also offer workshops for parents, other teachers, and businesses, to help them understand and work with people who're visually-impaired. But I need a degree for that."
Amari nudged the paper forward. "Obviously, I can't go to college, so for now, I just signed up to take GED prep classes, starting the end of this month."
There was another short period of silence and his stomach began to twist, but then Ziggy's voice cut through. "I thought you were just leaving to find yourself or something. But you actually went out and became an adult, hein? It's like you're a different person. How does that happen in only a few months?"
Relief instantly washed over him. "I was highly motivated." Yangyang pulled him tight to his chest and he turned, giving him a warm smile and a quick kiss. "Don't get too excited. I'm not done yet. I told you, a lot's happened."
Amari had run through this story many times in his mind, but as each little piece finished, he found telling it wasn't as difficult as he had imagined. Rummaging through the papers, he pulled out two stapled packets.
"Once I'd saved some money, VIBE referred me to a specialist for my condition. Other than when I had the head injury, I've never seen a doctor for my vision. I didn't see the point." He shrugged. "There wasn't much point in this visit either, really. She just said that the nerves've deteriorated too much to stop complete loss of sight. Based on when I got the injury, she said probably two or three more years."
His throat suddenly closed and he swallowed the urge to cry. He had always known he would eventually go blind. Even after speaking to the doctor, it hadn't bothered him, but now he had to grit his teeth to prevent himself from shaking. He took a short breath before speeding through.
"Uh, she did prescribe me sunglasses that help prevent the light sensitivity, and medication to stop the symptoms from that. They work pretty well."
Pulling out the other packet, he flipped a few pages and put it down. There was so much to say and he was talking so much, and his desire for it to end clashed with his need to finish. It was strange to go this long with his voice the only sound in the room and he had no idea how the two were reacting to his story.
"While I was there, he suggested I try counseling. I wasn't thrilled about it, but I'm obviously pretty fucked up, so I made an appointment. Now I go once a week. It's helpful, actually. It's nice to just talk to someone..." He lightly tapped Yangyang's hand at his stomach. "If you ever wanna come with me, they encourage that. But no pressure."
"I'll go with you, if you want me to," Yangyang answered, that deep, kind sound soft in his ear, breaking through the surrounding silence.
Amari nodded and took a little breath. "So... What else?" He reached into the envelope, but paused as he felt Yangyang shift under him. "Yang ge?"
Yangyang stood, lifting him to his feet, and without a word, he walked down the hall to Amari's bedroom, shutting the door behind him. Amari looked toward Ziggy, but his friend didn't move.
"Don't ask me, hein? Je sais pas..."
After setting the envelope on the table, Amari followed to his room, finding the door locked. He knocked gently, but there was no response, so he leaned against the wood, his mouth close.
"Yang ge? Can you lemme in?"
There was a moment of quiet and then a muffled sigh. "No."
The voice was especially deep now, but he didn't sound angry. It was also close, almost as close to the wood as he was, and he guessed Yangyang was sitting up against the door. He slid to the floor, doing the same.
"Can you tell me why you won't lemme in?"
Another quiet pause, then another muffled sigh.
"Why does it seem like you're doing so much better? Even in that video, you looked so much... happier."
He wasn't sure how to respond. That was the purpose of leaving - to take control of that frightened, insecure child and feel like a human being. To become a strong and confident person. Yangyang didn't sound pleased with the result, though, and it confused him.
"I am doing better, and I am happier. Isn't that a good thing?"
"But... You did all of that without me... You could only do that without me."
As if someone had clenched it between giant hands, he felt his heart crush under the pressure. He knew that tone of voice well and he immediately turned, his knuckles striking the door harder now.
"Shit. Yang ge, lemme in. First, just unlock the door and lemme in."
It was a few seconds before he heard the lock unlatch and he scrambled to his feet, flinging the door open. He couldn't see anything in the dark but he could hear breathing, quick and heavy at the edge of his bed, and he threw himself over Yangyang's wide shoulders, pulling his head firmly into his chest. He wasn't pushed away, but Yangyang didn't embrace him back either.
"Jesus, Yang ge... I know I'm not good at this, but why do you still not understand me?"
There was a soft, indecipherable murmur in response and Amari sighed.
"I didn't do any of this without you. I did it because of you. If I was really without you, I'd be lying in this bed, under this blanket, in nothing but my underwear, spending every day in the dark."
Yangyang shifted slightly and Amari ran a hand through his hair, always having to find ways to say the things he had never told anyone. But it was easier now, and he knew exactly what to tell him. He had spent three months with little else running through his mind.
"I love you, but I hated myself. I thought I'd made some progress, but that night showed me I was wrong. For as long as I can remember, I've never tried to live for someone else. I've always been useless." No, that was wrong. "Not useless. Worthless. I've given and others've taken, but none of it meant anything. And whatever lie I told myself, I've never been genuinely happy."
Yangyang wrapped his arms gently around his waist and Amari pushed himself a little closer. "I was happier with you than I've ever been, but there's still a limit. Honestly, Yang ge... I'm still just a kid. I was barely twenty-one when we met. I was insecure and weak. I felt guilty being loved, and I doubted every good thing I had."
He took a small breath, his heart and mind surprisingly calm, both relieved to finally say these things out loud.
"How're you s'posed to trust me when I've got no faith in myself? How can I support anyone when I can't even support myself?"
Yangyang's grip was tighter now, his breathing slower, and Amari smiled. His fingers ran through the long, soft hair again, the shampoo and sandalwood stirring and drifting into his nose, and he gently kissed the top of Yangyang's head.
"You're right. I'm better and I'm happier. I left everything and got my shit together, on my own. I made those changes for me, but I only did it so I can confidently be with you. Now I need you to be confident too, okay? There's no part of me that's better without you."