Minwoo pulled his brother's black hoodie down over his face as he raced up the steps into the karaoke, scurrying past the empty check-in desk and down the hall to a room on the right.
::Jin-jja, this is crazy...::
He was glad the boss hadn't been there, because he would have definitely recognized him, even in this ridiculous get-up. Entering the room, he was waved in and quickly shut the door again behind him. With a loud and dramatic half-groan, half-sigh, he flipped his hood back and wiped the sweat from his brow.
"Aishhhhhhhh... Hyung! It's like, a hundred degrees outside! Ya, jin-jja! Why am I wearing this? Neomu deowo! I think I'm melting, no cap. Ah... the sweat... Nan ddam-eul heulligo iss-ne! Seriously, look at this sweat! It's so gross!"
He paused to glare at Amari, slouched on the hard couch, staring into space. There was no reaction to his complaints and it looked like he had been crying, so Minwoo swallowed the rest and sighed instead. After pulling the sweatshirt off and throwing it to the floor, he walked over and collapsed next to his friend.
"Ya, hyung. Yangyang hyung has called and messaged me so many times, a-ra? He's really worried."
"You didn't say anything, did you?"
Amari's voice was hushed, as if just asking the question was difficult, and Minwoo sighed again. This was too much drama, and he didn't do drama.
"Of course I didn't." The body next to him loosened a bit in relief and he shifted a little closer. "But... are you really gonna do this? Jeongmal-yo?"
Amari only nodded and leaned forward, propping his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. He obviously didn't want to talk about it – he probably didn't want to think about it – but Minwoo couldn't let it go.
"Keunde wae? Why would you leave like this? I can't even understand... Yangyang hyung is literally the best thing that's ever happened to you, and you're ghosting him like a bitch."
There was a brief pause, then in an even softer voice, Amari replied, "But am I the best thing that's ever happened to him?"
Minwoo said he couldn't understand, but that was a lie. He knew his hyung better than anyone - at least these parts of him that no one else would ever see. This wasn't about Taitai running into the street, or the car, or even the fear. For Amari, this was a constant and obsessive self-doubt - a belief that he was worth nothing and deserved nothing. He had pushed it away with Yangyang, but it clearly wasn't gone, and if nothing changed, neither would he. Minwoo put a hand on his friend's back, letting out any remaining frustration in a final sigh.
"Hyung, you're way better than you know." He removed his hand after a quick pat. "But, you won't believe me, so okay. Ihae haess-eo, hyung. I get it, and I won't say anything." Resigned to the situation, a smile returned to his face, and Minwoo stretched with a few groans. "That still doesn't explain why we're sneaking around in the karaoke."
"I needed to sing." Amari's voice was a bit lighter, hopefully feeling better knowing at least one person could understand him.
His smile a bit wider, Minwoo huffed out a laugh. "Keunde, you don't need me to sing. Why am I here?"
Reaching out, Amari felt around and grabbed the mic from the low table in front of them. "Singing first."
"Ne, hyung." With a small giggle, he stood and stretched again, then jumped a few times, loosening his body. "But if we're doing this, it better be lit."
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After singing every No Brain and Norazo song they knew, Korean lyrics shouted out into the small room and vibrating off the ceiling and walls, both collapsed to the floor. It had taken a couple of songs, but Amari eventually freed himself of the crushing mess of emotions, letting the music take him and his feelings escape into the microphone. As always, it was intense and passionate and beautiful. Finally, lying on the floor panting, there was a wide smile on that previously cold face. Minwoo wondered if his friend knew how obvious his expression was. Or how obvious the change between sixteen-year-old Amari and this Amari was. He hated that there were things Yangyang would never see and could never understand about the person he loved, and he hated that he might never be able to tell him.
"Ah, hyung..." Minwoo attempted to catch his breath after almost constant bouncing and singing. "I'm wiped."
There was quiet beside him, and he rolled over to find Amari's smile a bit faded – not less happy, but different. Something calmer and sweeter.
"You have a song in your head." He knew that look and didn't need a reply. Pushing himself up, he shuffled to the catalog. "Whad'ya want?"
Without moving, Amari said, "Yoon Mirae, Sarangi maj-eulgeoya."
"Jin-jja?" Minwoo hesitated. His hyung appeared confident, but they had just spent an hour getting away from those feelings. "You really want to sing This Love?
Still flat on the floor, Amari nodded, and Minwoo put the song on. Even as the lyrics started, Amari didn't move, eyes closed and limbs spread out, so Minwoo joined him, closing his own eyes to listen.
Surprisingly, there were no tears as Amari called their love anxious and wrong, and no sorrow when he told the emptiness he was struggling. This was an 'I can't do this anymore, but don't forget me,' yet it wasn't a break up. It was an 'I'm lonely and I look for you, but I'm not ready to be with you,' yet there was no doubt that he would come back. It was an absolute 'I love you,' but sung by someone who didn't love himself, and who knew love alone wasn't enough.
When the song ended, although Amari had managed to keep himself composed, Minwoo couldn't hold back and rolled over to wrap his arms around his hyung, pressing his face into his chest.
"Ya, Minwoo..." The pause was followed by a sigh, then a light hand on his shoulder. "Jesus. Are you seriously crying right now?"
He punched Amari in the side and took a few deep breaths, the tears slowing. When he was finished, he rolled over again, lying on his back to stare up at the ceiling.
"Ya, Minwoo..." This time Amari's voice was much softer and his gaze drifted away to a corner of the room. "I need you to look after Yang ge while I'm gone. Can you do that?"
The words were said calmly, but filled with heartache, and Minwoo swallowed hard to stop the emotions from overwhelming him again.
"I don't know how long I'll be gone," Amari continued, taking a quick breath. "But he's not strong. I need you to take care of him."
After a long pause to collect himself, Minwoo nodded, even though he knew Amari couldn't see. "Ne, hyung. I can do that."
"Thanks."
He stayed on the floor as Amari stood, dropped the mic onto the low table, and headed to the door. With a raise of the hand before leaving, Amari smirked and added, "I'll see you when I see you."
Then he was gone. The room was quiet and Minwoo swallowed again.
"Ah, ssi-bal."
He hated the feelings swirling inside him. Sorrow, grief, helplessness, and guilt all fused together into a hard lump in his gut. If he could have recorded that song and played it for Yangyang, he wouldn't need his care. But that wasn't the way Amari operated, it wasn't the way his broken mind worked, and it wasn't Minwoo's place to interfere.
Instead, after a long exhale and a loud groan, he reached into his pocket and grabbed his phone.
'Hyung'
The response was almost immediate.
'Have you heard from him?'
Minwoo really hated this, but kept texting anyway.
'No. Still looking. But I'm gonna go to the noraebang every Monday night. Wanna join me?'
'Why?'
'I dunno. Maybe he'll come back? And it'll just be good to sing'
'He won't go back there.'
'Yeah, maybe not. Still feels good to sing, ne? Come sing with me hyung? Ne? Ne? Neeeeeeeee???'
'Why?'
'Cause I don't wanna sing alone! Ah! Bring Taitai! I wanna play with him!'
'Yeah, maybe.'
'No maybes hyung. Yes. Say ne Minwoo, me and Taitai will come sing with you'
There was a long pause, longer than he wanted anyway, then finally another notification.
'Ne Minwoo, we will come sing with you.'
'A-ssa! It's gonna be lit, hyung. No cap!'
Putting his phone back into his pocket, Minwoo grinned up at the ceiling. You better not take forever, he thought, then with another loud groan, he pushed himself off the floor.