I'm drowning, I can feel it every time I'm around her. its killing me, I cant see the top, the waves keep crashing above and around me...I'm

Dead. Completely and utterly dead.

Natalie and I have been friends since the start of high school, that was nearly five years ago. I realized my mistake all too late when I started developing feeling nearly a year ago.

But it means nothing. My feelings mean nothing, and maybe its denial but I dont care.

Shes my best friend and nothing could change that, no matter how many nights I lay up thinking about her, about us. Its stupid, I know but no matter how much I try to shut out my feelings the more they seem to flood my consciousness. Its driving me crazy.

I lay on my bed tapping at my phone, it the only distraction I can find that works. I scroll through Instagram, Im doing fine until I see a photo from Natalie posted only a minute before. I groan and throw the phone away, not wanting to look at its hypnotic screen.

I sigh, reaching for the phone with a shaking hand, no matter how hard I try I couldnt stop this, this thing that we had just because of my stupid feelings. My eyes drag towards the screen and I cant help admiring her beauty, the way her golden blond hair falls over her shoulders, brushing her collar bones, her blue-grey eyes sparkling like a pool of starry night, the way they crease when she smiles to much, and her olive tan that shines with an inner glow. She is beautiful and I am screwed.

My phone buzzes in my hand and I jump, I curse silently and give it my full attention. There is a message from Natalie, reading:

Nat: hey, can we talk?

I hesitate before answering, a million questions swim in my head.

Sam: sure. What is it?

It takes a while for a reply and I wonder if Natalie changed her mind.

Nat: could we maybetalk in person?

Im frozen in place, what do I say, what do I do? So, I do what I always do I, I pretend to have everything under control.

Sam: sure. Usual place?

A second later,

Nat: yea

Im up before I realize it, even though my mind tells me to stop my heart tells me to go, shes my friend after all and whatever it is that she cant tell me via text must be important.