The sky was covered by a sea of gold that indicated the darkness that was about to come. Standing there overlooking the city, I felt the breeze of the evening air flowing through me, it was as if the wind itself were trying to tell me that even after I was gone, the world would still be moving forward. Looking down I saw all the people crossing the streets. From where I was standing, they all looked like a colony of ants, some were walking in pairs, some in a big group, and a couple of them walked alone.

I chose that location because I wanted to see the world that I live in one more time before I moved on; another reason was I figured that jumping from that high up would be the least painful way I could go. Standing there on the ledge at the roof of that 60 stories building made me feel that I was truly just a speck of dust in this vast and bustling city. Though I have made up my mind to go through with it, standing there suddenly made me recall past memories that led me to end up on that ledge. Growing up I was never really a normal kid. Other people always shunned me, and I could not even remember a time where anybody would invite me to places, or even strike up a conversation with me. My place was always to lurk in the corner of their eyes as a part of the background.

I remembered that this was not the first time that I had attempted to end my life. Five years must have gone by since the first one. I was still in high school at that time. My experience of high school was overall not that bad, I had a couple of friends that I interact with from time to time, and I did not have a bad reputation. But one day I realized that it was all a façade. I was on my way to the bathroom when I heard a faint voice coming from that direction.

"Do you think we should invite Adit to the trip next week?" said someone from inside the bathroom.

"Nah, I don't think that is necessary," another voice said in a firm tone. "We wouldn't want to spoil the trip for the girls would we?"

"But all the boys will be there," said the first voice. "And what if he stops 'helping' us on exams if we don't?"

"I don't think he would do that, he's too naïve to do something like that."

"I guess you got a point there, it would be a drag to have him there huh."

Those were the voices of the people who I thought were my close friends in high school. Looking back at that memory, I thought it was such a petty thing for me to have wanted to end my life over not being invited to some trip. But then it dawned on me that to my 15 years old self, realizing that my existence does not really matter from the mouth of the very people that made me wanted to keep going to school devastated me. I was also a kid with no ambition, no big dreams like any other kid would have. Even up until I went to college, I still did not have even the faintest image of what my future was going to look like, I thought those kinds of things would just come to you naturally. I saw all the people around me thriving to be something, to be a doctor, to be an actress, to do something great. It seemed like they all had a reason to live, a clear vision of what their path looked like. Meanwhile, I was simply living because I was born, and that made me despise it even more.

Without realizing it, I felt tears flowing down to my cheeks. Standing there made me think not only of past memories, but also of all the things that I would miss out on; the Christopher Nolan movie that was supposed to come out this week, the new season of my favorite anime, and especially my mother's birthday next month. Thinking about my mother made my heart ache a little, she was always the one person that has cared about me the most, that always think about me even after I moved to Jakarta for college. Imagining her crying on her birthday created a sense of guilt in me because it would be my fault that she would not enjoy her birthday. But after looking down once more the feeling was slowly fading away, looking at the various activity of the people below me, all those movements, made me remember just as the wind had, that she, like any other people, would probably move on too.

As I was trying to focus my leg to move forward suddenly a face flashed through my mind. It was the face of Mirai, the girl I met earlier in the coffee shop. The rich color of her hair, the length of it that complimented her face nicely, the outfit that suited her figure, and above all, the image of her sitting there smiling while puffing away smoke from her mouth appeared in my mind as clear as day. It was quite a funny thing to remember her I thought, even though we spent the entirety of the day together, she was practically a stranger to me. But there I was at my last moment remembering her like I had known her all my life.