"We need to talk."
Judging from the way he looked, I could tell something was bothering him. He was guarded, grey eyes churning dangerously and his lips pulled into a tight, thin line.
A dark feeling overcame me but I brushed it away, gesturing to Alistair to lead the way. Something told me that this was not just a regular talk, but I couldn't place my finger on what it was.
Shadows clung onto me like a second skin as I shuffled after Alistair, his rigid outline striding towards the kitchen. My limbs still ached from the healing process a while ago, from the illegal brew of faerie herbs I drank. Soon we arrived at the kitchen, Theodore and Father already waiting. I took my place at the opposite end of our rickety, wooden table waiting for the lecture to start.
Alistair braced his hands on the table, the wood groaning from under his palms. "You can't ... can't keep doing this Eleena."
I sucked in a breath.
What?
Alistair's voice came out as a shuddering whisper, unlike the confident tone he always has. I inclined my head trying to look at his eyes, but he was focused, intently staring at the vines of roses I had sketched on the corner of the table.
"What do you mean?" I said, my voice unusually soft as though soothing a child.
"You know very well what I mean."
He looked up, pain written on his face. I flinched.
I could very well compare him to a wounded animal. Vulnerable, afraid and feeble. I had never seen this side of him before, nor do I want to see it again. It held too much grief and sadness for just one person alone.
I knew what he was trying to tell me but I didn't show it. My throat closed up and tears formed in my eyes but I held it in. I already knew he wanted to replace me, to shield me from the pain the village Elders had brought down on me. But I wouldn't allow it, couldn't allow it. Not when I had watched my family nearly reel into the abyss of death, not when I had been so close to bringing war upon faeries and humans alike.
I sighed, running a hand through my dark locks, combing the knots away. Taking a sharp intake of air, I clenched my jaw and faced Alistair, carefully keeping my face a blank canvas with no trace of emotions.
"Look. No matter how much I want this to stop, I can't ." I walked to the table, each step as though wading through mud. "I'm not going to put you in risk again, surely you know that. The Elders would not rest in hunting us down if I were to stop the torturing. I can't let that happen again, not when I thought I was going to lose all of you before."
A single tear rolled down my cheeks, splattering silently on the wood. I couldn't even look at Alistair anymore, the panic he is feeling showing on his face. The air was thick with tension, making it almost suffocating to breathe in this small area. My heart ached, ached for him as though an iron fist was clenching it. I wanted to comfort him, but again, my mouth refused to open.
"Eleena, Alistair is right." I turned and faced Theodore. His eyes were red and puffy and his cheeks were moist from crying. "You ... you can't shoulder this burden forever. Let us help you."
Theodore forced a smile. He had a similar aura to Alistair's. Protective, sad and yet strong, determined to help their sister in any way they can. I spun back around to Alistair, watching fat tears roll down his chiselled face.
"Let me do it. Let me replace you," demanded Alistair.
"No. This is my price to play, my part to play. Not yours."
"Please Eleena, just ... just please." Alistair croaked, reaching a hand out to me as though it would somehow persuade me to give in. "Please."
I let myself face him, staring into his crestfallen eyes. All I saw was a little boy, begging for his sister's safety. It wasn't the strong, confident Alistair I saw in his eyes. No, I saw the Alistair that was caring and warm, the Alistair whom I was proud to call brother.
Tears blurred my vision as I clenched my hands to stop them from reaching out to him. From embracing him and saying 'I love you'.
"No. This is for your safety."
I squeezed my eyes shut, forcing the last of the tears out before opening them again to see Alistair heartbroken.
"My safety! Do you even hear what you are talking about Eleena? Have you ever thought about us? How we feel watching our sister, daughter, being torn not just on flesh but on her soul? How we hear your cries resounding in our ears? It is torture enough for us watching you just once. I can't imagine what would happen to me if this continues for the next few months, years even!" He slammed his hands on the table. "I just ... just don't want to lose you when I have already lost Mother."
His voice became broken, weak as he said those last words. A weight has been lifted off him as he said those words, I could see it on his face. He was still anguished, but he looked relieved and calmer too. I couldn't say anything, tears still flowing freely from my eyes. It was silent now. A comfortable silence, not the tense silence before.
I exhaled, shaking my head as though shaking away the weariness and melancholy.
"Let's just eat."
. ____________________ .
We dined on rabbit stew that night. The sound of clacking utensils and chewing only interrupted the comfortable silence. Everyone was deep into their thoughts and sniffling quietly under their breath. It was quite obvious that everyone was tense from Alistair's rather unexpected outburst from earlier on, their stiff postures and robotic movements showed it all.
I picked at my food uneasily, taking small bites here and there. I wasn't hungry, my mind to busy thinking about Alistair's words before to care about food.
I just ... just don't want to lose you when I have already lost Mother.
His sorrowful face burned in the back of my mind, how he reached out a hand, his other hand clutching his chest as though to stop his heart from falling out. My stomach dropped as I blocked out the image from my head. I stared at my plate my eyes seeing something completely different compared to rabbit stew.
Th-ump. Th-ump. Th-ump.
There lay Alistair's heart beating loudly in my ears. It oozed thick blood, spreading across my plate. I blinked and it was gone. Just cold stew on my plate.
Bile rose in my throat. I pushed my utensils together and abruptly stood up. My legs banged against the table, causing it to wobble slightly. All at once, three pairs of eyes flared towards me, each pair brimming with concern. I couldn't see them though, Alistair's beating heart seemingly tattooed into my brain.
"I will hunt tomorrow. I am leaving at dawn."
Theodore gave a subtle nod of his head and resumed his meal. I needed to be alone. Away from everything and anything. My footsteps were near silent against the ground as I ran into the bedroom, the bedroom in which I share with my brothers. My father slept in his cot by the fire as he couldn't walk much.
I could feel my dinner rising as I rushed into the bathroom. Pain seared my knees as I slammed them on the ground, my hands hugging the cool porcelain of the toilet. I retched loudly, the acidic, sour taste of vomit coating my tastebuds.
Moonlight leaked through the tiny crack between the wall and the roof, providing little relief to me. I vomited again, this time not as much contents poured out of my mouth.
Only a hallucination. One of the many things that haunted me after being mutilated.
Panting, I braced myself over the bowl, counting each wheezing breath. I focused on my breathing -- in through my nose, out through my mouth. Over and over.
I waited for the retching to subside and when it finally did, I eased myself off the toilet, heading to the adjacent wall. The gentle, cool breeze that came from the gap tousled my hair, calming me thoroughly. I leaned my head back against the wall, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand.
Safe.
They're safe and alive. They are eating right now, calmly and peacefully just outside this room.
I curled my legs into me, hugging them tightly to my chest. Safe. Safe. They are safe.
Slowly, I loosened my grip on my legs and opened my eyes. I smiled as I saw the painting of me and my brothers' eyes, each iris different, showing our personality.
Cold, blue icicles for Alistair and his frosty persona. Warm, crackling flames for Theodore's kindness and compassion. And me, the stars of the night sky. I frowned a little at that. I never truly knew why I painted the stars for my eyes. It had always bothered me but I still liked it.
Sighing through my nose, I looked up at the crack between the roof and the wall. The sky was extraordinary tonight, with its hues of violet, indigo and navy blue. I watched as the stars twinkled brightly, like how my mother's eyes had twinkled with amusement before. I smiled slightly at the sight of the stars.
Maybe there is some good in the world. I just have to search for it.
"I miss you Mother." I whispered and maybe, just maybe, I heard her joyous laugh once again. Light and airy and full of merriment.