the moon. grandious yet lonely, so meaningful it was used to guide ancient civilizations, even having spiritual guardians associated with it. so mysterious and so fascinating. like my parents used to tell me when I was little, aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star. that's pretty much what happened to my life, to be honest i wasn't aiming for anything at all, i just happened to be a lonely person and simply needed someone to talk, but i found my star, and i can tell you it shines brighter than the sun itself.
Monday, 1:45 AM.
I've been in my bed for almost three hours now and I can't seem to fall asleep. you may be asking the reason for it, and I have an explanation. first of all, my name is Noah Clarke, your average 16-year-old high schooler. at the age of 13, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, and the fact that I was constantly made fun of didn't help. my classmates always left me isolated from them. they thought I was different, they thought I was weird. they thought I was a lot of things, things they didn't mind saying out loud for the whole school to hear. it wasn't always like that though, I used to like going to school every single day, but now I dread it. I feel anxious whenever I set my foot in that place, the eyes of my supposed friends are so attached on me as I walk by that I can feel the change in the atmosphere of the place. but thankfully, I was finally transferred to a new school, and I don't really know what to expect, hence the insomnia. what if it turns out to be even worse than my old school? that'd be kind of a hard thing to achieve but not impossible either. what if I actually make new friends and start to feel more like myself? that'd be so relieving. being in that old school made me hide myself behind filters and masks, as if I was trying to fit in, but I never did. I changed my personality so many times in order to feel the tiniest amount of acceptance from their part, but it was never the case. do they even know the emotional damage they've caused me? I honestly don't know, I've literally hidden my true emotions from them for so long that they might think I'm a emotionless zombie that's dying inside. that's not entirely false if you think about it. for three years, all I wished for my birthday was to have someone to fix me. I don't know, maybe I was too naive to wish that, I thought someone would magically appear and make my life easier - or less difficult - but so far this person hasn't appeared in my life. sometimes I think I'm broken, or a lost cause, because no matter how hard I try or how much fun I try to have, I always end up falling inside this massive hole I have in my mind. it's like I'm drowning in my own words. it's weird, but I'm kinda getting used to it.
The room is dark, with the only thing that's providing any source of light other than the street lamp is the full moon, causing cold white rays to invade the place and fill it with a calm atmosphere, as like someone froze time for a moment. it feels so surreal and eerie at the same time. I look out the window and watch as the natural satelite lights up even the darkest areas. the moon might seem lonely, but for me, it has reassuring energy to it. whenever I feel lonely, I look up at the night sky, because I know that someone, somewhere, might be looking at it as well, and I gotta admit that it makes me feel like I'm not the only one who's so messed up in life that's looking at the night sky 2 o'clock in the morning. if the moon could talk, it would tell the most beautiful love stories and the most depressing monologue, that's for sure. I can't even count how many nights I spent crying, with the moon and the stars being the only witnesses, but tonight, the feeling's different. I'm not feeling melancholic or something like that, I'm feeling... hopeful. hopeful that things will get better for me, that someone will fix me.
6:45 AM
I wake up to my alarm, so loud it echoed through the house and back to me. in a matter of instants, I'm fully aware of my surroundings. I may have drifted to sleep and didn't even notice until the annoying ring tone woke me up from my near hibernation state, although I only slept for about five hours. once I remember who I am, my stomach goes crazy at the realization that today's my first day at the new school. suddenly, a wave of anxiety and nervousness hits me like a small boat in the storm. I look at the clock to see if I have some time to freak out - my class starts at 8, it's not even 7 yet.. to be honest, this has been the least bad realization I've had so far. I check my phone to see if anyone has texted me or something, but as expected, not even a single text. I don't even know why I expected someone to wish me good luck with my new school, my old classmates must be celebrating my transfer as much as I am, so I would say it's a mutual relationship based on the disrespect between us. I don't owe them anything, they don't owe me anything (though they should be the ones paying my weekly therapy sessions).
after I decide to get out of my bed and take a shower, the decisive moment comes. what should I even wear? I pretty much wear sweatshirts and jeans, most of them have very neutral colors and make a good job of making me blend with the rest of the people, but for some reason, I choose a colorful sweater and black jogger pants. I don't know, I guess I just want a fresh new start to everything, and there's no better way to do this than starting out with some cheerful colors.
my gradually emotionless personality has pretty much covered up the fact that I love vibrant colors, despite my constant monochromatic clothing choices. when I first got to my old school, I used to constantly wear vibrant colors and I could pretty much be seen from space, and it's safe to say that all the bullying made my true colors drain away from my life, hence why my clothing fits with my emotions. bland and lifeless. I wish I could go back to when I was so thrilled about everything life had to offer, when I could see the world with other eyes, I wish I were a little boy again because honestly, skinned knees are easier to fix than a broken heart.
I go downstairs and towards the kitchen. I grab a mug from the drawer and make my way to the coffee machine. over this summer, I have become quite a caffeine-addicted, so I can't have a good day without my daily cup of coffee. it's not like my mood gets better when I drink it, it gets less grumpy than usual and I think that's a good thing. I get so distracted by the way the milk reacts to the coffee I don't even realize my mother making her way to the kitchen.
"good morning, sleepyhead," she says in a soft tone, as she gives a kiss to my head and goes to the drawer, in order to make herself some coffee as well.
"Morning, mom," I reply
"Are you excited for today?" she asks me.
"Yeah, I'm really looking forward to it" and I answer.
"look, sweetie... um, I know things were really hard for you these past few years and I would be a terrible mother if I just told you to move on and forget about everything. I don't want you to forget, but rather use the pain you felt as a reminder of how strong you actually are. of how far you've actually come, and saying I'm proud of you is an understatement for what I feel. I just want you to be yourself and meet new people. that's the main priority now, according to your therapist. that, and buying you some new clothes." she pauses for a while, smiling before continuing." 'cause apparently, someone is not wearing black for the first time in a long while, and that's a reason for celebration." she says while taking sips to her coffee.
"you don't have to do this, mom," I say as I chuckle.
"I know, but I want to. now, I already told your father I would drop you off at school today, so we better get going if we don't wanna be late," she says as I nod in agreement.
it's 7:30, but the school is only about 15 minutes away from my house, so I'm not that worried about arriving too late on my first day. the drive to the school was very quiet since I was making my breathing exercises to control my anxiety and my mom was focusing on the road, only occasionally cursing some slow drivers, which always makes me laugh. I was told once that lavender essential oil helped with anxiety and insomnia, so my mom bought me this necklace that has a tiny recipient that had lavender oil inside it, so every time I felt like my heart was beating faster than it was supposed to be, I would inhale the scent of the lavender and gradually feel my breathing going back to normal.
when I arrived in the school, I was seriously thinking of throwing myself back in my mom's car and make her drive me back home, but I didn't even have the courage to do it. I was frozen for a few moments before realizing how much of a second chance waited for me inside the building. I took a deep breath and walked into the crowded hallways, making my way to the principal's office, earning a few curious looks along the way. for some reason, the air felt lighter. I felt way more relaxed than I would even think of being at my old school. I finally found his office, where I was given a school map, along with my class periods. he said he'd have one of the students to show me around at lunch, which made me kind of nervous but kind of relieved knowing I wouldn't be completely alone in this new place. all of my periods prior to lunch break went flying, I already knew most of the subjects that were being given to the students. it's not that I'm a nerd or something, it's just that I was so alone that the books were kind of my only companion. sure, I had my parents, my little brother and my therapist, but my parents are working all day long, my brother is only 11 so he only cares about his video-games and I only have two weekly therapy sessions, making me become quite the introvert when it came to social interaction. I'm not shy or anything, I'm just afraid of what people will think about me, so I try to cut the bad by the root and avoid any non-essential social interactions. but at the same time, I miss being part of a friend group, of going to parties and having fun in general. my life is pretty boring so I compensate the fact that I don't have any friends with study sessions and binge watching TV shows.
when the alarm went off, I knew it was the time I dreaded the most: lunch time. where the entire school would sit in the cafeteria and either eat or silently judge others. the situation was pretty much the same as a movie. all of the jocks were together on a table, the theater dorks on other, the popular girls on other, and so on. I didn't know where to sit, so I just kept searching for tables that wouldn't create a uncomfortable and awkward situation for me and other people. I felt a tap on my shoulder, I turned around and saw a blonde girl with hazel eyes. she wasn't tall, but not short either. she was wearing a pastel pink hoodie, jeans with a tear in the knees and white sneakers. she smiled widely at me as I awkwardly smiled back at her, low-key waiting for her to break the silence.
"hey, Noah, right? my name is Madison, but you can just call me Maddie," she said, happily.
"hey! um... did the principal ask you to show me the school?" I said nervously as I stuttered a few times.
"yep", she said. a few moments of awkward silence went by until she decided to break it.
"so, what do you wanna see first?" she asked me as I followed her to the cafeteria's exit. I didn't really know, I was still kind of overwhelmed by the whole 'new school' experience, so I just shrugged my shoulders and followed her as she walked me through the now near-empty hallways. the school was very huge, so I could easily get lost inside it. we were keeping a steady pace through the hallway as I felt myself collide with something - or someone. I feel my palms begin to sweat as I get ready to face whoever I accidentally hit, and when I look at their direction, I see a boy, a little taller than me, with brown hair and piercing green eyes. we both make eye contact for a moment before breaking it.
"i-I'm really sorry, man" I said nervously as I look at the boy with wide eyes. he looked really chill, and lightly chuckled at my exaggerated anxious reaction to what just happened.
"no worries, dude. all good." he said, sounding really calm. I suddenly let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding as I nervously laugh. we both smile to each other and I continue walking next to Madison, who was watching the entire scene.
"okay, so what just happened?" I say as we walk through the hallway, laughing.
"oh, this was Luke Peterson, the school's sun beam. he's the captain of the basketball team and the king of the parties. well, that's what people say. he's kind of that guy who everyone knows about, but at the same time no one seems to actually know him." she said. I just nod as I think of how much worse the situation could have been. what if he was holding some drink or something that could spill over him, what if he took me and shoved me inside a locker - in case you're wondering, yes, it already happened to me.
as the school bell rang, everyone headed to their respective classes and luckily I had the last two periods of the day at the same classroom as Madison, so pretty much all we did was talking through paper notes and getting some glances from the geography teacher. after a while, I asked the teacher to go to the bathroom - not that I was really wanting to go - the class was boring and I already knew the subject like the palm of my hand. I calmly walk into one of the stalls, close the door and just stay there, using my phone and just killing some time. I was peacefully scrolling through my instagram when, suddenly, the main door opened. I jumped and nearly dropped my phone in the process. I sit on the toilet and make sure my legs aren't visible on the small gap between the floor and the door. at first, I hear some quick pacing on the sink area, but then I begin to hear some shaky breaths like someone was hyperventilating. I stay there frozen, but my empathy spoke louder than my shyness and impulsively, I opened the stall door as I felt a rush of adrenaline go through my body. my eyes turned wide and my jaw nearly dropped as I saw Luke Peterson sitting with his back facing the wall, hyperventilating and with his piercing green eyes now red and puffy. he looked as twice as freaked out as I was. still making eye contact, I kneeled down in front of him.
"hey, just breathe, okay?" I quickly say as I frantically search my pockets for my inhaler. I finally find it and show it to him.
"Have you ever used an inhaler?" I ask, as he frantically nods and I hand it to him, not breaking eye contact. he uses it a couple of times and I notice his breathing slowing down, but still shaky. still kneeled down and facing him, I put my hand on his shoulder and begin taking deep breaths in an exaggerated way, giving him a look as if he had to mimic it. he quickly got it and tried to adjust his breathing patterns to match mine. we look at each other for a solid moment before he gives me the inhaler, and I quickly shove it down my pocket.
"do you want me to get you some water?" I say softly, as he looks at me with a tear-stained face. he slowly nods as I stand up, not even once breaking eye contact with him.
"do you wanna go with me or you want to stay here?" I ask. he slowly stands up, I give him my hand to help him get up. when he's fully standing, he breathes deeply, some tears still streaming down his face. I try really hard not to reach my hand to his face and dry them.
"I'll go with you," he answers. his voice is so shaky, a huge contrast to the chilled voice I heard before, and it's safe to say that my heart shattered a little bit listening to it. We walked together to the drinking fountain and waited for him to rehydrate himself. After he's finished, we look at each other for a while, as if we were mutually trying to process what just happened.
"look, I'm really sorry for making you worry that much about me," he says. He pauses for a while after continuing. "and thank you for helping me with... you know..." he drifts off a little and for some reason, I decided to playfully hit his shoulder, making him pretend like it hurt. I laughed, but I would be lying if I said I was worried that it did, in fact, hurt him. It's not that I'm freakishly strong or whatever, it's just that my anxiety makes me think of all kinds of bad situations. we walked through the hallways, making sure no one saw us and made us go back to our respective classrooms. it was a kind of awkward silence between us when he finally began talking.
"so, I didn't even ask your name," he said, looking forward.
"Noah. Noah Clarke. and what's yours?" I answered, obviously pretending I didn't know his name. it would be pretty weird if I told him I knew his name, but after considering that I met him while he was having a mental breakdown, I decided it wouldn't be that weird.
"Luke. Luke Peterson." he said. "what year are you on? I'm a senior."
"I'm a junior... what are you planning to do for college?" I asked him.
"um, I still have no clue... but I don't really like talking about it, or anything related to what I'm doing when school ends, because I honestly don't know," he says, forcing out a laugh.
"oh, that's okay. everybody has their own time. I'm sorry for asking. I didn't know you'd get uncomfortable." I say. I know the frequency I apologize to people for little things is absurd. but hey, I'd rather be very polite and always apologize than being a douchebag and never apologizing to anyone. growing up insecure kind of made me say the words 'I'm sorry' every three sentences.
"no, that's okay," he says as I nod.
"do you have these a lot?" I ask.
"these what?" he says, kind of oblivious.
"panic attacks..." I say, really low, kind of hoping he wouldn't listen.
"oh", he sighs. "not really," he says. at first, I believe him and just nod, but after I hear the tone he said it echoing through my mind, I could tell he was lying. call me a psychic or whatever, but I can perfectly tell when people are lying - mostly due to my childhood. and I was certain that he was lying. I decide to not pressure him and just continue to have a normal conversation until I check my phone. it's been nearly 30 minutes since I left for the bathroom.
"I'm sorry, it was a really nice conversation and all, but I should head back to class. I can't get in trouble on my first week." I say, in a hurry.
"oh, um... that's okay... see you around then," Luke said as I walked towards my classroom. for some crazy reason, my instincts told me to look back at him but I held myself and kept walking. I don't know, probably my subconscious was still worried about him, since he was practically freaking out less than twenty minutes prior, that must be it. when I got into my classroom, the teacher was not in there so I got there pretty easily and settled at my desk. I could feel time flying as the events of today repeated in my head, over and over again. was helping him the right choice? why am I even asking that? of course, it was. what if he thought I was weird for trying to help someone I didn't even know? at least he was too busy freaking out to try and drown me with my head in the toilet. I felt kind of bad for him. he looked so small, weak, and scared. just like me when I was little. when I first had a panic attack, I thought I was dying. I was shaking, sweating cold and my teacher was trying to call me down as all of my classmates were looking at me like I was crazy.