after class was over, I made my way to the exit while hearing Madison talking about her love for tie-dye, and how she would love to make a living out of it. I mean, as much as the idea of making a living out of tie-dye was crazy and far-fetched, the way she talked about all the different methods of doing it was like her eyes shined. I love hearing people talk about things they enjoy, their smiles are so genuine and wide it makes my heart melt. I see my dad's car and say bye to Madison as I make my way to his car. he greets me as I put on my seat belt.
"Hey, champ," my dad says.
"Hey, Noah." my younger brother says while viciously playing on his iPad.
"hey dad, hey Carlos." I greet them.
"How was your first day at your new school?" my father asked.
"good. I actually made a friend, her name is Madison and she loves all things tie-dye. I also have math class with a girl who seems really nice. I didn't catch her name, though." I answer.
he seems glad to hear that my first day wasn't as much of a mess as he thought it would be. I was also glad that for once, things were seeming to start to get better, the air even felt lighter as my dad drove us home.
the moment I got home, all I did was go to my bedroom and lay on the bed, surely losing my consciousness in the process.
~
"mom, why do my friends call me a fairy?" I asked, confused. it's not like I had wings or anything like it. why would they call me fairy if I didn't fly or have wings?
"it doesn't matter, they are not your friends. if they were your true friends, they wouldn't be calling you like that" my mom replied to me, in a frustrated tone.
as soon as she finished the sentence, she took her phone and began dialing some numbers. when whoever was in the line picked up, she angrily asked to talk to Principal Robert. she complained about people being mean to me and saying words like "intolerance" and things like "his sexual orientation is none of their business". the next day, I went to school and in the hallway next to the stairs, I saw Ray, a boy that always teased me whenever he was near me.
"Why did you tell the principal, queer?" he asked me, sounding really mad. queer. another word needed to learn the meaning.
"I don't know what you're talking about" I nervously said as I walked faster.
"you don't know? are you sure about that?" he said, walking closer to me as I nodded and at that point, I was practically running from him, but he soon was able to catch up and giving me a good kick in the leg with all his strength.
I didn't fall at first, but I tripped and went down a flight of stairs while Ray laughed at me. he mumbled something and left while I was on the floor, with a broken nose and sobbing like a baby. needless to say, my mom nearly pressed charges against Ray's family, but the principal stopped her from taking the action any further. we were in fifth grade at the time. things only got worse as time went by and to be honest, I was getting kinda used to be the school's walking punch bag. when they weren't pushing me, putting the feet in front of me so I could trip over and fall, or throwing bad food at me, they would be spreading all sorts of rumors and making up lies so I could be screwed up. I almost had a zero grade on my chemistry test because a boy told the teacher I was cheating, and since my reputation wasn't the best, she believed in him. I had to prove in every way I could to show her I wasn't cheating. the boy got into trouble for lying to the teacher and a friend of his shoved me inside a locker and locked me there for an entire period. they pretty much tried to make every aspect of my life miserable, and they were very effective in doing so.
~
I woke up shaking from the nightmare, but the smell of food being prepared instantly distracted me. it was almost 8 and my mom was cooking some Asian food.
"Hey, mom" I greeted her as she turned around, smiling.
"Hey baby, how was your at the new school?"
"not as bad as I thought it'd be," I say as her expression changes.
"I'm just kidding. it was good, I made a new friend, her name is Madison. she loves tie-dye and all, she's a good person." I explained as my mom smiles once again. she nods and gets back to her cooking.
we ate dinner normally, except my parents and brother were bombarding me with questions about the new school. I answered all of them honestly, and it kind of felt like paradise when I didn't have to lie about bruises or say that the day was good.
I've never fallen from quite this high
Falling into your ocean eyes
Those ocean eyes
have you ever met someone and something about them lit a spark in your heart? well, it did happen to me. his eyes as deep as the ocean gave me a sense of peace and mystery, gave me shelter and an adventure, trying to figure out what's behind his captivating gaze. I would be lying if I said they weren't hypnotizing and enigmatic. there I was, staring at the ceiling at almost midnight, thinking of today's events as they replayed in my mind, but most specifically the episode with Luke. do I have a crush on him? of course not, he just happened to be the first jock that was actually nice to me, so that was it, right? although something about his eyes made me have chills down my spine every time I thought back of the way he glanced at me as he could pierce through my soul. it was weird but calming at the same time. I just hope he's okay now, that panic attack was surely intense, even for me. I hope I see him again tomorrow, and that we talk again. it was nice having his company even though we only 'hung out' over the course of twenty minutes.
TUESDAY
for the first time in a long time, I was able to have a good night's sleep. but the time I was up wasn't spent thinking of my past, but thinking of a certain person. Luke Peterson. why was I so fixated on what happened? was I happy for helping him out somehow? was I had a crush on him? we can scratch out the last alternative by now. I'm not gay or bi, but I do admit that sometimes I look at some boys in other eyes. this whole sexuality thing is pretty new to me so I'm still struggling. I don't like labels and all, so I don't really know what I am. maybe I'm just lonely and he was nice to me? Madison was nice to me too but I'm not thinking of her as much as I am thinking about Luke. is that a sign? but even if I liked him, he's straight as a pencil. I mean, I don't have to know him to know that, and all the times I've seen him were when he was in a friendly and fragile state, but still. why would he like me out of all people in school? what if he's just as confused as I am too? I mean, who doesn't risk doesn't win. but the risk is just too much for my insecure self. I don't know.
I woke up, not feeling a disaster myself but my stomach did some dancing when I realized I would see Luke again. maybe this time around we could have an actual conversation about anything really. I just showered, put on my usual clothes, drank my coffee, and headed to school. when I got there, I immediately saw Madison and a girl, presumably a friend of hers.
"Hey, Noah!" Madison said with a smile.
"Hey, Maddie. how can you be in such a good mood at this time of the day?" I answered, half sarcastic and half laughing.
she chuckled and introduced me to Buffy, her friend. she's kind of introverted but she's a really sweet girl, I hope she comes out of her shell and starts to become more like herself around me. it's not that people are always like themselves around me, it's just that I'm so used to people being fake to me that I don't even care anymore. call me dramatic or whatever, but I know what I've been through.
I was totally in the clouds during class, and the next thing I know we're walking by the hallways during lunch. I'm kind of always-on autopilot mode since my mind is always somewhere else, and I think it's one of my biggest flaws. I'm just too much of a dreamer - or an overthinker, whatever you'd like to call it - and I stop focusing on what I should really focus on, like school, getting my life back on track, and the unrealistically attractive boy walking to my direction. it was Luke, but unfortunately, he wasn't alone. he was with his basketball teammates - judging by the basketball ball that one of them was holding. I look at him and smile, kind of wanting to hide but I don't really feel uncomfortable around him. he smiles back but in a rather "hidden" manner. I shrug it off since he was right next to his teammates. I don't know if his friends know that he has panic attacks, they might have a truly superficial friendship - like the ones where both people don't really tell anything to each other due to a certain lack of trust. I just wish I had a chance to talk to him again, I need my daily serotonin dose... just kidding, I'm not really having a crush on him or whatever, it's just that he seems like a nice person whom I'd totally be friends with - something I never felt with any one of my old school. Anyway, I turn on autopilot and keep overthinking until I realize I just went through a whole school day. Madison said we should go to a vintage diner she always goes to, and I quickly agree. I love going out, although not having many friends to hang out with. I didn't have friends at all until she showed up. I know, we know each other for just two days, but I'm already feeling connected to her like I've known her for ages.
she already got her driver's license so she just gets me at my house and drives us there. we arrive at the diner. the outside had plenty of windows, neon signs everywhere, and a mix of old bricks and planters around the facade. we walk in and it's like we were inside some sort of 1950's movie. the floors had a chess pattern, the walls filled with vinyl CDs and album covers, some booths, regular tables, and a bar section. the lighting was only really focused on the tables themselves, making the ambiance kind of dark and the whole dining hall was pretty much illuminated by indirect light sources, although there was a globe on the roof, which we all thought was a nice touch, along with the retro music that played. me, Madison, and buffy ordered milkshakes, and while they were being made we just talked about random stuff. gossip, new school activities, signing up for the musical, and whatever came into our minds. I ordered a strawberry milkshake, and I loved that when I took a sip from it, I felt a sweet taste at first, but felt my mouth go low-key sour after I swallowed it, which for me is literally what makes a strawberry so unique from other fruits.
we were just talking about life and all in the diner when the door opens. out of habit, I look to see who it was. and yes, it was Luke. his hair was messy and his eyes were glassy. he had wide eyes and didn't even look at anyone in specific, he just sat down on some random cabin. he looked confused. I looked at the whole action and decided to go there after a while, even though my instincts were telling me to not go there. my anxiety was on the roof at this point, but I took a leap of faith and went talking to him, receiving really confused glances from Buffy and Madison.
"Hey, is this seat taken?" I said, nervously but trying to act cool or whatever I was thinking.
"oh, hey, yeah- I mean, no, you can sit," he said as if I interrupted him from some hypnosis state he was in.
"so, how are you?" I asked, after a few moments of awkwardness and deafening silence.
"I'm... just going with the flow, I guess," he said, making eye contact, as my body had all kinds of chills. His eyes, mysterious and piercing, so full of life but yet so empty at the same time. every time we made looked at each other I felt my heart beating faster. It wasn't a bad feeling, it was a kind of thrilling one.
"oh, is everything okay?" I asked, kind of worried for the poor guy. the fact that he didn't laugh and pretend that everything was good (as he would probably have done if it was someone else asking) made me feel kind of... important I guess? he had so many people knowing who he was, but unfortunately, he had very few friends, according to Maddie. few people actually got to know what emotions hide behind his green eyes, making it all even more mysterious and somehow exclusive.
"I'm sorry, but I don't think you would understand," he said. my desire for being there for him, and for discovering what hid behind those ocean eyes, was so big I didn't even mind not understanding.
"I mean, it wouldn't hurt if you at least try," I say, with a smirk on my face. he looks away for a second before smiling a bit.
"you're unbelievable, Clarke." he says, before taking a pause. "okay, here it goes," he said in a sarcastic tone. his smiles fade away when he starts talking.
"it's just that... my parents put a lot of pressure on me since I'm like... the basketball team captain, I have a high GPA to maintain, and also... college stuff. my parents want me to work on something related to sports or economy, but I honestly don't know what to do. I don't really like change at all, and above all of this, my parents are contemplating getting a divorce... so that's kind of freaking me out daily. that's why I have the-"
"panic attacks?"
"yep," he said as he finished. I looked at him with a massive sense of empathy. God, I wanted to hug him so bad. But instead, I did something I never thought I'd have the courage to.
"can I borrow your phone real quick?" I said. he looked confused for an instant, but he unlocked it and gave it to me. I began typing my number and saved it as "Noah Clarke".
"if you need anything at all, you can always text me at any time, okay? I know we don't really know each other but who knows, maybe we can be some good friends someday." I said as he smiled and nodded. I honestly don't know how I became so confident overnight. I guess talking to him was just easier. he has his charm and a way that made people around him feel comfortable, it's hard to explain, but he transmits really cool and calming energy. although, saying 'good friends' have caused a wave of melancholy to wash over me, but also gave a shock of reality.
"anyways, I'm going back to my table, if you want to hang out with us, you're always welcome," I say, smiling. he smiles back and says he's waiting for his friends. I just nod in response and walk back to my table. both buffy and Maddie were kinda shocked that I was talking to the school's most popular boy like I was talking to a totally not relevant person. I guess people saw him as a perfect and unreachable person, and I just happened to see part of myself in him. it was so much easier to talk to him since I could relate a lot to him, so the energy of the conversation flowed better than most people.
once again, here I am looking at the stars. it's crazy to think that the nitrogen in our DNA, the calcium in our teeth, the iron in our blood, the carbon in our apple pies were made in the interiors of collapsing stars. We are made of starstuff. and what are the odds of two people being made from the same star? pretty high if you think about it. and what are the odds of knowing someone that was made from the same star as you? pretty low. I don't think soulmates are real, I know they are. but what if your soulmate hasn't even born yet? or died so long ago that you'll never know they actually existed? what if the person you hate the most ends up being your soulmate in the end? life has so many possibilities, it's crazy... and this crazy stuff ends up turning into something people just shrug it off and ignore. like, pretty much everywhere we stand, it's safe to say that a prehistoric creature also stood there, millions of years ago. we're currently on the only planet of the entire solar system that's able to sustain life. it's crazy how a giant sphere floating in space had the exact conditions to hold life in it. we're rare but insignificant at the same time when compared to the greatness of the universe.
I was staring at the ceiling - the same old ceiling that I stared at on my worst days, at a point where I memorized every imperfection - when I heard my phone vibrating. I went to check it to see who texted me, and it was him. Luke. he texted me so I could his number since I only gave mine and he didn't give his.
Unknown Number
hey! Luke here. just wanted to make sure you had my number 😉
my heart raced a little but I quickly shrugged it off. I got my mind on track and almost instantly responded to his text.
hey luke, thank god you said it was you
I was about to report and block the unknown number
lmao why though? 😳
I'm kinda paranoid I guess?
with trolls and all.
oh, lol.
Anyway, I'm really sleepy right now
talk to you tomorrow?
yep. goodnight, Clarke
are we using last names now? lol
goodnight then, Peterson.
Noah plugged the phone in the charger and sighed deeply, once again staring at the ceiling, a million thoughts running through his head. it's official, he's very confused.