"Okay, roll call time. Just say 'here' when you hear your name. Standard procedure. You know how it goes by now." I overheard a teacher taking attendance as I approached the classroom. She went down the list of names as I walked down the hallway.
"Reon."
...
"Kisaragi Reon."
I reached the end of the hall and pulled the rusting slide door to the side. "Here."
"Pretty ballsy to barely make attendance in your first day."
A gyaru?
"Pretty ballsy to teach a class in that outfit."
A few quiet whispers surfaced among the rows of students.
"Pretty ballsy to insult my fashion sense. I'm royalty, you know. I could have you jailed for that remark if I wanted to."
"Your nobility doesn't mean anything to me," I said, walking past the teacher's desk and into the seats. "And I didn't insult your outfit. It's just unbefitting of a teacher. Personally, I think it looks really good on you."
I received a look of excitement and curiosity. Ms. Gyaru chuckled.
"Are you hitting on me?"
"If that's how you see it. I'm just naturally drawn to teachers."
"Tell me then. Would you go on a date with me given the opportunity?"
"Are you free tomorrow?"
"Are you?"
"I can see you after class if you'd like."
I think I played off the situation pretty well.
"You've got a date." smirked Ms. Gyaru.
The guy next to me asked if I really just scored with Ms. Milano.
"So that's her name."
"You didn't even know her name?"
"Sorry, I just transferred here from overseas. Let's get along well, yeah?"
"S-Sure."
Several hours of instruction passed. I transferred into the class in the middle of a unit, so I didn't have a clue what was going on, but I still took notes since I was told I might need them later.
"So here's what a whirlwind rune looks like," Ms. Milano said as she added her final touches to the strange pattern drawn in chalk. She pointed to the white rune on the blackboard as it began glowing a blinding green. "Remember it well. This one is handy when you're in a pinch." The class was impressed by her work. So was I, but something was wrong. I knew something was wrong with it, but I didn't know why I knew.
I raised my hand. "What is it, Kisaragi? You look like you're half asleep."
"What's your first name?" I asked.
"Cesarina, why?"
"I needed to know what to call you. 'Ms. Milano' is a bit too formal for our dynamic, don't you agree?"
"Couldn't that have waited until after class?"
"I guess it could have." I lazily replied. "Anyway, that rune is incomplete."
"You think? If you can one-up the education I got as royalty, you can call me whatever you want."
"Sure. Real quick, put your head up to the rune."
Cesarina's curly-ended, neck-length, brownish blonde hair fluttered in the gust produced by the rune. "Right now, this rune is no better than a hairdryer on the lowest setting. Let me fill in some of the missing details, and see what happens."
Cesarina handed me the chalk, and my arm began filling the thinnest gaps of the rune's interior with strange symbols. They were indecipherable to me, but my hand wrote like it was on autopilot. I had no clue what changes I was making or how much would actually change, but I knew that it wasn't a mere hairdryer anymore. I advised Cesarina to keep her head clear of the rune.
"You should watch out too, front row."
"Holy shit!" Yelled Cesarina. "What did you do?"
A wind with the force of a tornado flew from the rune towards the students. Chairs flew back and hit the wall with students in them, but nobody was injured.
"Take a look," I said arrogantly. Truthfully, I had no clue what I did nor did I know that was going to happen. I was dodging the question while making myself look good, and maybe a little like a douchebag.
"You wrote this word using letters from the divine lexicon, but I have no idea what any of this means. It looks like you put random characters together and made gibberish. But where did you start to learn the divine tongue?"
"Check again."
Cesarina inspected the writing closer. "Assuming the characters you used to write still have their original meaning, then- Wait, it's not gibberish! I can read this! I'm not sure what it means, but given the definitions of the individual characters, the full word probably says-"
"Acceleration."
"A divine word of power I hadn't known? I thought I learned everything about the divine tongue that hasn't been lost to time. Where were you taught? Actually, never mind that! How did you write a word of power into a rune? Magic and the divine tongue are incompatible!"
"Who do you think gave us magic?"
"Nobody. The natural energy we gather from the world enables the use of magic."
"Where did the world come from?"
I elaborated after I could tell just by looking at Cesarina's that she connected the dots. "The world and the divine tongue were both gifts bestowed upon mortals by heaven. They're not incompatible. You just don't know enough about the divine tongue."
"I know everything there is to know about it."
"With the utmost respect, you clearly don't- but there are some things that I'm certain you do. If it's alright with you, I'd like to pick your brain for a bit after class."
Cesarina looked like she was done with everything and everyone. Like she became too exhausted to deal with anything for a while. An absolute mental clock out. "...Sure."
I returned to my row, flipped my chair back over, and sat down. I spent the rest of class wondering why I knew the rune was incomplete, why I knew words of power in the divine tongue, and why I made such a display of it. Not only did I make myself look like the most arrogant douchebag to ever tip less than fifteen percent, I got carried away and hit on a teacher. Though I considered turning my relationship with Cesarina back around, I kept it going in the direction it was heading. Changing my mind after so proudly acting the way I did would not only be disrespectful but also even more disingenuous than this whole situation was already.
I received strange glares from other students until the final bell rang. After my "demonstration", everyone else expected me to continue showing off, but I didn't say another word for the rest of the day. Cesarina taught uninterrupted for the rest of class, but a few of the things she taught were incorrect, and important information for many things wasn't mentioned. I had no idea why, nor did I know why I knew, but I did. I still kept my mouth shut.
Most people in class were confused or disappointed that I didn't continue. Perhaps to them, I was showing Cesarina up or sticking it to the teacher and that entertained them, but it was just a one-time thing. I realized that for whatever reason I knew her rune was incomplete, and I had the urge to fix it. It was unnecessary, and Cesarina was teaching to the best of her knowledge and ability. It was never my intention to try and embarrass someone working earnestly, so I didn't further interrupt her. Strangely enough, there was one guy in class who was emotionless from the first time I saw him when I entered the classroom. He didn't react to my earlier actions at all. There was something about him that I found respectable. It was probably because he reminded me of how I used to be before I got involved with other people. I wasn't staring at him all day, but he held a poker face until he left the classroom when the bell rang. So I also put on my poker face until everyone else left the classroom.
None but two remained. I apologized to Cesarina. "Sorry about earlier. I wasn't trying to be rude or embarrass you or anything."
"Don't worry about it. I made a mistake and you fixed it. You weren't that pretentious about it. Actually, you did make me pretty mad with the way you told me I didn't know enough about the divine tongue, but I won't get upset at you for being right. You taught me a few things even a royal education couldn't."
I felt relieved at her statement, however, I became concerned again when she walked over to the door and locked it.
Cesarina marched into my personal space and wrapped her arm around my back. "It's just you and me. Now's your chance to prove you were serious about what you said earlier."
"We barely know each other and you're awfully close. Will anyone do for you?"
"I skipped straight to this because you've got me so interested. Besides, I'm not the only one who skipped a few stages in this relationship. Hitting on me seconds after meeting me, asking for my first name so you know what to call me. Isn't this what you wanted?"
Indeed, and I carried myself in a manner in which one would easily arrive at the same conclusion, but I didn't think this far ahead. In fact, I didn't imagine that I would even get this far, so I was thinking about my approach to the situation on the fly. Not planning ahead was careless of me and how I quickly lost pace in our conversation reflected that. I began trying to come up with anything at all that matched the flow of the conversation and would keep the conversation going, like when you're not certain that a puzzle piece will fit, but you're pretty sure it will and you don't have any other ideas anyway so you just try it.
"Wouldn't it be bad if people found out?"
"Teacher and student relationships are certainly taboo, but there are no laws against them in Kilead. The school doesn't have any rules about that either. We could get married if we wanted to. It's not like you were secretive about it in the first place."
"It's a bit too soon to go all the way. That's typically the thing you wait until you get to know someone to do. What do you like about me anyway? A lot of people would think I'm an asshole or a creep."
"Let's see. You walked in here clearly not caring about the class, nor that I'm your teacher. You disregarded social dynamics and gave me lip even though I'm your teacher, then told me you didn't care that I'm royalty. You didn't hesitate to turn a compliment into a pass at me despite how it might make me and others think of you. There's also the thing with the rune. Never in my life have I met someone so carefree who cares so little about social standing. You're exactly the type of person I've been waiting for."
I think I understood her. "I'm not of nobility or royalty, but I'm guessing your royal status doesn't mean anything to you. Royals are usually arrogant because of their status and think their silver spoon puts them above others, so you probably think the people you're always surrounded by are shallow or even fake. The people you're socially obligated to be around see each other as ranks on a ladder instead of seeing each other for who they are. Am I correct?"
"You perfectly described my life. That's scary. I isolated myself from other people, even the people I was forced into meeting because no one could look over my status. I had to distance myself from all of that because I began to feel like I was becoming 'The Pope's daughter', not 'Cesarina Milano'. Being alone all the time isn't healthy, but I'd feel even more alone if I knew the people around me didn't care about me as an individual. I guess my rush into things with you is because you're the only one who's ever been interested in Cesarina Milano, not the Pope's daughter. I don't want to lose what I'll never see again in my life."
After hearing her out, I fully understood. I took half a step back and loosely hugged her. "You don't want a partner. You want a friend."
"Well, how about that. You're not just the type of person I've been waiting for. You are the person I've been waiting for."
"I know that I said I'd go on a date with you if I could, but let's start as friends. A friend will help you more than a partner right now."
"You could be both."
"We'll cross that bridge if we get there."
"Isn't it 'when we get there'?"
"I meant 'if'. 'When' is a guarantee."
Cesarina's temper was dampened. "You have plans to abandon me for some other girl?"
"I didn't say that. I don't doubt that however you feel is genuine, but you said you rushed into things because you didn't want to lose what you would never see again in your life. I'm not going anywhere for a while, so think about what you really want."
"For a while? You are going to abandon me." I was making things worse.
"If I go somewhere else, I'm not abandoning you. I might not be with you in person, but I can still be with you in your heart and in your memories."
"You suck at rejecting girls. You're making me want you more. You friendzone girls like it's opposite day."
I already knew that, but you didn't have to say it out loud! I already have enough guilt about it!
"I wasn't rejecting you, and being put in the friend zone is never set in stone."
And I wasn't helping my case!
"You're not helping your case," She monotonously remarked.
Get out of my head!
"But I get it. I won't expect anything more than a friend from you, but feel free to change your mind. I don't need to think about it. I've already decided. You had me at 'Your nobility doesn't mean anything to me'. I don't know if you really wanted me to become attached to you, but it's too late."
"Do what you want," I said, a little overwhelmed. "But you better not regret it."
"You know, I fell for you pretty damn fast now that I think about it. Like, unusually fast. It makes sense that I developed feelings that quickly, but I bet this happens all the time with other girls. That's why it seems strange to me."
Don't make me think about it!
"It's not intentional! It just happens most of the time!"
"I guess I was spot on... Wait. Did you say 'most of the time'?"
"As you said, I don't always help my case."
"Well, it doesn't matter how much competition there is. I'm confident that I'll be your favorite in no time."
"You're still persistent despite my efforts."
"I'll expect you to be my friend and nothing else, but that doesn't mean I'll give up. I still want to be with you and will do everything I can to make it happen, so be prepared."
It's impossible to be prepared for that. I've been through this before. It'll never be enough to prepare me no matter how many times it happens.
"I'll prepare as much as I can. For now, you can rely on me. I'll listen to you if you want someone to talk to. You can cry on my shoulder. If you need me, say my name and I'll be there. If you can't face tomorrow alone, we'll face it together. Friends are at least good for that."
"You better keep your word." Smiling and with tears in her eyes, Cesarina declared she would hold me accountable. "If you don't, I might not trust anyone again."
I strengthened my resolve and assured her. "I know that pain far too well. I'll never make you experience that."
"I know. I just wanted to hear you say it."
"Do you feel better hearing it?"
"I do...You know, you're already treating me like a girlfriend. You speak to me like I'm your girlfriend too."
"Don't remind me. Just enjoy it."
"I do. More than you can imagine."
"So much that it's unimaginable? We just met today."
"Does it matter? I told you that I already decided."
"Do what you want."
"Can I kiss you then?"
"Friends don't casually kiss."
"Certain types of friends do."
"This one doesn't."
"At least give me a hug. Close friends hug."
"Like I said, we met today. But we skipped a lot of steps in our friendship, so fine."
I wrapped my arms around her again.
"It's a shame you won't give in and just date me. You're already acting like you're in love with me. Let me reciprocate."
Cesarina pecked me on the cheek.
"Don't do that. It reminds me of my mother."
"I could both be your girlfriend and dote on you like a mother if that's what you want. Think of it as getting two in one."
"That's a no from me."
"Come on. Imagine dating someone you see as both a woman and a mother figure. Wouldn't that be convenient? You get both kinds of womanly love."
"Stop! Stop! Don't talk! I really don't want to think about that! Your logic is so incredibly incorrect that I have no idea what could have birthed that thought process."
I hadn't seen either of my parents since I was very young, so I didn't have my mother around during the later years of my adolescence. Even so, I wasn't interested in developing an Oedipus complex.
"Hugging you does give me a sense of security and warmth, but I will never think of you as a mother figure."
"I was just putting it out there. I'm not that old, but I could pass as a mother. You like older women, don't you? Isn't that why you prefer teachers?"
"I don't know."
I told her outright that I'm drawn to teachers, but I certainly wasn't going to admit that I like older women.
"I'm actually thankful that you're okay with older women. I don't know what I would do if you weren't."
"I'd still be your friend regardless of how old you are. Girls in general and especially ones older than me have always been easier for me to talk to."
"Then I'm exactly your type. Why don't you want to date me?"
"It's best to take it slow with someone who's important to you. I don't want to ruin our relationship from the start." I said, not helping my case. Again.
Cesarina hugged me tighter. "I love you even if you don't love me. I truly love you even though we met today."
Warm energy entered my body as her arms were wrapped around me. It was more active than mine and vibrated so fast it was difficult to notice. Her energy was pulsing as I absorbed it, beating like a heart.
"I feel it."
"Feel what?"
"Your love. Because of this energy, I can feel that your love is as true as it can be."
"I'm happy."
I was confused and worried by what I felt. I didn't know how to react. I was unsure what it meant when my body instinctively accepted her energy. Was I lying to myself by not returning her love, even though there was no way I could?
"I don't know what-"
"It's okay," she assured me. "You don't have to love me back. Just feeling my love is enough."
She made me realize that I was a fool. Every time a girl expressed her feelings, I would dodge confrontation, push the situation aside for later, or play along, lying about my true feelings. I thought that running away was the best thing to do because I didn't know how I felt. In reality, I already knew how I felt about all of them. I ran because I was afraid of the consequences of accepting and rejecting their feelings. What I thought was probably in everyone's best interest was actually me acting in selfishness and betraying those who care for me the most.
"I'm sorry," I said. I felt ashamed, and my voice made it clear.
"For what?"
I unhooked my arms from around her. "I'm a liar. I'm not who you think I am."
"Then who are you?"
"Kisaragi Reon is a fake name. My actual name is Inotani Takuya, and I have a girlfriend."
Cesarina briefly opened her eyes in shock. "So you're the one they told me about."
I was bearing all the weight of my guilt, so I didn't think to question what she meant by that right away.
"I'm sorry... I'm sorry for making you fall in love with someone who doesn't exist. I'm sorry for disrespecting you and hurting you."
"Is that it?"
"What?"
"Other than your name, is everything else you've said true? Is it true that you don't care about my social status and you see me for me? Is it true that you'll be my friend?"
"I truly meant those things when I said them, but I don't expect you to want such things from someone like-"
"Then nothing has changed."
My immense confusion was beyond words.
"It doesn't matter what your name is. I don't love you because you're Kisaragi Reon, or Inotani Takuya, or whatever you call yourself. I love you because you're you."
I was more shocked than she initially was. I expected to be insulted, despised, attacked, and abandoned, all of which I deserved. Instead, she told me that she still loved me for who I am.
"Aren't you upset that I didn't tell you I had a girlfriend?"
"Didn't I tell you? It doesn't matter how much competition I have. I'll become your favorite in no time."
"No, that's not all. I love my girlfriend more than anything, but I keep betraying and hurting her, and every other girl I know. You were right. This does happen a lot. Every time a girl shared her feelings for me, I would just go along with it or avoid talking about it because I was afraid of the consequences of sharing my real feelings. That's not even the extent of it. I even agreed to get engaged to a girl because it was the easiest way to get out of a situation. I've also kissed other girls that aren't my girlfriend when it was convenient or when I had no other choice. I used, manipulated, lied to, led on, betrayed, and hurt girls who told me they have feelings for me because I was selfish. I don't deserve my girlfriend, you, or any of them."
"Why did you do those things?"
"What?"
"What were your reasons? Every situation has circumstances and context."
"I agreed to get engaged to a girl because she had a gun pointed at me and it was the only way she would withdraw her subordinates that took over our academy. I promised to go on a date with a woman so she wouldn't kill my girlfriend, and then that woman kissed me. I also took advantage of my girlfriend's feelings to calm her down so she wouldn't kill that woman who was trying to kill her. The chairwoman of our school shared her feelings for me while I was helping her work on suppressing her sadistic habits and I told her to make sure they're real before making moves on me instead of rejecting her. Another woman forcefully kissed me and gave me all of her life force after I lost my temper, so I had to kiss her to give it back."
"Is that everything?"
"Probably not. I might be forgetting some things."
"I see. Well, I still love you, just so you know."
"Why?"
"Your reasons for each situation are all different, but they all have the same intentions. Don't you see it? You did all of those things to help people, protect people, or save people."
She was mostly right, but it didn't excuse my actions.
"I still used all of them. It can't be justified. I'll never be cleared of my guilt like that."
"You're right, your reasons don't justify your actions, but it proves that you didn't want to treat them that way. Your intentions were good, and you could have always done worse. I believe your conscience was still driving you. As for your guilt, you may never be fully cleared of it, but you won't find out unless you face accountability. Go to them, apologize, and tell them how you feel."
"I'm sorr-"
"No need to apologize to me. You already did, and I still love you, even if I don't have a chance."
That was the deepest cut. Hearing her say that was like a thousand needles impaling my heart at once. I knew Cesarina felt that way because of my deceitful actions, but the needles sank even deeper. Despite everything being an act, I questioned the authenticity of my feelings. What started as a charade began blurring reality. How Kisaragi Reon felt about Cesarina slowly crept over the line separating real and fake. I thought that such a thing was never meant to be so painfully confusing. It was tearing me apart at my seams.
"It's not that. You're different. I don't have any special feelings for the others. I didn't feel their energy or their warmth, even though I'm sure it's there. But you... I felt your energy and your true love, and I... even though I love my girlfriend... I can't help but feel drawn to you. It hurts that I do. I'm so confused.
"Let's take things slow. You said it's best that way, right? I'm okay with starting as friends."
"But my girlfriend..."
"If you pick her, I'm okay with that. If you pick me, I'm okay with that. If you pick both of us, I'm okay with that too, as long as you are and so is she."
Even though I was laying bare my sins and my guilt, I couldn't help but laugh. Not only was that suggestion outlandish to the point that I couldn't even imagine it, Ms. Kamiya would never accept that.
"You think that might work out?"
"Well, polygamy is legal in Kilead, so it could if you convince your girlfriend."
"Sorry, that'll never happen, and I just couldn't be with both of you even if she would be okay with it."
"That's fine. My point was that we can get to know each other more. I love you already, but my intention was never to interfere with your relationship. However, if you choose me, I won't say no. Just be firm in your decision. Again, it's like you said. Do what you want, but you better not regret it. Even if it never comes, I'll wait forever for your decision."
"Thank you, Cesarina. If at any point you decide that you no longer love someone like me or no longer wish to be around me, I will understand and accept that."
"Still trying to get rid of me, are you? Well, it's not happening. I'll be with you your entire life, one way or another."
"Should I be concerned?"
"That's up to you."
"I don't know." I giggled. Truthfully, I didn't. My feelings were uncertain. I can only laugh off so much. My guilt wouldn't be lifted until I owned up to my actions. To do that, I needed a way out of Kilead. The issue was that even with guidance, I was still trying to figure out what the fuck I was doing in Kilead in the first place. Vestia didn't tell me much. All I knew was that I was supposed to follow her plan, but Cesarina called me 'the one they told her about'. Given her royal status, I figured she would be a good source of information and would be able to help me figure out what to do next. I wasn't expecting anything from her regarding that matter, so coming up empty-handed wasn't something I would be upset about. I was just hoping she'd tell me what she knows as a favor. Regardless of how that turned out, my purpose for staying after class was to ask her about magic. I wanted to at least ask her to tutor me on some things.