My sweet sweet family
so many cavities and so many of my physical issues
prevent me from moving past my insomnia.
I want to walk in my bed and rest but when I do,
I just wake up and panic. If you want to know, it went like this:
The ballroom was vivid in colors. Gold, Red, and Fancy dresses.
I stood near the stairs and the lights went out. How could I see?
I can see in the dark but, they look at me and laugh.
Their demented voices mock everything I say and when I turn back, everything is a void.
I continue down the stairs but my eyes close and my heart drops.
I fall into this white liquid.
I can't breathe, sing, scream or cry.
I sit there without emotion.
My body shakes in the night whether I am cold or not.
My body shakes when I cry.
Yet my body can't do the basic human function of crying when I feel sad.
"Oh look at her, she needs to go to a hospital because she's insane!"
"Grab my hand darling, I will care and love you. After that, I'll break your bridge".
"Let me go", I say.
My mind remains numb and turns me into a parasite that feeds on other people until I say something wrong.
I'm quiet for a reason.
It took me years to realize that I'd never forgotten-
It took me years to realize I am not normal-
It took me decades to realize that I am not a princess.
I lived the high life so I could laugh. I lived so I could dance.
I lived because I thought I was fine.
Mirae will never understand what people mean because she's a liar!
Mirae will never understand love because she's a leech!
Mirae only understands how to be a teddy bear.
She will sit there and comfort other people's problems!
She never solves her own problems!
She lies to everyone.
"I'm sorry, I need a break because I've been lying to you all...I don't know when I will be back but I love you all."
She's still lying...
She sleeps at night knowing she won't wake up because I want her to be happy.
She sleeps at night because I don't want her to suffer as I did.
She will grow gray hair, gain weight and continue to call herself happy when she isn't.
She is nothing but a child who has yet to learn what high school is like.
She is a child who doesn't understand how much time it takes to provide yourself with enough energy every day to look someone in the eyes and tell them:
"Pretty good, I did this and that..."
"Hahaha, you're so funny, I love you for that"
The one thing she will never admit is how she can love someone so much, that she'll protect them as best as she can. She won't tell them how they make her laugh, smile, and feel the real emotions she is supposed to. She wants the paint everyone a pretty picture. She wants to show them all how she's innocent but one day, they'll find out what she wished for. The things carved into wood, the wall, and the magic she's gone through.
"Mommy, I know you're gone, but promise me that you'll become a pretty moth so I can still feel your kisses in the morning. Mommy...Mommy... I wonder what would have happened if I chose to go to school...if you'd still be my mommy."
"Mommy talked to me in my sleep. She cradled me the same way she did when I was a baby, sang me a song, and rubbed my cheeks until I fell asleep."
"STOP IT! Don't you DARE- sing that song. Put the candles away. Go home and leave me alone!"
I've asked Mirae what she's wanted every year for her birthday...She doesn't want to tell me so she hides in her room, crying until she sleeps for another 100 years.