Winter break is over and today school starts again on full force, with exams standing at just about a week away. I'm glad that I have put the stuff about my brother to the side though, I really needed to study. I feel like I have gotten too carried away with it and it hurts me to see my dad sad about it. I think he understands it now but, I'm almost certain he's scared of being replaced. I have spent a lot of time talking about it with Josh. He gets it. He's been there. Something like it at least.
"I can't help but think that my dad didn't care about me... I mean he clearly preferred my brother, right?" The words escape my mouth at once, out of nowhere in the middle of lunchtime. Josh quickly looks up at me with a reassuring face.
"You don't know that", he tries to force a smile and holds my gaze like a breeze. Meanwhile, I can feel my eyes pricking and tears willing to start flooding my face.
"I thought you wanted to drop the topic?" asks Alis a little impassively. I have noticed that she's been a little distracted lately, possibly even quieter than usual. I can tell something is bothering her but I don't want to force it out, not with Josh here at least. I nod imperceptibly and stare at my cup of water visioning myself taking a nice refreshing cold shower to help me snap out of it and feel alive. I drink it down feeling quite refreshed and look up to meet Josh still looking at me. His food has barely changed since he first looked up and I wonder why he's just looking at me so much.
"I... I think that..."Josh scratches the back of his neck trying to figure out the right words and lowers his gaze a little," I would feel the same way in your shoes. I want to believe that there's another explanation to it though... Enough with the sad looks now. I am yet to take you to that place near school"
I had forgotten about it in all fairness. Curiousity runs through my head as I try to picture where he was taking me the other day before the call interrupted our trip. At this point I can't help but smile in true happiness, knowing that I can put everything else to the side for a second and think about other things. It's the new year and I really don't want this business clouding my mind, I have spent so long not knowing and I can keep it that way for a little longer still.
"I can't believe we are friends" I say after a moment of relative quietness. It's hard to really get any in this cafeteria because there are so many people talking at once. "To think that I most likely wouldn't be if it wasn't because you eavesdropped me and Alis talking about my brother in the library... It baffles me really..."
"Baffles?"
"I'm not good with new people"
"Honestly..." he takes a long pause and leans closer, dropping his tone to create more tension, "me neither"
I pick my cup back up and ignore the scene he just did trying to ignore the whole situation. I feel like Josh truly gets me and trust a lot despite knowing him for so little time. I am grateful to have him in my life, honestly.
°°°
Afterschool I'm waiting for Alis by the bikes, so we can all go to Josh's secret place. But when she arrives I'm crushed by her looks. Her cheeks are pale but her nose and eyes are quite red. Even her voluminous wavy hair seem to have lost their life. I insistinctivly hug her tight as soon as I see her.
"Hey, hey, I'm okay. Just tired honestly. Thank you for the hug but I'm gonna have to sit this one out. My parents want me home" I can tell she is forcing a smile and trying to higher the pitch of her voice to sound more genuine. I know her red eyes aren't just due to tiredness. I can sense that something is up but I don't argue it, instead I hug her one more time and nod knowingly. I don't want to push her to open up to me if she's not ready, I will strive let her know that in by herside always though. We wave goodbye as me and Josh eventually take off and Alis waits to get picked up.
"Is Alis alright?" he questiones suddenly voicing my thoughts.
"I don't know really, she hasn't said anything. She'll say when she's ready... I think"
He nods in response and carries on talking about a few funny anecdotes of him with his cousins that are practically bothers to him. The walk is filled with laughter and I can see myself making this thing a reaccurring event. When we get to the place I'm met with an expanse of greenery except for a few tall, long, metal tubes staked up opposite a couple tree stumps.
"It's abandoned here I think" says Josh referring to the place in question, "I used to play here in the metal tubes as a kid with my cousins.... See how they are propped on top of one another... We would hide inside and drive my uncles nuts trying to find us, or push them along the hill...."
"It's quiet here, I like that..." I sit on one of the tree stumps and Josh followes me suit.
"That's what I like about it too. When I'm stressed out and need a breather I like to relax in here, sometimes bring a blanket and watch the sunset or relax reading a book laying on the ground. Not many come here these days"
After he's done speaking I take off my jacket and lay on it on the grass, and sit on it crossed legged. I do this to be able to look at the flowers more closely, "these flowers are majestic!" I exclaim in awe, gently caressing the pink and white flowers before me. I like this as a new year start, right now it's just me and nature and that's brings me all the joy I need at the moment.