CHAPTER 48: Karma Is A Bitch
EVANGELYN FORBES
"What happened?" someone asked behind me.
Nang lumingon ako, si Samuel iyon—still half-dressed and obviously just woke up. His hair was messy and he's only wearing his brief. At that moment, he looked hot, I had to admit. But then, I realized na kailangan kong magpanggap na umiiyak. My friend just died, afterall. A truefriend will cry her eyeballs out, right? Kagaya ng ginawa ni Blair. And so that was what I did. I ran towards him. He protectively wrapped his arms around me. Humagulgol ako ng iyak. Fake tears rolled down my cheeks. I was sobbing on his chest. Marahan niyang hinahaplos ang ulo ko at mas lalo pang humigpit ang pagkakayakap sa 'kin. I haven't talked to Samuel ever since I got here. He also knew it would be dangerous if someone caught us being alone together. It's not safe now that Maru was also here. At isa pa, ipinangako ko sa sarili ko na tatapusin ko na ang lahat ng namamagitan sa aming dalawa. But strangely, I couldn't. Hindi ko siya magawang kausapin—hindi dahil sa nandito si Maru o dahil sa hindi puwede, kundi dahil ayaw ko. I just didn't want to end it. Not yet. Maybe I'm crazy to think that I can just keep two guys at the same time. That's selfish. Again, when had I been selfless? Maybe Eyrene was right. I'm a selfish bitch.
"S-Samuel..." I cried even more. I made sure that my shoulders shook obviously as I sobbed on his chest. I wanted him to know that Eyrene's death broke me, that I wasn't just some shallow bitch, that I have a tender heart inside me. Of course, mayamaya niya pa malalaman na patay na si Eyrene. Or so I hoped she was. I silently prayed that her downfall itself was enough to kill her.
"Evangelyn, what happened?" he asked, barely a whisper. "Tell me."
I shook my head in response. "E-Eyrene... she's..." I said, stuttering. "Sh-she's gone..."
"What do you mean she's gone?" muli niyang tanong.
I rolled my eyes at that question. Samuel can sometimes be dumb. But instead of replying something sarcastic, I made my voice tremble as I speak the words. "Sh-she's dead, Sam... d-dead," I said and pointed outside the broken window. Napunta ang tingin niya roon at muling bumalik sa akin ang tingin. He believes me. That's good. I need at least one person to believe me. I mean, I didn't technically kill Eyrene. She fucking killed herself so that I was to be one to blame. Her death was for nothing. Gusto kong matawa. She jumped out of that window for nothing. Eyrene brought that to herself. Heck, she was about to choke me to death just a while ago. I didn't even touch her.
Samuel walked past me slowly towards the broken window. Humalukipkip ako habang pinanonood siyang dumungaw sa bintana. I heard the sound of broken glass against his feet. I couldn't help but smile. Come to think of it, Eyrene's death will bring me more advantage than disadvantage. What a fucking dumb bitch. If Samuel will believe me that I didn't kill Eyrene, which I'm pretty sure he will, all I have to do next is find someone to blame. A perfect crime. Clean slate for me—my secret died with Eyrene. No one will know about it but me. I silently hoped that I got to thank Eyrene before she died. That would have been more satisfying. I almost got bored as Samuel looked over the window for a few minutes. Then I heard a voice coming from outside my room. Boses iyon ni Maru. Pumihit ako paharap at patakbong lumabas ng kuwarto. "M-Maru..." I said as I stood on my doorway. And there he was, standing a few feet away from me.
"Evangelyn," paanas na sabi niya. "Ano'ng nangyari sa kamay mo?"
Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. I almost forgot the blood stains on my hands. Mabilis akong nag-isip ng perfect excuse para malusutan 'to. I dropped to my knees—the perfect touch for my dramatic scene. I buried my face in the palms of my hands and started sobbing once again. I heard his footsteps coming towards me. Niyakap niya ako.
"Shh, everything's going to be okay," he said. "Everything's going to be okay, Evangelyn."
Yeah, everything's going to be okay for me. Now, who should I blame?
*****
After the commotion, I left the building and headed towards the small river, kung saan kami nagsasalok ng maiinom na tubig. I felt the faint spray of the river against my skin. Mas sumiksik pa ako sa blanket na nakapatong sa balikat ko. Maru gave this to me earlier. He's that sweet. And yes, I still do have conscience. I still think about what I did to him. Technically, I'm still cheating on him. Dahil hindi ko pa naman tinatapos ang kung ano'ng meron sa 'min ni Samuel. I know I have to end it at some point. Pero bakit hindi ko magawa?
The ruffling of dried leaves brought me back to my senses. I turned my head just to see Samuel standing a few steps away from me. May halong pag-aalala at sakit ang nakabahid sa kanyang mukha. Nakaramdam ako nang kaunting awa sa kanya. I know I'm also hurting him by prolonging our relationship—if you can call it a relationship. But I knew in myself that it was more than that.
As I looked into his eyes, I told myself this has to end now. Mahal ko si Maru at hindi ko makakayang malaman niya na I cheated on him with one of his teammates. He would never forgive me.
Tumikhim ako bago nagsalita. "Samuel, we need to talk," I said, my voice barely a whisper. May tamang salita ba para hindi ko siya masaktan sa prosesong ito? Nakasuot na siya ng sando at shorts. Matangkad siya kagaya nila Maru, a bit taller than him to be exact. Samuel is nice, a gentleman and he's so sweet to me even though I was bitchy to him sometimes. Hindi naman ako tanga para hindi ko malamang may gusto siya sa 'kin. And I got too scared when I realized that maybe he'd fallen for me. I know it's too narcissistic to say but that's what I thought. At natakot ako sa ideyang iyon. That would only worsen the situation I am currently in.
"Okay ka lang ba? Did she hurt you? How are you feeling?" he started walking towards me. "I've missed you, Evangelyn. Bakit mo ako iniiwasan?"
He gently touched my arms and pulled me into him. Hinayaan ko ang sarili kong pumaloob sa mainit niyang yakap. I tried to squirm but he wouldn't budge. "Let me hug you for a few minutes. Na-miss ko kaya ang yakap mo. Hindi mo ba ako na-miss?"
Pinigilan ko ang sarili kong umiyak. Sa hindi ko malamang dahilan, biglang nag-init ang gilid ng mga mata ko. Am I about to fucking cry? O natatakot lang akong aminin na na-miss ko rin siya? Is it that hard to admit?
I bit my lower lip and pushed him away from me but he's too strong. "Please, Evangelyn. Just one more minute then I'll let you go."
Samuel is too nice for me. Masyado siyang mabait para sa 'kin. He's a boyfriend material. I don't deserve him. I'm too messy to be with.
"One minute is up," sabi ko. Tuluyan na siyang bumitim at malungkot na ngumiti sa 'kin. He gently pinched my chin, like he usually does even when I already told him that I hate it when he does that. "Sam, I-I have to tell you something."
Nawala ang ngiti sa kanyang mga labi nang sabihin ko 'yon. "Do you want me to stay away from you for a while? Nagtataka na ba si Maru? Naiintindihan kita—"
"We need to put an end to this," madiin ang boses na sabi ko. I averted my eyes from him.
"To what,, Evangelyn?" he asked.
"To this. Itong relasyong meron tayo. I'm sorry, Sam but I love Maru."
Nang muli ko siyang tingnan, umiling siya sa 'kin at masuyo akong pinagmasdan. "Naiintindihan ko. I'll stay away from you for a while, katulad ng dati."
"No, Sam. Let's end this here. Kakalimutan na natin ang nangyari sa ating dalawa. Katulad ng napag-usapan natin dati. We used each other."
I felt a lump forming in my throat. Naramdaman ko ang paglandas ng luha pababa sa aking pisngi pero mabilis ko iyong pinalis. Why the fuck am I crying about? Hindi ba't ito ang gusto ko—ang wakasan kung ano man ang namamagitan sa aming dalawa? Hindi ba't mahal ko si Maru? I should choose him over Samuel.
"We used each other, Evangelyn? Lahat ng pinakita mo sa 'kin, it's all because you're using me?" he said, pain was evident on his voice.
"Sam, we already talked about this back then even before we started this shit. We'll end it when I one of us wants to end it."
"Evangelyn, don't do this to me. Please," he tried to grab my hand but I quickly snatched it away from him. "Please, naman, Evangelyn, oh. May nagawa ba akong mali? If so, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, please."
"I'm sorry, Sam," ang tanging sinabi ko. I walked past him when I saw Maru, standing a few feet away from our spot.
Nahigit ko ang aking hininga nang makita ko ang ekspresyon sa kanyang mukha. Nakapinta ang galit doon. His fists were clenched.
"M-Maru…" anas ko.
Dumirekta ang tingin niya kay Samuel, na hindi ko namalayang nasa harap ko na pala.
"Bro, walang kasalanan si Evangelyn dito—" Samuel tried to say but a punch was already thrown at his face even before he could finish the sentence.
Napaluhod siya sa lupa, his one hand clutching his cheek. Sinubukan niyang tumayo pero muli siyang sinapak ni Maru sa kabilang pisngi.
I didn't realize I was sobbing. Hinawakan ko si Maru sa balikat bago pa man niya muling masapak si Samuel. Mahigpit niyang hawak ang manggas ng shirt ni Samuel. When he looked at me, he was ready to punch me in the face but stopped in midair when he realized it was me. Napaatras ako dahil doon.
"I-I'm sorry…" was all I could say.
Umiling lang siya at marahas na ibinagsak si Samuel sa lupa. "We're done, Evangelyn."
And then he walked away.
I tried to call out his name but he was already out of sight. Tears blurred my vision. Naramdaman ko na lang ang mga kamay ni Samuel na pumulupot sa 'kin. I could hear him groaning in pain in between my sobs.
But I didn't care. All that mattered at that moment was Maru.
*****
I felt numb inside as I walked into the forest, without any specific destination. Naramdaman ko ang marahang pagpatak ng ulan sa balat ko pero wala na akong pakialam. Hours had passed since Maru had ended our relationship. Just like that. Sigurado akong narinig niya ang lahat o 'di kaya ay sapat lang ang narinig niya para malamang may namamagitan sa amin ni Samuel. What a dumb bitch I was, thinking I could just get away from the mess I made. Masyado nang madilim ang kagubatan dahil natatakpan ng ulap ang buwan. Naramdaman ko na mas lalong lumakas ang ulan at sinamahan na ng kulog. But I didn't care. The one person in my life that mattered the most was now gone—Maru. He was my everything. My parents loved him. We were supposed to get married someday when we're at the legal age. I'd planned out our life already. Ano na lang ang sasabihin ni Dad kapag nalaman niyang sinira ko ang relasyon namin ni Maru? What will he do if he learns that I'm the one to blame? At kapag nalaman niyang I cheated on him, sigurado akong palalayasin ako ni Dad. But that doesn't matter now, does it? We have a slim possibility of getting out of here, anyways. Kaya malaki ang tsansa na hindi ko na sila makita ulit.
I wasn't sure if I was still crying or it's because of the rain pouring down on me. I continued to walk beyond the forest. Saan ba ako pupunta? Anywhere but here. If this was a normal day, I would get scared easily and run back towards the safety of the building. But this was a different one. I didn't find it in myself to be scared. In fact, I have no single fucking care in the world anymore. Wala na sa 'kin si Maru, so what else do I have to live for, right?
That was when I heard the footsteps coming near me. Hindi ako lumingon para tingnan kung sino iyon.
"Evangelyn!" it was Samuel's voice. But I kept walking, pretending not to hear him. "Evangelyn, come back! It's not safe to be outside at this hour!"
Nang maalala ko ang tinamong sapak ni Samuel, parang bunaligtad ang sikmura ko sa konsensya. I brought that to him. I was the one who asked him and made the contract myself. I used him. Hindi niya ako ginamit kagaya ng ginawa ko sa kanya. He acted like he loved me or so that's what he told me. Pinakita niya iyon sa 'kin and I was grateful for that. Paano niya ako nahabol? I was sure I screamed at him to leave me alone after Maru walked away. I screamed at him a couple of time and I watched him walk away from me as well. He was hesitant at first but he respected my decision. And I liked that about him. I dragged him into this mess which he clearly didn't deserve.
Naramdaman ko ang marahang paghila niya sa kamay ko. "Evangelyn, magkakasakit ka. Let's go."
I shook my head. "I want to be alone, please," I pleaded to him.
"Then let me be with you at least, para mapanatag ang loob ko," he whispered.
Ibinagsak ko ang ulo ko sa kanyang dibdib. I didn't scream or hurt him. He's had enough of that for today. Hindi niya deserve ang nangyari sa kanya. It was my fault.
He gently brushed my hair and kissed me on my forehead. Saka niya ipinatong ang kanyang baba sa ulo ko. I let myself feel his warmth.
"I'm sorry," sabi niya at hinawakan ang magkabila kong pisngi. "Don't worry, I won't ask you anything. I'll just be here, okay?"
I found myself nodding to him.
"I'll stay, Evangelyn," he added.
And it was just the two of us, in the middle of the forest with only the sound of the pattering of rain.