Shan Hanyu
Xiaoxian stares at me with a shocked expression as she hears what I have to say. We are at the place in the university we first officially met, where she was watching a match.
She looks absolutely beautiful, without her nerdy spectacles and in a pink chiffon dress with her hair put up in a stylish bun. I regret that I have not paid much attention to her blossoming beauty or her attention on me. For the past three months, I have been feigning interest in her. As beautiful and kind she is, I know my heart still fawns after Lu Shengyi.
Whenever she talks to me and giggles, I am seeing Shengyi in my thoughts. This guilt has been overbearing on my shoulders. One day, I might explode from the shame I have been feeling all this while.
"Xiaoxian, you are a nice girl. I believe you can find someone better than me," I mutter, trying to avert her gaze. I feel that the more I look at her and see her disappointment, remorse overwhelms me. I cannot look at her.
"What's wrong, Hanyu? I have done my best to change because you like girls who wear dresses, talk less and have long hair. I even got hair extensions!" she cries in exasperation.
"Isn't this ample evidence that we are not meant for each other?" I respond to her. I know no matter whatever she does to impress me, it's useless because my heart is only after Lu Shengyi.
"Nothing is impossible. There's always a chance…" she moans. My heart throbs further with guilt.
"Xiaoxian, I don't love you and cannot be that man in your heart, do you understand?" I try to be firm. I know she is crying, as she falls silent and turns away from me. I fathom that what I am saying is harsh and there is nothing I can do to console her.
"Hanyu, are you not willing to give us a second chance?"
She is overly positive and believes that there is a solution to our problems. Over the past weeks to months, she should have noticed that I have been zoning out when responding to her and I have been distracted easily whenever I hear or see Lu Shengyi.
Lu Shengyi is still the university sensation. Men and women alike flock to see her when she is having an examination or is spotted in the library. But her time in the campus is so limited, that such appearances are rare. All I know is that after lessons or doing some reading in the library, she just disappears with her chauffeur. She does not need to study at all, unlike most university students, merely in the library to read novels or just enjoying her me time. Her intelligence makes me admire her at many levels.
Xiaoxian should have realised how attracted I was to Shengyi the other day in the examination hall. She seems to have transcended into a Level 100 Beauty in an instance. Ever since I knew her and worked with her in the project, she appears to be getting prettier with each day. Now, I can't take my eyes off her.
"I know you like her," she suddenly breaks the silence. I do not reach out to her to hug her or kiss her, since such movements suggest a chance with each other. I just remain silent and motionless.
"I'm sorry, Xiaoxian," I say. But no amount of 'sorry' can heal her pain. She doesn't wail aloud like the girls I knew back in my hometown. She just remains quiet.
"Hanyu, I don't hate you. I just don't understand why you were with me if you liked Shengyi. Did you think I did not realise anything when you kept asking about her before we got together?"
Her words just bring more pain to my heart.
I remember when I asked her if she doesn't mind being with a poor student like me. I cannot afford to buy her clothes, flowers, or expensive chocolates. After all, I originate from a middle-income family and the source of my funding for my university education comes from a scholarship.
I also need to study for hours every night to ensure I keep up my grades, otherwise, the scholarship will be withdrawn and I will have to come up with my own funding for my final year here. I am also bonded to the work in the country for four years as the duration of the scholarship. Should I opt to further my studies to the postgraduate level, this will only add to my bond.
Xiaoxian is very easy-going and she has even paid for some of our dates out of her own pocket. She is also very naive and doesn't suspect me for having any ulterior motives for being with her. During the course of our relationship, I have collected as much information she has on Shengyi's likes and dislikes.
I find, through Xiaoxian, that Shengyi has an eccentric view as opposed to what most girls find preferable. She is also a fussy eater and a foodie. She is, however, one of those girls who don't like branded bags or makeup, and goes by what she calls Shengyi standards. Nevertheless, she is very secretive and even Xiaoxian does not understand what she genuinely likes or dislikes.
Shengyi is also very charitable. Half a year ago, word went out that Shengyi received a generous sum of money from an anonymous person. The amount is remitted in instalments rather than a lump sum. Even albeit having a chauffeur to accompany her almost everywhere outside the university, she still is very humble and often treats Xiaoxian to expensive clothes and sumptuous food at posh restaurants.
But why is she still so silent and heartless towards me? Even if she believes I am Xiaoxian's boyfriend now, shouldn't she be a bit more accommodating towards me?
Why is she continuing to be so cruel and uncaring towards me, by deliberately telling me hurtful words?
FLASHBACK (three days ago)
I wasn't sure what happened, but I sensed something was not right during the examination. I saw Shengyi writing on her answer sheet at godspeed, like a maniac. I assumed that she must have worn her brains out studying hard for the finals, so I attempted to ask her if she was alright after the examination.
I had followed her out of the exam hall, where she was standing among the lockers. She looked fabulous in her long dress, but knowing her personality, she will not accept any compliments from me.
"Shengyi, are you alright?" I ask instead.
She just looked at me as if I was mad, and rolled her eyes at me.
"Better than ever."
"But just now, during the exams, you…"
She cuts me off with her domineering tone. "It's nothing to do with you. I never cared about you and would appreciate that you have nothing to do with my life, then and now!"
I notice a rush of energy about her, and her eyes gleaming with rage. I do not know if this has any connection to do with what happens next, because almost immediately after that, a mob of students is pointing their fingers at me as furiously as they can ever be.
What is the logic behind this? I fathom that everyone likes Shengyi, but for a group of angry students to threaten me over her disappointment with me… is downright unrealistic. I cannot understand what has just happened. This seems abnormal. Then, out of the blue, a boot hits me directly on the face. I definitely didn't see that coming! The crowd is definitely crazed!
I feel a warm hand on mine and her soft and thoughtful voice soothes my ears. Xiaoxian pulls me away from the crowd hastily, but I am still busy looking for Shengyi. Where is she, and what did I do to offend her?
Xiaoxian notices my distraught face, but she does not question me. She pulls me along to an unoccupied room nearby and locks the door after us. From the open window, the deranged mob are hacking away with their bags and whatever they can find, in search of someone, possibly me.
What just happened? Did the university students just turn into the Train to Busan zombies, enthralled to act without a mind of their own?
Xiaoxian pulls shut the blinds of the room and pulls my face to look at her.
"They're crazy! What happened?" she utters in surprise.
"I don't know either," I shrug. The noises get louder as the angry students attempt to force their way into the room, but the strong metal door keeps them out. Xiaoxian pulls me closer and stares hopelessly into my eyes.
"Don't think of them, Hanyu. You're with me now. I'll keep you safe."
She initiates an innocent kiss on my lips, to which I return with full force, imagining that she is Shengyi. In my heart, I cannot accommodate anyone other than Lu Shengyi.