Entry No: 276
For a long time, I hated the word family.
Overbearing parents.
Too many expectations.
Which to be very honest dwindled down to just their hope for me to survive.
Freedom is another word that was rare for me. Especially in India, you are dependent on your parents till the age of 25.
No kidding.
At the earliest, it would be somewhere around 22 that you would be able truly independent.
But damn… it sucks to be dependent on my parents. Or that's what I thought for a long time.
But when the going gets hard, it's a blessing.
And what I realize after 24 years of my existence is that there is a word that we never associate with our parents.
Intent.
What 'angers', 'irritates', and 'makes you wish for freedom' is not the intent. It is never the intent.
At least for me.
It was always the process.
My parents' intent never changed for me…never.
It was their expectations.
And I am guilty.
A mother who works almost 12 hours a day. With no life and time for herself.
A father who is not home almost half the year traveling around the country for a freelancing job.
Both nearing sixty years of age.
And I dared to hate what they say to me.
I am not ashamed…I should be…maybe…
Truthfully, I am just sad.
All this time, if we could just sit and talk.
So many wasted years.
But I am grateful…very grateful for the opportunity that I got to spend so much time with my family because of this pandemic.
It was a bad year for everyone.
But family is all I have.
A lower-middle-class family. Enough food on the table, the best education possible, and the barest of living. That's all my parents could manage after sacrificing so much.
[Brain] You are quiet today.
[Heart] Do you think dad will be okay?
[Brain] I…(sigh)
[Brain] I know he is okay. He has always been strong. He'll get through this too.
[Heart] It's a 1 in 50 crore condition.[1]
[Brain] He is 1 in 7 billion. Believe.
[Heart] I am so scared.
[Brain] So am I.
Diabetes, high blood pressure, and now this. It has been so risky taking my father to the hospital amid the pandemic. He has to take the medication for 3 months before tests.
I hope the situation stays stable and improve.
Today, the dinner was baati chokha[2]. I love it. Dinner with family is now a regular thing and I will miss this so much when I return to my college and the other life.
It's so strange to think you are two completely different people at the same time. One is you with your family and the one is you when you are not with your family. I really don't want this split in my personality. I really wish to be the same wherever I am.
Date: 20th December 2020
Signed: Vardhaman Srivastava
Time: 23:57
Location: India