"Why do you take off your shoes?"
The question came suddenly while I was picking on my dinner. Suddenly everyone's attention turned to me.
"When does she do that?" Tristan asked.
"Anything related to sneak." Parker responded instantly. "I realized that when we went on our adventure. What? Didn't you catch that?"
Tristan glared at him, but before he could say anything Dan cut in. "She told me it minimizes sound."
Brye nodded slowly as she analyzed my actions.
"Then did you do it often upsta-" Liz started when an elbow was shoved into her stomach, "Ow!"
Dan narrowed her eyes at her, as if telling her to shut up.
"No, I didn't." I spoke lowly.
They all flinched at my response, surprised that I would even answer.
"Then why do you do it now?" Liz asked.
I shrugged, "I can get my shoes back. Not up there."
Brye nodded once again, agreeing with my logical statement.
"On a completely different note, I'm surprised you still have my shoes!" Tristan sent Parker a grin while effectively switching the mood.
Parker scowled then looked at me, "Why haven't you gotten shoes your size yet? Better yet, some nicer ones? Those colors are tacky."
Tristan scoffed.
"Don't get me started!" Arianna groaned. "I've been trying to convince her for ages now!"
I stuck out my feet from under the table to look at my shoes. Despite being too large for my small feet, they were smaller than what I usually wore and more comfortable. I like them though?
"How about we get you some?" Liz suggested. "We have thirty minutes until training starts again."
"I don't see why not." Dan shrugged.
"Oh! I can't actually!" Arianna hopped up. "I need to give Lucky her lunch now that I've finished my lunch."
I felt a twinge in my chest when she mentioned Lucky's name. She's leaving.
"Dating are we?" Parker teased with a raised eyebrow.
"Parker. Another word from you and I'll choke you. It's your fault she won't even look me." Arianna growled.
"What?" His eyebrows creased.
"Shut up." She turned to me after snapping at him. "Snow, after lunch do you want to go take a nap at the garden like usual?"
The past month's thoughts came flooding in. She's going to stop being my friend isn't she? I mean, she's rather go to her than come get new shoes with me. Not that I want any new shoes. Ugh what is this feeling? I could feel my heart pounding.
I need to stop.
I shook my head.
Everyone's eyes widened in surprise.
It was out of character for me to deny her requests or suggestions but I couldn't anymore.
"I'm going to rest in bed."
Lying was something I was used to. It was a tool that I heavily depended on, but right now, I found it extremely hard to get past the knot in my throat.
Everyone, with the exception of Sani, rushed up to me and flapped around me. "Are you okay? Do you feel bad? Does your head hurt? Should we go to an infirmary?"
I pushed them away. "I'm fine."
Parker gave me a hard glare.
"She didn't sleep much last night that's all." Sani spoke up for me. "That's all. There's no need for so much fuss."
Her words seemed to back everyone away from me, though they continued to eye me suspiciously.
Sani stood up. "I actually didn't get much sleep either. Should we go now Snow?"
I nodded and stood up with her.
"Don't worry about your plate, I'll take it for you guys!" Arianna offered.
Shaking my head, "I'll take it."
"But-"
I cut her off by walking away, the empty plate in my hands.
Sani followed me and we walked in silence.
The both of us weren't much talkers as silence is more comforting for us.
"You aren't the type to fall exhausted due to lack of sleep." She brought up suddenly as we walked alone down a hall. "What's wrong?"
"I'm fine."
She let out a scoff. "When Parker told me those are your favorite words, I thought he was kidding."
There was a moment of silence between us. Until Sani heaved a sigh.
"Do you know what I see every time I get nightmares?" Sani's voice hitched, "I see their disgusting eyes and feel their hands all over me. I feel pathetic, disgusted and hopeless.
I regret being a coward and not taking my life like Kiyo. But then I wake up and I see all of my friends. I can tell that they genuinely care for me, and love me no matter how dirty I might be."
My fingers fiddled with one another.
"I'm not saying that you have to share your life story, or things that worry you," she glanced over at me, "but know that we're here for you."
I glanced at Sani.
She was also someone who came from outside, someone who had suffered loss. But would she be able to understand?
Would she understand my feelings?
My hands curled along my side.
She wouldn't. She shouldn't.
Sani had her struggles but I also had mine. And our struggles were different, there was no way she would understand. We were different.
"I-" The words on my lips faltered.
I'm sorry.
The silence became uncomfortable between us.
"It's okay. Just know we'll be here when you're ready."
Her words were comforting, and although my heart yearned to become closer to them it was also afraid. Everyone was reaching out to me, saying that they'd understand but would they really? Who would be able to understand a murderer?
As we reached the restrooms, she quickly excused herself and I went ahead.
Once in the room, I felt the urge to look at something I had kept hidden away for so long. I walked over the the little drawer given to me when I first arrived and opened it. Inside, were a couple of different knit sweaters and faded jeans. I pulled out my backpack and opened it.
My fingers reached the edge of the bag, where a small little stitch was patched. Ripping it open, I pulled out what was hidden away.
A small little bracelet dangled as I held it up. A single charm hung on the chain, the small delicate shape of a snowflake.
"Because you're papa's precious little Snowflake."
My dad's words echoed in my head, causing me to clutch the necklace close to my heart and a ball formed in my throat.
It's better to start drawing the line.
With that, I started to distance myself. Going to the room instead of participating in games. Running away on movie night. Skipping on napping in the garden.
Almost three days had passed, and we were about to start morning training.
"Don't forget to stretch." Parker reminded Sani with a slight tease, as he stretched his long legs.
"Don't even get me started Carrots." Sani responded by doing complete splits.
Parker was stunned for a few moments before focusing on the pressing matter. "Why are you calling me that?"
"I heard Tristan calling you that and I liked it."
Right on cue Tristan walked in. "Hey Carrots."
Parker scowled. "Stop calling me that!"
"Aw don't get red! Then I'll have to start calling you Beets instead." Tristan teased.
A light smile formed on my lips but quickly disappeared when Parker called out to me. "Snow! Get them to stop!"
I was about to open my mouth to call him Carrots too when I froze.
No. I can't.
"Let's start our training."
The mood turned to the opposite direction as the playful tone of the conversation turned bitter with my words.
Now, the only place I didn't avoid them was during our meals. Although each time grew more awkward than the last.
It was quiet, and I did my best to ignore the constant glances by eating the mashed potatoes on my plate. I wonder if Nukka would like this. Can wolves even eat this?
"Haha. So uh how's everyone's day going?" Liz tried to lift the mood.
There was a sudden clatter of utensils that caused me to look up in an instant.
Arianna looked down at the table with an unfamiliar look on her face.
"Ari?" Lucky glanced over at her with concern.
She suddenly stood up, grabbing me by the collar. "We need to talk."
I was too stunned to react and was dragged by Arianna, but it seemed I wasn't the only one, as the rest of the table also was shocked.
She dragged me to a hallway that seemed empty. "What's wrong?"
Her question was sudden. I didn't expect her to confront me so openly about it.
I have to tell her I've had enough.
"I-"
Arianna stared at me long and hard.
"I-" The words wouldn't come out of my mouth.
Why can't I say it? It's not that hard to say the words 'I want to stop being friends with all of you.' They're just words damn it.
Her eyes were clear and full of concern, like she genuinely wanted to hear what I wanted to say. She wanted to know what was bothering me.
They're just words...
After a few moments, Arianna heaved a sigh. "You don't have to tell me. I understand that you have things you don't want to say, but don't think I'm- that we're all stupid. We can tell what you're doing. We can tell you're stepping away from us, we just don't know why. Fine. You don't have to tell us anything-"
My heart dropped. Here it comes, they're going to stop approaching me now.
"but, damn it, don't distance yourself!"
I looked up at her, surprised.
She was huffing with frustration, but her eyes were teary and concerned. "You're my best friend, and it hurts me to see you trying to run away from me. But know this, I'm stubborn. We're stubborn. We'll just hold on to you tighter than before. I'll hold you tighter than before, no matter what you've been through or what you've done."
There was a moment of silence.
"But- aren't you going to leave me for Lucky?" I blurted.
She looked confused. "What?"
"You like, like, her."
Arianna ears grew slightly red. "Well yeah, but what does that have to do with me leaving you?"
"She's more important than me." My voice came out a slight mutter.
"No!" She shouted, actively startling me. She continued after looking around the hall after her outburst. "She is not more important than you. You are not more important than she is. The both of you hold an equal importance to me."
I scrunched my eyebrows in confusion. Can two people be equally important to someone?
"I- let's see..." she tried to look for an example, "For example, you have a water filter and a knife. Which is more important?"
"Water filter." My response was quick and without hesitation.
Arianna's forehead crinkled. "What? How?"
"Water is essential for life."
It took a moment for Arianna to make sense of what I told her. "No- I. It wasn't supposed to be like this." She muttered. "Look. Both of them have an equal amount of importance but in different fields. That's like you and Lucky. You're important in the the friendship field and Lucky is important in the romance field. Do you get it?"
I nodded hesitantly.
She saw my hesitance. "What I'm trying to say is that I'm not going to leave you for Lucky. Trust me."
My eyes lowered.
Trust. I wasn't sure if she knew how heavy that word really was. If she knew that the little word could bring about pain, disappointment or even worse, death. Trust was a word that scared me.
If we were both in danger, who would she choose?
I slightly flinched when her warm hands gently touch my shoulder. My eyes lifted and met with hers.
They were warm.
The last time I saw eyes filled with such warmth was such a long time ago.
The image of the happy couple filled my mind and I squeezed my eyes shut to block it out.
I can't- I just-
I feel her wrapping around me, engulfing me in a hug. Her warmth touched every corner of my body making me shudder.
"I know you're afraid of trusting others. That's okay, we can work on it together. But we trust you, whether you trust us or not."
Her words echoed in my brain.
They trust me... even if I don't trust them.
[You won't be able to handle their trust.]
His voice echoed in my brain.
Probably not...
My hands raised and reached around her waist.
But I can try.
We held each other in silence, while I took comfort in her warmth.
When we finally let go, she looked at me with a smile. "Promise you won't do anything stupid like that again."
My head bobbed up and down slowly.
"Good. Come on let's go."
As we walked, another question surged into my brain. "Why aren't you 'going out' with Lucky yet?"
"W-what?"
I caught her off guard again. "If you like, like someone, don't you 'go out' with them?"
The term 'going out' was something I learned from films and books when I was younger. Never had I seen it in action, nor had I experienced it but I knew it was a thing.
"I- uh. Well there's a lot of things to consider before going out."
"Like?"
She bit her lip. "Well... if she likes me too I guess. Dating, or going out, requires both people to want to date."
I pursed my lips and nodded slowly. "Then why haven't you asked yet?"
Arianna grinned. "Oh look at that! We're here! Hey everyone!"
The group looked at us unsure of what to make out of our conversation. They glanced at me shyly.
I guess an apology is in order.
"It-" I mumbled, "it seems my actions have hurt you. For that, I'm sorry." I gave a customary bow of apology then looked up to see their reactions.
To say they were shocked was an understatement. Their jaws were practically touching the ground. Sani was the quickest to recover, a small smile decorated her lips.
"You- you apologized!" Tristan stood up and pointed at me. "Did you hear that!"
Brye, Liz, and Lucky nodded ecstatically.
Dan huffed. "We're your friends, it's only natural that it would hurt!"
Parker only had a relieved look on his face.
"I'm glad everything worked out fine. " Lucky said as we took our respective seats. "It was starting to get a little awkward."
People around the table nodded in agreement.
"It's all good though now." Arianna grinned while sending me a look. "I scolded her well."
"Oh! Oh! Does that mean we're all going to the dance on Friday?" Liz said excitedly.
I formed a small 'o' with my mouth when I remembered the dance was near. Supposedly they had been planning it for ages, and everyone was looking forward to it. I've never been to a dance but what I've seen from films, it looked almost exciting.
"Have you asked that girl yet?" Sani looked over at Dan, who turned red.
Tristan raised an eyebrow. "A girl? Do tell!"
"What girl? I don't know a girl." Dan stuttered.
"Don't be like that!" Brye scowled.
Everyone looked at Dan expectantly and she finally gave in. "You already know her."
"Well I don't." Tristan motioned towards himself.
"You haven't really introduced us yet." Arianna added.
Dan pursed her lips. "Her name is Daisy."
"And?"
"She's perfect."
Tristan scoffed. "No one's that perfect."
"Well she is!" Dan refuted angrily. "From the way she laughs to the way she lays her hands against her cheeks when she's bored!"
"You're completely smitten." Brye expressed with a dreamy sigh.
They continued their conversation as Arianna quietly asked Lucky a question.
"Do- do you have someone in mind for the dance tomorrow?" Her voice was shaky and clearly nervous.
Lucky shyly turned a shade of red before shaking her head.
"I- I see..." Arianna laughed dryly.
My lips curved downward. Why doesn't she just ask her?
"Do you want to- um like, go together?"
"I thought you'd be going with Snow." Lucky fidgeted slight glancing at me.
"Why me? She like likes you." I muttered while taking a bite of mash potatoes.
An unsettling feeling wafted through the group.
I slowly look away from my plate to see everyone's attention of Lucky and Arianna. Both whom were different shades of red.
My eyes glanced around for an indication of what went wrong. Yet no one said a word.
"I-I have something to do!" Arianna jumped up unexpectedly and rushed to leave.
"Wait!" Lucky shouted after her but she was already gone. Lucky glanced at Parker for a few seconds as if deciding something. Suddenly, she turned to me, "Do you mean it? Does she really like me?"
My eyebrows curved in confusion. "Why would I lie?"
Her face seemed to lighten up and also began to gather her things. "Thank you! I'll get going now!"
In an instant she was gone, running in the direction where Arianna left.
I stared at the group bewildered. What just happened?