- By the way you said the word father you must have serious problems with this gentleman...
- I don't like talking about him...
- But it should! When we put our wounds to show it we open ourselves so that they are healed.
- When our wounds are exposed there is always someone prepared to throw a bucket of salt on them- I answered him feeling the resentment and the hurt growing and being fed by my memories.
- But that is living. You have a wound in your soul, seek treatment and during your walk to the cure you face some situations that in the end will give you not only the cure for your pain but also the necessary experience to continue living and be more resistant.
- Maybe you're right...
We were silent for a few minutes with the attention of our eyes completely facing the ocean and its turquoise blue immensity that beneath us open in calm and transparent waters revealing submerged reef, big and small fishes, colossal whales and the glimpse of the sands that covered the salty immensity of life and colors that flowed beneath our ship.
- I won't force you to tell me if you don't want to... that's definitely your choice.
- My father wanted my mother to be pregnant with a boy... - I started saying even though the knot in my throat wanted to makes me stop.
I don't know exactly why I started telling about my life maybe out of desperation at know that I was probably going to be raped every day that I was on this ship or perhaps because I felt deep in my heart a confidence, a truth stamped on the green of Benjamin's eyes.
- I was rejected from the day I was born. My mother never cared about that, she always made it clear that I was the most precious treasure the ancient gods gave her. My father... he was her rank no matter how hard I tried to be accepted by him to be the perfect daughter he always rejected me, punished me many times for things I had not done, for being born with the wrong sex... - I feel two hot tears running down in my face- several times he assaulted my mother... she suffered from the excesses of his anger, jealousy and hatred. I watched everything... but we were happy! Just me and my mom when he was traveling to Nekr贸s, when he were going to work.
When that happened and it was just us and the sklavois everything was more fun. We played - More tears came out of my eyes while the knot in my throat increased with every happy memory I had beside my mother- She taught me to dress, to use the silverware, learn my hair and tie my boots... I miss her so much. On my eighth birthday my father told me I was getting a special present... I remember being so happy.
Finally I will be a daughter to my father. We will be a whole family! What I didn't expect was what gift it was to get rid of me. He sent me to Doul茅ia's and forgot me there until he sold me to Cael a few days ago.
- My condolences for this monster you have to call father...
- I hate him... if I could I would take revenge on him... if I had the chance I would take revenge without hesitation!
- Can I tell you something about that?
- Yes...
- You focus on the bad parts of your past instead of soaking up the good parts of it.
-You say it as if it's easy...
- I didn't say as if this was easy or hard I just want to say that while you hold yourself to what your father did to you instead of thanking and reminding the good times you lived with your mother you sabotage yourself.... you sabotage your decisions, your happiness, your thoughts and how you see the world around you...
- And then I'll be trapped in a vicious circle of hurt and pain...
- Kris you need to free yourself from those hurts and resentments. They are stones that bind your feet and that prevent you from walking faster in pursuit of your happiness and your goals!
- I am a pallaki! My destiny is to look beautiful for my Master, to give pleasure and heirs for him... I'm not good for much else. What else could I do?
- That is the question! While you hold the negative sides of your present and your past you cannot see your future! The good things that can happen in it and what is good in you. Every person in the world has something within himself that makes that person different. Maybe a skill, a talent, a motivation...
- But I don't have any of those things. - I replied confused and at the same time sad.
- You have Kris! You have something to add to the world! Something that is waiting to be rescued under all the emotional dirt that you keep in your head.
- Okay... how do I find that? If there's something good enough in me...
- Well... - He announced it with an air of relief and happiness, as if he had won a huge gift at that moment- Ig you want to find your happiness and leave the past behind you need understand that this is a process! The first step of this process I already told you that is to self-analyze, identify and try, try to treat your internal traumas, forgiving who should be forgiven... stopping to compare or pay more attention to your negative points and always remember that your negative points of your personality are characteristics that should be improved and that this is normal. Super normal!
-Excuse me? To Forgive that piece of rotten mud who I call father? Never ! He doesn't deserve this!
- Kris... the forgiveness is not given because the person has redeemed himself... because that person deserves mercy or is a synonym that you want to forget what that person has done. To forgive decide to leave in the past everything someone did to you cause your well-being and the good things that are coming are better than some shits that happened in the past.
Those words... the definition of forgiveness and the affection with which he used to say all that struck me as a force extraordinarily big and put me in front of a bifurcation. On the one hand there was my bitter memories and the conformism to live with them, after all... I was already got the used to pain, resentment and sadness so it was easier to continue with them but on the other hand there was a new way... the forgiveness and that was the most difficult, frightening and mysterious way.
It is not easy to leave years of tears, pain, remorse and resentment suddenly as if they were worn and dirty garments.
I did not existe the most astonishing or the simplest way to solve that riddle... the riddle called forgiveness but in the end I agreed with him.
Ben was right! Why get stuck in what already happened to me? I can't change my past, to take revenge on my father it will not make me happier or end the pain I keep in me... So then I chose forgiveness.
My life can't be about what others did or didn't do to me but about the good things I had, I have and I will have.
- Hey! - Ben asked making me regain consciousness- What will you do from now on?
- I'll forgive... I'll live, I'll take all the rubble out of me!
- That's my girl! I need to remember you that this won't be easy. I often think that forgiveness it's a daily process in which you choose every day the peace of your mind instead of the pain and what others had done to you.
- Yes! You are absolutely right...
- I need to go now... I'm very tired... if I were you I would stay in your room. The silence of the lower floors helps to think better...
- But what about the other steps of how to overcome everything... you know... my past. Won't you tell me?
- Of course I will! But we will talk about that after... activity number one my dear Kristma, to learn to forgive! Then we see the others steps...
- Okay... and about staying in my room... I would like to do this... but Cael ordered me to stay here.
- Do you care about that order?
- Of course! He is my Master! I have obey him!
- But you are not his first lady! According the rules who owes maximum and absolute obedience to him is his first lady! You're not his first lady of... you're just one of his pallakis...
- But I'm afraid of him! He can hit me.
- He will not do that as long as you're here on the ship and as long as you're in Nekr贸s. He greatly values the good reputation of a calm, kind and generous man that he has built for years both here, for the crew, and in Nekr贸s... if you return to your room he will threaten you but he won't do nothing more than that... and if he assaults you can warn me... I will protect you.
- Am I disturbing something between you two? - Cael mysteriously appeared behind us. His eyes were overflowing with of irritation and mistrust.
- No my lord...- I responded while Ben kept on his back to him distracting himself with the calm view of the waves.
- Go to your room Kris! The captain asked for you accompany in the games room tonight.
"that asshole!" I thought to myself.
- Take a bath and wear something navy blue. He told me that he wanted to see you in that color... - Cael suggested.
- I'll walk Kristma to her room- Benjamin responded by turning to see Cael's face.
- No, you won't I want you to stay here Benjamin.