This feeling is very familiar for me.
It feels like a heavy weight is pressed on my chest, shallow breaths and my senses seemed to lose focus periodically. This is what the brink of death feels like.
The luckiest reincarnation I've experienced is experiencing death on my own bed, and this is what it feels like. However, some of the deaths I've experienced before is lonely and dark. After all, I am leaving the people I care behind.
Will this be the same?
"Ugh, I've never imagined that this would happen," I mumbled, massaging my temples.
I thought the moment I woke up, my health would get better but it seems to be deteriorating. To eject such a huge amount of mana is like drinking poison to one's body. But it's a different story if you build tolerance, just like how I am confident this body could handle it. I was wrong about it though.
However, because of my condition, a perfect plan for Vance to win the throne seems to be brewing perfectly. But it's been a month, and I am sure Vance would be worried of me.
"Poor father and brother. They're angry, but they're more worried. Uld doesn't seem rational at the moment and Demetrius is like a fool waiting for his masters' orders," I mumbled again looking outside the window. "I am even hallucinating Vance right now,".
Wait.
I jolted in shock when I saw a familiar face outside my window.
"Vance!"
"Carina!," his voice calling out to me, slightly muffled. He seems to be carrying something huge on his back. And he seems to be hanging dangerously from the windowsill.
I wrapped my body with my blanket and slowly walk towards the window. Opening it, I can feel the cold wind chilling deep into my bones. Autumn is coming, but the cold nights can be harsh as it seems to still bite through.
"You're cold! What are you doing outside?,"
I suddenly remembered that time I sneaked out to see him, and it was twice. I realized I've been a bad example to him.
"I was waiting for the right moment," he smiled.
But the smile quickly disappeared when he noticed my appearance. Slightly gaunt, pale and thin. "It's been a month...but don't worry! I'll call the best doctor from Frigore! I am sure you'll be well in no time," he said.
It seems that Vance was unaware of what happened but I don't blame him. For the son of a concubine, his movements and even his powers are limited. He couldn't even go out of his palace without the emperor's permission.
I coughed blood during the visit of the crown prince, and it was a visit without an invitation too, meaning that the rumours circulating around the capital right now is that the crown prince tried to assassinate me. This is the plan I've been making while I am in bed. To spread that rumour around.
If I can pinpoint this towards the crown prince, then the only person to get rid of is the second prince. Then, it'll be Vance's victory.
"I brought something for you," he brought forward the huge thing that was on his back.
It was covered in cloth so I couldn't guess what it was.
Then, he removed the cloth, revealing a portrait of myself. "W-what? Did you commission this from an artist?,"
"I… I am aware that you've seen my 'drawing' before, but this is the real one. I can actually draw," he tried hard to convince, as if trying to erase my memory of that night. He leaned the portrait on the wall as I walked towards it.
My fingers traced the outline of my face drawn on the canvas. Me...or... Carina, looks beautiful. She always looks ethereal and radiated a calming aura, a complete opposite of the family she belongs, the Aspera. Despite that, her physical appearance is the opposite of such characteristics, as she has sharp features. Rather than cute, she's more of a beautiful woman.
But the Carina in this drawing has such gentle eyes.
"Do I... look this gentle?,".
I doubt it. If you've been living for so long, you wouldn't even remember how you're like. I was a naive, kind-hearted fool back then, but because I've been living for awhile, I've slowly lost a part of myself as I try to be strong.
Even now, I am scheming to ruin the lives of two men to let Vance be the emperor, despite them deserving it.
"You're the most gentle, kind person I've ever met," he said, smiling gently as he looked at me. "Even my painting can't translate such a beautiful person inside and out,".
I giggled. How could I imagine him to be acting this way and him acting like a child the next? "That's a silly joke Vance. It's hard for me to take you seriously,".
Vance sighed, as if he's frustrated with something. "I don't care if other people don't know who I am. But I had enough of you treating me like a kid," his low voice whispering to her sounds almost seductive as he raised my chin. "Now, can you take me seriously?," he smirked.
I almost took a step behind, but I froze in place. In all of my years, I've never been approached this way. I've always built up some kind of barrier that prevents men from flirting with me. But because it's Vance I didn't put a guard up that much.
I underestimated him.
"Vance, it seems you're... 'that' Vance,"
"Hmm… not exactly," he answered vaguely.
It seems that he knows something.
"May I kiss you?,"
Shivers ran down my spine. Not out of fear, but out of feeling something unfamiliar. I wanted to say no, but I also wanted to say yes. As if the situation is driven by instinct, I couldn't even answer him and just gave a slight smile.
Vance took it as an affirmation as his hands moved slightly around my waist, inching us closer together. He held my head gently and lifted my lips to his. For a moment, my eyes were wide-opened as his lips swallowed mine.
It was rough, impatient as his tongue swirled with mine. Unlike his gentle touch on me, his kiss were the opposite. We parted for a moment, as he whispered, "Carina, I love you,".
"Vance, I-," the slight hesitation I gave him is a hint to Vance that I need more time.
He gave me a reassuring smile. "It's normal to feel conflicted. You've been seeing another side of me after all so I am happy to give you some time, but...,"
"I can say one thing for sure...that 'that' version of me, and I myself, love you, truly, as a woman,".
I also truly love Vance. But, I am inexperienced. I don't know how to label this feeling. But if I am going by instinct, of course the Vance I am seeing right now is as a man, not as the retarded prince I know.
"I don't know if this is love but I want to say beside...truly," I shake in fear. I tried to hold back my tears, but I failed.
To love someone is truly a beautiful thing. But it's torturous every time I have to go to their graves. To keep on living like they don't exist anymore as I got reincarnated into a new life. And to experience that again with Vance?
I want to, but I am scared.
Vance held my waist tighter. His heart is torn into pieces, seeing such a strong woman all of a sudden broke down into tears. He kissed me again, hoping to melt my sadness away.
At that exact moment, Vance was thinking all things in his head. 'I will definitely kill everyone who hurt her, and give the whole world that she deserves'.