"You look gorgeous sis." Korra gives me a once-over before pulling me into a hug.
"Thanks." I mumble absent-mindedly.
"Where is Trevor? He's supposed to be here by now." I pace around the living room and kitchen, constantly checking the time on my phone.
"He'll be here. Don't worry, we won't be late." Korra assures me and on cue, the doorbell rings. I rush to the door before Korra can stand up from the couch.
"Hey Trevor how nice of you to be here on time." I say through gritted teeth. He looks around and scratches the back of his neck as he searches for words.
"I'm so sorry, I was looking for my cuffs and then I couldn't find my car keys." I wave him in and walk to my room to get my bag.
"I need to quickly use the bathroom. Give me a second." I glare at Trevor as he runs into the bathroom.
A few minutes pass and I start to tap my feet impatiently with my eyes fixed on the bathroom door. Trevor finally re-enters the room but with a confused look on his face.
He turns to Korra and asks, "Why's the mirror in the bathroom covered with white sheets?"
"Did you touch it?" I ask him before Korra can answer.
"No."
"Good. We're Irish, it's an old tradition and your fiancée is superstitious. Now can we please get going." I storm out of the apartment and the couple follow closely behind me. Korra pauses to lock the door before rushing to join us in the elevator.
The elevator takes us to the lobby and we exit the building to find Trevor's Audi e-tron SUV parked outside.
"I can see that life as the vice-president of Saint Peter's is treating you well." I admire the car before Korra opens the door to the backseat for me to enter. Trevor laughs as he gets in the driver's seat.
Trevor fastens his seatbelt as the engine purrs to life and it is the only sound in the car for the whole trip to my dad's house. I actually appreciate the silence, it gives me time to compose myself before we arrive at our destination. I know it's going to be overwhelming for me but I'm going to have to pull through. I' m the one who asked for the funeral to be today so I can't complain.
I wipe my moist palms on my black lace dress and fix my head piece as Trevor pulls into dad's ranch. As the car stops in front of the house, Korra takes my hands and gives them a tight squeeze, a reassuring squeeze.
"I'm here for you." She says as Trevor opens the door and we both get out of the car.
I look up at the house I grew up in. I haven't been to this place in years. Largely because of my hatred for the house and the memories it held, most of which were bad for me. Don't get me wrong, I love my family, I've always loved them and I had a wonderful time with them here but for some reason, ever since I finished high school I can't quite remember the good memories we shared, just the terrible things that happened.
The door swings open and dad emerges with a wine flute in his hand. He pulls me in with his free hand.
"How are you Edan?" I nod and follow behind him with Trevor and Korra with me as he re-enters the house.
The air carried slow music that seemed to be coming from upstairs, hence the softness. Dad turns into the spacious living room and we all string along. I look around and all the mirrors and glass doors are covered in white sheets too; now I know where Korra gets all her superstitions from. As we enter the living room, I recognize only a few people in the room. Asides my dad, Asher's parents, my aunts Susan and Maddie, I don't recognize the other people in the room. There were also two people from Asher's, we exchange looks as I walk past them.
"Hi Caroline." I greet Asher's mother first and she looks up at me. Her eyes are red and puffy, she must have been crying nonstop. All of a sudden I feel like a bad wife.
"Oh honey." She stands up to hug me and her husband continues to rub her back as the tears don't seem to stop.
"I'm so sorry." I say and she lets go of me and gives me a soft stern look.
"Sorry? You shouldn't be sorry dear. You had nothing to do with this. If anything, I should be consoling you in your condition." She glances at my belly and I just smile back at her.
"Don't worry about us Caroline, we will be fine." She pulls me into another hug and I nod at Frank, her husband before moving to my aunts. As soon as I leave the Daulton's, they both rush at me and wrap their arms around me.
"Thank you guys for coming on such short notice, I really appreciate it." They finally let go of me and flash weak smiles as we walk back to their seats.
"No need to thank us Riona. We loved Asher, he was a good man. We are supposed to be here." Aunt Susan says as she holds my hands in hers.
"Let's go into the kitchen. No one seems to know what's in there." Aunt Maddie leads the way.
The island in the kitchen and the table in the dining room are covered in plates and trays and napkins. I don't see how the few people here are supposed to eat all this food but dad definitely outdid himself with all this.
"What's with all the food?" Trevor whispers to Korra. Or at least he thinks he whispers. Aunt Susan turns around to answer him as she grabs a plate.
"Well we believe that the passing of a loved one is not to be brooded over. Of course it's a sad event but we'd rather much be happy and reflect on the time we spent with them rather than mourn their absence. So funerals are more of a celebration of life, hence the feast." She smiles at Trevor who looks like he regrets his asking.
"Courtesy of us, by the way." Aunt Maddie says as she grabs a plate.
"We usually do this during the wake but since this was all short notice, we didn't know if we should do it all of not but we finally decided to stick to tradition. Adam will share the leftovers between the neighbours who couldn't make it." She refers to my dad.
After a few minutes in the kitchen, a group of six – 4 men and 2 women – walk in and head straight to the living room. I don't recognise them but my Aunts seem to. They drop their plates and wipe their faces as they hurry behind the group.
My father soon re-joins us in the living room and the men follow behind him with the auburn casket on their shoulders. He walks beside me and holds me close to him as the men carry the casket out, we follow close behind.
I know I said it doesn't really hit you until you see the casket but I guess I was wrong. The realization that we are actually going to bury him now releases a new wave of grief over me. I take my steps one at a time and trip on my feet as I walk down the last step. My dad quickly holds me up and puts his arm around me.
"Will you get in a car or you want to walk?" I don't know where we're going but I just keep walking, not bothering to answer my father's question.
As soon we step out of the house, my aunts and the women who joined us not too long ago start to chorus Celtic Woman's 'Carrickfergus'. I turn to look at my dad and he gives my hands a knowing squeeze. The last time I heard the Irish funeral chorus was at Maria's funeral. My eyes start to brim with tears.
"It's Holy Redeemer's we going to. He'll be right next to Maria, don't worry." I just nod and walk on. I turn around and notice Trevor slowly driving behind the small crowd.
After a few minutes of walking, I see the crucifix that stood in front of the church dad goes to. I don't even know if he still goes but he used to make me and Korra dress up every Sunday to come here. We walk past the church, only stopping for the priest to join us as we walk the rest of the short distance to the cemetery.
We reach Holy Redeemer's and the men with the casket set it up on the lowering device. My dad leaves me to talk to the priest and Korra and Trevor keep me company. As they finish setting up, they open the casket and the priest starts his sermon.
I don't listen to a word coming from the priest, I was anxiously waiting for him to finish so I could finally look at him. I still haven't had a chance to see him and I'd like to do so before he's shoved into the ground.
"… and the Holy Spirit. Amen." The only words I hear are at the end of the closing prayer. He's finally done.
"Who would like to say anything about the deceased?" The priest looks around but I feel everyone else's eyes on me. I just look down at my feet and slowly shake my head. I honestly don't have anything to say. Someone slowly walks forward from the back to speak.
"He was a sweet boy, my only child. He didn't deserve to die…" I look up and Caroline is the one speaking, "… He was kind hearted and loving and just so generous. I don't think… I don't…" She starts to choke on her tears and her husband walks her away from the site. Everyone looks after her and their eyes rest on me again. Why did they want me to say something so badly? Where do I even start?
"If that is all, then we may now have the chance to give our final farewells."
No one walks up, I guess they're all waiting for me to go first. I muster up some courage and walk to the open casket, Korra holds on to my hand and walks with me.
It is terrible.
I didn't even recognize him. His whole body is charred and ashy. He barely had any hair on his head, it was all burnt off. I feel nauseated but try to pull myself together for a few more seconds. I have to get what I'm here for, no matter how painful this is.
His hands are somewhat crossed across his chest and I look closely at his left hand. All his fingers are bare. What?
"Where's his ring?" I whisper to myself as I push my head closer to get a better looks at his hands. I frantically search for it and as I'm about to reach in and grab his scorched hands, Korra pulls me back.
"What are you doing? What are you looking for?" I ignore her and move closer to the casket to continue my search.
"I can't find his ring. Where is his ring? Who took his ring?" I start to raise my voice and I know I may look like an insane pregnant lady right now but I couldn't care less. I have to have his ring. Korra pulls me away again and I glare dangerously at her.
Trevor and my dad walk over to us, wondering what all the ruckus is about. I turn to talk to them, maybe they'd have more sense and help me.
"I'm looking for his ring. I can't find his ring." My eyes begin to water and everyone seems to have looks of pity on their face. I don't need pity, I need Asher's ring. I stomp back over to the casket and Trevor grabs me from behind, lifting me off my feet.
"Let me down Trevor I need to find his ring." The day's tears finally start to fall as Trevor hauls me to his car with my dad and sister right behind him.
As we reach the car I collapse on the passenger's seat and bury my head in my palms, as the tears finally start to fall. I start to remember. His smile. His voice. Memories flood back into my head. All I am and all I know now is sadness, every other emotion pushed from my being. In this sadness there is no past or future, just living by the moment. It felt as if a black mist had settled on me and refused to shift, and despite how bright the day is, I couldn't feel the heat of the sun anymore. I never experienced grief this bad before. I was still young when Maria died so I didn't fully grasp the feeling on losing a loved one. I feel lost now mostly because I have lost a big part of me. I can't get that part back and I want it so bad as my life depended on it but it is all gone, vanished in thin air.
The grief surged with every expelled breath, always reaching higher peaks, never sufficiently soothed by my long and deep breaths. In that moment the sure knowledge that life would go on without him undid me completely. All pretence of quiet coping was lost and I sink deeper into the chair not caring about the pitiful looks from the others. I thought I was strong but I guess grief is stronger. I thought I could get through this unscathed, but all I was doing was scratching at the already fatal wounds.
What feels like an hour passes before Korra kneels in front of me and hands me a tissue. I finally look up and mutter a thank you as I wipe my face off. I look up and he was already being lowered into his final resting place.
"I need that ring Korra." She looks at me with a tired look on her face.
"It's not there Riona. It must've fallen off somehow but it's not on him. You have to let it go." I know she's right but that ring is more important than anyone can understand.
The people start to leave so I finally give up and go to the back seat, waiting for Trevor so we can leave. As I look out the window at the slowly setting sun, I notice a black SUV parked a few meters away from the graveyard. Maybe it was just the Phoenix heat that is messing with me but the person standing beside the car looked oddly familiar. The man finally notices my stare and gets back into the car before quickly zooming off. Probably a friend of Asher that we forgot to invite. I couldn't get everybody.
Everyone finally leaves and Trevor and Korra enter the car as we get ready to leave. Dad walks over to the window and stretches his arms out. I place my hands in his and he places a kiss on the palm of my hand.
"I love you Edan. Be safe." He lets go as the car starts to move and stands there until we are out of sight.
Now I know he's gone for sure.