MONDAY, 9:45 P.M
Korra gently opens the door as if afraid of what's on the other side.
"Hey." She comes in with a tray of food in her hands and shuts the door with her foot.
"The doctor says you have to eat, Ree. You haven't eaten since you woke up. I made this myself so don't worry, it tastes good." She sets it beside me and the smell of mashed potatoes and gravy fills the air.
I keep staring straight ahead, at the blank TV screen in front of me. I see a dark reflection of myself. I look miserable, and not just on the inside. What did I ever do to deserve all this crap? I've already paid for everything I did in the past. That life is far behind me and I have no intention of going back to it. Then why is everything just going wrong? Doesn't karma know when to stop? I don't deserve this, no one does.
My life up to the moment I met Asher was hell. But as soon as we met, everything turned around. I thought I could finally be happy with a decision I made – the decision to move on with my life and only be happy. I couldn't even do that.
"It's all gone now." I had one job, just one. Keep the baby alive. And even that, I couldn't do by myself. I'm useless.
She turns to me, puzzled.
"The only thing I had left of him is gone now and I feel so empty." Her face relaxes as she starts to understand what I'm talking about. A lone tear makes its way down my face.
"Look Ree, I know. I can't even begin to understand how you're feeling now but I know how Asher would feel if he were here." I turn to look at her for the first time since she entered the room.
"He'd want you to be happy, not starving yourself. He'd say that no matter what happened, he still loves you and wants you to be happy. So if you won't eat for me, eat for him."
She's right. All he ever wanted is for me to be happy and I know that too. If I'm not sure of nothing else in my life, I can be sure that Asher only ever wanted the best for me all the time, even if it didn't work out so well for him.
With a sigh I sit up in the bed, "I wasn't starving myself, I just don't like hospital food."
"There you go." She laughs and hands me the tray.
I empty the bowl in a matter of seconds and Korra laughs as she hands me a cup of milk to accompany the meal.
"Thanks." Her expression turns serious again. She squeezes my right hand and looks into my eyes.
"Are you okay?"
"Of course not. But I will be, just not now." She flashes a weak, understanding smile and nods.
"That's fine. Just stay with me okay? Don't do anything stupid."
"I'll try." She laughs and climbs into the small bed.
"I'm not sleeping on that uncomfortable chair today."
I throw the blanket over us and she strokes my hair as we drift off to sleep.
TUESDAY
"So how're you feeling today?" Trevor asks as he looks through my chart.
"I'm hungry today." He laughs and hangs the chart back in place.
"That's a good sign." He checks the IV and the monitor.
"Any pain or discomfort?"
"No." He gives me a side glance as if he knows I'm lying.
"Okay. I'll tell the nurses to bring your lunch in a few minutes." He closes the door behind him and Korra opens it again.
"Hey Ree. Guess who I brought with me. It was a hassle getting him cleared but he's here." Sam runs up from behind Korra, pulling her along as he jumps on the bed.
"Hey boy. I missed you too." He licks my face and proceeds to my hands.
"Ok Sam, calm down. She's alright." Korra tugs on his leash and he obediently gets down with his eyes still glued on me. He walks around the room, sniffing every corner, all the while tugging Korra along.
"How're you feeling today? Any pain?" She asks as she tries to keep up with Sam's pace.
"Just a little but asides that I'm okay." I've never lied to Korra and I'm not starting now.
"Good." Sam starts to head into the bathroom but Korra pulls him back, panting.
Minutes pass with Sam dragging Korra around the room, I start to wonder who's the owner and who's the pet.
"Okay I'm exhausted now. I need some water and he isn't allowed in here unless someone, not in a hospital bed, is holding on to him. We'll be right back." She leaves the room with Sam.
The room starts to get a little bit chilly so I reach for the AC remote on the table beside me. Just as I grab it, the door opens again.
"That was fast, are you sure you went to get water?" I ask before turning to the door.
The people I'd rather not see right now happened to find their way to my room. Why?
"Hi Riona." Matron Harlow gives me a sad smile before closing the door behind the pregnant 'pity party' from Lamaze.
I don't even remember their names but the three of them slowly make their way to my side with the most annoying expressions on their faces – pity. The leader, the blonde one whose name I do not remember, starts talking first but I don't hear a word.
I never quite understood before why women who've miscarried find the sight of pregnant women so upsetting, but now, of course, I get it. It's not that I resent them and their happy pregnancies; who knows how many losses they've been through? Who knows what it took them to get there? What could they even be going through right now?
No, I have a hard time looking at them because I think, 'That's what I should look like now'. That's how pregnant I should be. Soon I'll see babies whose ages will coincide with the age my baby should have been, and I won't be able to look at them, which seems a shame.
"Riona? Mrs. Daulton?" The redhead raises her voice to get my attention and I snap my head to look at her with contempt evident on my face. I never noticed before but she's very pretty, her narrow nose complements her sharp jawline and the scattered freckles on her cheeks made it all the more better. I'm sure her babies will be gorgeous.
"Umm we were just asking if you're okay." Why would I be okay? You're having four and I can't even have one anymore.
Impulsively, I rip out the IV and pull the oximeter off my finger. I don't know where I'm going but I just keep a steady pace and head for the door. I bump into a nurse and send the food tray in her hands flying. There goes lunch. The pain from my insides quickly spreads to my legs and every step I take feels like I'm walking on needles.
"Riona! Riona where are you going?" Korra's voice fades into the background as I reach the exit of the hospital. I quickly cross the parking lot and hear people calling after me.
"Miss! Miss please stop."
I stare out at the road and slow down my pace. Cars race past in both directions and I slowly step out to the sidewalk. I race down the road and spot the hospital bus stop just up ahead.
"Ree, you have to stop." Korra shouts behind me and Sam seems to have tagged along.
I ignore them and keep running to the intersection just up ahead. The traffic light is red so no car was moving on my side of the road. Just as I reach the intersection, the light makes its way from red to yellow, and from yellow to green.
As the cars start moving again, I close my eyes and slowly step off the sidewalk and on to the road. No one seems to mind me and the cars just keep moving. A huge red truck makes its way towards me with the driver honking the horn. It looks like a transformer with the long gas pipe on its side; if I die by getting hit, might as well get hit by Optimus Prime himself. I stop and face the truck head on. Just as it gets close enough, a hand pulls me back on to the sidewalk. I trip on my feet, landing on the ground.
"You don't have to do this Ree. It's not the end of the world." Korra pulls me closer to her chest and I cry harder than I did two days ago.
"I want to go home. I just want to go home." I repeat over and over as Korra tries her best to calm me down.
***********************************************
"We're home." The lights come on and Sam runs in from behind me.
"You are going to bed this instant." Trevor shoves me to my room and forces me into bed.
"Right now I have to get back to the hospital but I'll come check on you again tomorrow. Okay?" I nod and he turns off the lights as he leaves the room.
With the bedroom door still slightly open, I hear him and Korra talking in the hallway. "Don't talk to her about anything that happened today. She's already been through enough, just let her rest."
"I know how to take care of my twin sister so don't worry." The front door closes. Trevor is gone.
"I'm coming in." Korra knocks on the door before popping her head into the crack. She pulls off her shoes and climbs into bed, snuggling up to me.
"I'm sorry." I stare at her in the darkness trying to see if her face held anger. The last thing I want is for the one person I love the most to hate me right now.
"You don't have to be. Just go to sleep." She places a kiss on my forehead and pulls the covers to my neck as we both fall asleep holding back words yearning to be said.