"Are you sure you don't want me to stay over for a while? You know I can." Korra asks for the millionth time.
"I know you can but you have to get back to Trevor. I'm sure he misses you terribly by now. It's been two days. I'm fine." I lie through my teeth.
I'm not fine. How can I be fine?
He's gone.
Forever.
"I don't believe you but I know you wouldn't let me sleep if I stayed over. You're that crazy. So I'm going to go, but I will call you in the morning, okay?" She pulls me into a tight hug and strokes my hair.
"Fine. But I'm only ever calling you when I need a foot rub or a massage." She laughs and opens my apartment door for me, handing me the keys.
"Bye Riri." She hugs me again before turning to leave, concern evident in her eyes.
There are times when I'm genuinely grateful to have Korra as a sister. I'm older by seven minutes – which is a big deal by the way – but she's the mature and responsible one, because growing up, I didn't have an ounce of responsibility in me. But she loved me anyways. The only person that cares about me more than my dad – who surprisingly still hasn't called – is Korra. We've had each other's backs for as long as I can remember. Despite being very different people, we love each other like we are the same person.
I close the door and Sam comes running to me.
"Awwn Sam. I know you missed me. I missed you too. How are you buddy?" I get on one knee to pet him and he starts licking my face.
"Okay that's enough Sam. I love you, but not that much."
I walk over to his bowl which surprisingly had food in it and a note attached to the side.
'Don't worry, I fed and bathed him while you were in the hospital. Trevor.'
How nice of him. Trevor is Korra's fiancé. They've been together for a little over a year now and I could not be happier for my sister. She's been quite unlucky in the area of love ever since we graduated college but she met Trevor at a seminar that I forced her to go to with Asher and I, 2 years ago. They started out as friends and now they're getting married in 2 months!
I head into the kitchen feeling hungry even though Korra and I stopped at a restaurant on the way here. I glance down at my protruding belly and for the first time in 2 days, the thought crosses my mind.
This baby.
Our baby.
I can't imagine raising a kid on my own. She's not even going to meet her father. I can't imagine my baby growing up without a father. For most of my life, I grew up without a mother and it was quiet obvious that I had a lot missing in my life.
I've been so occupied with Korra and her friends visiting me at the hospital for the last 2 days that I haven't been alone to think.
This is why no one ever leaves me alone. I can't be alone.
With tears racing down my cheeks, I think back to when I first met Asher. Our first date. Our first kiss. Everything I did from the time that I met him was with him. He never let me feel lonely. He was always there. When everything was terrible, he was there. He was always there, even when I didn't need him.
When I told him about my past, that's when he got me Sam. He was exactly what I needed, maybe even more. And now, with him gone, I know that life is going to become unbearable for me. I can't go back to who I used to be, not with a child.
This isn't healthy, for me and the baby. I have to get my mind off this somehow, no matter how impossible it's going to be with everything reminding me of him. His cologne is still faintly lingering in the air in the apartment or maybe I'm just imagining it.
I open the fridge, knowing that I was still going to have to order in but to my surprise, it's stuffed. Juices, food packs, ice cream, it was all there. This must be Korra, she's the cook between us. Being a professional chef just makes it even better. For most of our childhood, we didn't have a mother so dad used to do all the cooking and he was awful at cooking. Korra taught herself how to cook from TV and cookbooks while I spent all my free-time learning how to tie my own shoelace. I still can't.
I grab a food pack and it had Caesar salad in it with a fork attached to the side. Taking my bag with me and Sam at my tail, I go to the room and hurriedly undress. Stepping into the shower, I slowly give up and rest on the cold tiles, letting the cold water rain down on me.
No matter how hard I try, my thoughts are the one thing that I just can't escape.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Are you sure we shouldn't come over? A sleepover would really be nice."
"No Trev. I promise I'm okay. You guys don't have to stress yourselves coming over here. And now if you'll excuse me, Sam and I are in the middle of a heated game of Mahjong."
"If you say so but tomorrow we'll both be there all day since it's a Saturday. Right Korra?"
My sister just nods and gives a small half-hearted smile. She's been silently staring at me the whole time. She already knows what's going on in my head. She always knows.
She knows that no matter how much Trevor tries to cheer me up, nothing's going to change. She knows everything that led up to me meeting Ash and she knows exactly what he meant to me. That he can never leave my mind, no matter how happy I pretend to be.
"Okay that's fine. Goodnight."
I end the Facetime before they can say their goodbyes. I just really need to be alone for a while and I think my sister understands that, she didn't utter a single word throughout the call.
Setting my alarm for 8 am, I set my phone down and call Sam. He sleeps beside me on the bed now – his decision, not mine.
My phone lights up with an email notification just as I turn off the lights. The subject read 'To all relatives of the deceased'.
I really need to sleep tonight so I don't read it, I just forward it to Korra and turn my phone off. She'll know what to do.
I slowly drift off to sleep with Sam by my side and only one person on my mind – the one person I'd rather not think of now.
THE NEXT MORNING
I hear a slight knock on my bedroom door and I start to panic, my eyes quickly shoot open and I start to reach for the small drawer on the side table.
"Hey, Riona are you up? It's Korra." I breathe out heavily in relief.
Why exactly did I give her a key to my apartment? I mumble a 'come in' and sit up to put on my slippers.
"Hey Riri. How're you feeling today?"
"I'm fine Koko."
"You have to stop calling me that." She laughs and helps me stand up to put on my robe.
"Only if you stop calling me Riri first." We both make our way to the living room.
"Never."
"Morning Riona." I turn to see Trevor in the kitchen with the smell of fresh pancakes thick in the air.
"Morning Trev. I see Korra's enslaved you again." Korra smacks my arm and I walk into the kitchen to see a tall stack of pancakes on the table.
"Nah. This is all me." He laughs and drops a bottle of maple syrup on the table.
"Thanks." I open the fridge and pick the jar of mayonnaise. Trevor and Korra just stare at me horrified.
I laugh at their silly facial expressions.
"Don't judge me."
I use a butter knife to spread mayo on all the pancakes before I start eating. Both Korra and Trevor gag as I stuff my face with the pancakes.
"Thank goodness we had breakfast before coming." Trevor says.
Just as I finish my breakfast and open the fridge to get some orange juice, there is a knock on the front door.
"I'll get it." Korra stands up from where she's sitting on the couch and hurries to open the door.
"Hey dad." My head shoots up as I hear this.
Someone emerges from behind Korra as she walks back into the living room.
My dad.
"Edan." He stretches his arms as he stands in the middle of the living room looking at me. I practically run to him, hugging him tight. My body starts to vibrate against his as I silently sob and he slowly strokes my hair as he tries to calm me down.
"It's okay honey. I'm right here. It's alright."
"Why didn't you call earlier? It's been 3 days dad." I manage to choke out between sobs.
"Honey I'm sorry. I didn't know. Alison just told me yesterday."
I glance at my sister and she also had tears in her eyes.
I hate crying, always have. I quickly let go of my father and wipe my face with my sleeve.
"I guess we're all going together then. I'll go take a quick shower. Give me 30 minutes. Sam!"
After excusing myself, I rush into the bathroom.
Today's going to be a long day.