It's over. My life is over. Julius, he is... he is vacationed.
I stare aghast at his young and blond substitute. Mrs. Tomie enters the classroom.
Manuel is ogling her as if she was a joint. I have a strange feeling. I don't know what it means.
"Dear class, today I will substitute you in Philosophy since Julius Plato S. had a small accident yesterday! Since you apparently haven't adhered to safety rules, we'll do a crash curse about safety in school again.", she says energetically and drops a thick folder onto the table.
"Well, my darlings. What is this?"
She points to a picture.
"A scissor!", Manuel replies. I swear, drool is running down from the corner of his mouth,
"This is for cutting!"
"Wow, I didn't know that scissors are for cutting..." I roll my eyes.
"Aww, sweetie, don't talk in the lessons!", she exhorts motherly and pats me on the shoulders.
I want to break her arm and hang it up as a trophy. You will suffer. I will put your skull into my collection. I will throw your insides on your neighbor's door as a warning.
"Ah-hahahaha! Mrs. Tomie, you have caught me red-handed!", I giggle, "Like your botox doctor caught you with the wrong needle."
A short silence.
"Ooh, I'm just kidding. Oh- my pen!", I let my pen roll down the table.
"Oh, no! I will pick it up for you..."
She crawls under the table and I kick her in the face.
"Oops, reflexes."
She holds her bloody nose.
"I'll bring a handkerchief!", Manuel smarms and frantically takes out a handkerchief from his bag.
"Oh, thank you, guys. You are such nice students!", she smiles while her nose promises a massacre.
She stands up again and Manuel gives her the handkerchief. Manuel, you fool! You deal with the devil. THE DEVIL! I sense the urge to dance Macarena on his grave.
She smiles and begins her lesson anew. "Today, we will talk about bliss. What is bliss for you guys?"
When you burn miserably.
Manuel points his finger up, "To have you as my wife!"
Where is his gangster voice? He has a wide grin on his face as if he had just finished a stamp card at Boomer's burrito joint.
"Well, bliss is, for me, the sweet embrace of death.", I answer.
"Ehhh, what... ?"
She brushes it off and clears her throat, "I think bliss is when you fill the dark empty void which you'll always have inside you as good as you can with what you have."
"Hehe, try it with a joint.", Manuel snorts.
I cry. My feelings are hurt.
"Um, hello?! She cri-ies!", Emo Ute says, my best friend and only friend. She is my idol because I don't have the guts to become Goth. The last time I tried to draw eye bags with a dark eyeliner, I slipped and was rushed to the ER afterwards. Lol.
Mrs. Tomie is overwhelmed and tries to calm me down.
"O, christmas treeeeee! O, christmas treeeee! Your leaves are so unchanging!"
For a moment, I thought the janitor had revved up the lawnmower again. However as always, I am damned by this cruel world. My ears start to bleed.
To my indescribable passion comes-
"NOT ONLY GREEN WHEN SUMMER'S HEEEEREEEE!"
The incredibly vomit-inducing voice of Manuel.
Being shot would be more humane. I once heard that humans are being tortured with music somewhere. I bet the songs sound exactly the same.
I... can't take it anymore. I freak out!!!!!!11!!
"Mrs. Tomie, I will now rip out your vocal cords!!!!"
"YAAAS QUEEN!", Ute riles me up while she does emo stuff, crying.
I roly poly, somersaulting my way through the air and plunge into battle. Mrs. Tomie screams. This sounds even much more pleasant.
I break down - this time, literally.
I fly face-first onto the floor. Ohhh, this hit like an American munching a triple bacon McRip whopper at McDonalds. And not to forget - like Boomer's fat and scrumptious burritos. Oh, Boomer would be proud.
I start to cry. Emo Ute runs up to me and begins to cite her seven satanic heal spells.
"Ogg ogg ogg ogg ogg ogg ogg!"
I feel immediately... strange.
I think they can't affect me because I am too smart.
But Manuel cowers under the table, because he's, well, dumb.
"ARGO ARGO ARGO!" She screams at him. He laughs. He has no respect! I will kill him first!
"Children, please, sit down! Ute, darling, will you pleeease cite your curses after the lesson, hm?", she smiles. She is surely imbecilic. Truly foolish!
Mrs. Tomie comes closer to Emo Ute. Suddenly, Emo Ute takes out her broom - a witch broom - and rubs it into her cake hole as if it was a toothbrush.
"AHAHAHAHAHAHHA." Weird noises. Is it normal to scream this stupidly when you have a broom in your mouth?
I walk to the door.
"Ute, come! We aren't needed here anymore!"
Mrs. Tomie smiles, a few bristles are stuck between her teeth.
"EGG EGG EGG EGG RAHAHAHA KRKKRK!" Emo Ute climbs onto the broom and jumps around. I snap.
I take a scissor and run towards Manuel. I do a backflip, a side roll, a cartwheel and finally deliver my punch.
Manuel laughs, "You do know that you've just spun around on the floor like a kebab skewer, hehe?"
I drag Ute to the door. Enough for today. Byeee.