The bed. For the last two years, it has always been so warm. Whenever I would wake up, it would be a kind of struggle. I would set an alarm, but when it rang and I woke, the warmth of my sheets would suddenly become the nicest prison in the world. Inside my head, I would come up with various reasons to get me out of this jail. At the start of the school year, I would tell myself that it was a new beginning, full of new possibilities. Then some weeks would pass and the promise of change from the new start would wear away. When that happened I instead used the motive of various lessons I enjoyed, but these lessons weren't on the schedule every day, so for those days I had to find some other carrot.
"There's something good for lunch today"
"I don't feel like eating"
"We're supposed to watch a movie in that class today"
"The school chairs are uncomfortable to sit and watch in"
"There's a new subject today"
"Aren't the ones I have already enough?"
"There are only two lessons today, it'll be over quickly…"
"Was that supposed to motivate me?"
This back and forth with myself, every time it happened it became a little harder to cast aside the blanket which was embracing me in such lovely warmth. The logic behind getting out of bed was clear to me. Of course, I knew that school was important for the future, that's where I would learn the skills required to delve deeper into the subjects I liked and be able to determine what jobs interested me.
But that future, with each passing day, made its shape more and more apparent. I had no need for subjects such as home economics, because: "'He isn't going to become a chef, is he?'". I was going to inherit my father's company and that would be it. All other subjects not directly needed for that were wastes of time. They were things I could perhaps pursue as hobbies, firstly after having achieved that "goal".
Eventually, I accepted that this would be my life, that's to say if you could even call something like that life. Honestly, I've never wanted to become a chef. I do enjoy cooking, but I've never thought of it as something I would like to work with. But still, even so, I just wanted to have the choice… I just wanted to choose of my own will not to follow that path. I just wanted to be the one who made those decisions, not just obeyed them.
But in the end, I gave in. I continued forward through all of it, thinking that if I just did as I was told then one day… it will be over... If I could just endure it till then…
I broke. During last year's second semester, I barely came to school. Sadim has yet to mention it, but I bet he's thinking about it. Everyone in class, they're probably wondering why I even bothered to show up again. No, actually, I doubt I have any room in their minds at all.
I thought I wouldn't be able to handle returning properly, that the previous pattern would simply repeat itself. Yet recently… I find the warmth outside of the blankets growing warmer than inside.
It's now Thursday of the third week of school and two weeks have passed since I had the conversation with my reflection. Since that day, well firstly, I got a new haircut. It was scary at first, the man who was going to cut my hair had a bunch of tattoos and was built like a brick wall, muscles all over. When he first grabbed my head his grip had such strength that I was afraid he would accidentally crush me.
But he turned out to be really nice. His name was Jamie and he was very conversational, almost overwhelmingly so. It was a rather small barbershop that I had found when looking for places near me, tightly packed in between two other stores, the kinda place that you probably would've missed if you weren't looking for it.
I was shy at first, not having come looking for conversation, but eventually, I surprised myself by how much I ended up talking. He was basically a stranger so it felt a lot easier for me to relax when speaking, I didn't think much about my words, so I was a lot more open than usual. I told him about these last few days and about Dawn and in response he smiled with melancholic eyes while muttering: "Ah, youth".
When I had arrived at school the next day both Dawn and Sadim had been rather surprised - to put it mildly. I'd been a little nervous but when they complimented my haircut I felt… happy…
I've also started taking showers more regularly, about one per day. If there's one thing I ain't, it's a morning person, but now I basically wake up every day and directly head for a refreshing shower. It has helped me a bunch with mornings.
After that, I help myself to some breakfast, nothing big, just a piece of toast or something like that, but I think it's better than eating nothing. Sometimes, when I have the time, I make a fried egg to go along with my toast. It's a bit more work but it tends to be worth it.
I never thought my mornings could be like this. Never did I think I would wake up and cast aside the blanket like the light thing it is. I've still had some mornings when I've woken up, feeling reluctant to get out of bed. But unlike before, the reason I still get up no longer has to do with me saying to simply push through it all, instead, I tell myself that today will be fun.
It almost feels unreal... I think to myself that perhaps it's all just an illusion, a dream. But still, I truly feel it is something I'm experiencing myself - not just watching from afar.
I'm still hesitant and can't completely accept it because I don't feel I fully deserve it, but these past weeks... have truly been so much fun.
***
"You know, I think we should meet at that secret spot again", Dawn told me with a smile.