The curtains danced merrily as the sun kissed the walls of the room.
I breathed in the smell of rain as I lay down. Eyes closed, body relaxed. But I was anything but that.
My mind reeled of all the different scenarios that popped into my head. I chalked it all up to the fact that it was today. I was still reeling from the accident, my denial clasped firmly to my chest. This was my safety, my cocoon. Nothing and no one could penetrate its walls.
I turned towards the picture on my bedside table. I was hit with a mix of pain and nostalgia. Gosh! I missed her. Every year was the same, some better than the others. I just wished she had stayed a little more time. But I was all alone and she was gone.
Pain is part of life, my shrink said. But what I would give to just forget. To forget and move on to normalcy. As if my life was anything normal before the accident.
A knock interrupted my reverie. The door opened a little and my mom's auburn hair popped into the room. A sad smile rested on her lips. I groaned inwardly. Another thing I wished I forgot. The smile.
"Sweetie, breakfast's ready. I made pancakes." She looked around the room, arranging stuff as she moved around. I nodded in acknowledgement.
She turned to look at me. "How are you holding up? You're feeling okay?"
"Mom!" I snapped. She flinched at my tone and inwardly I winced. It was hard for me to remember that I wasn't alone in my grief. My parents were suffering too.
"I'm sorry." I said. I got up and walked towards her, wrapping her in a hug. I felt the hitch in her voice and felt a tear drop on my arm.
"I miss her!" She wailed. "I miss her so much."
I held her as she cried till her tears reduced to hiccups. I released her and watched as she dried her eyes.
"I'm so sorry for that. Didn't mean for it to happen. Are you coming down now?" She turned her eyes to mine.
"Give me a minute."
She pursed her lips and sighed. "Alright. When you're ready."
I nodded again.
The door closed and I let out the pent up air.
....
The rain that morning gave the air an ethereal feeling. Like a scene out of a fairytale. The wisps of the willow brushing my face as I moved towards the row of stones at the end.
I didn't stop until I reached the last stone. I stopped with my hands tucked into the pockets of my coat.
A lump formed at the back of my throat. Tears rushed unbidden to my eyes. I brushed furiously at my eyes, my.gaze caught on the stone. Someone had put fresh daises by it. Must have been Mom, I thought absent mindedly. A smile tugged at my lips as I pictured her doing just that.
I reached out to the stones. My gaze taking in the words as I ran my hand across the stone. I read the words out loud.
Charlotte Victoria James.
beloved daughter and friend.
1998 - 2014.
The tears rushed down and this time I let it fall.