Theo had long lost all sense of time. There was only the steady thrum of the engine, the gentle blue glow bathing his body. The ache in his muscles, so stiff it was like they had frozen in place.
Maybe it had always been this way. Maybe nothing existed beyond the padlocked door. If that was the case, he didn't have any complaints.
The only change came when a soft warmth began to pulse against his side, followed by a weak light splashing across the metal above him. Also blue, but much darker than the azure Levia surrounding him – more like midnight.
He squirmed, ignoring the pins and needles that raked his limbs. Eventually, he managed to push his staff out of his side holster and dragged it up next to his face. The crystal's jagged facets distorted his reflection, but he still made out his ashen skin, the dark circles around his eyes.
Its Levia combined with Blue's, wrapping him in a warm, soft blanket. Though comforting, it couldn't begin to patch the gaping wound in his heart.
Strangely, he hadn't cried again. His entire body felt empty and drained, not just of tears but everything. Even the grief seemed distant now, like he was observing it through a heavy fog.
Without any other distractions, his mind kept replaying the same memories. Not of Zenith leaving him behind, but the things Sam had said to him.
You don't want to just accept it, right? Otherwise you wouldn't be so upset. You still care about him, don't you?
He clenched his teeth, squeezed his eyes shut, but the words only echoed louder. Opening his eyes didn't help. Even as he tried counting every tiny light sparkling inside the Star of Miriel, Sam's voice wouldn't leave him alone.
Deep inside, he already knew why. Because she was right. He hadn't accepted Zenith's betrayal; he couldn't accept it.
It was true he'd never understood Zenith, and he'd been complacent – arrogant even – in thinking he already did. Even when he had gotten glimpses of Zenith's doubts and insecurities, he'd always managed to brush them aside. After all, those moments never lasted long before the knight's usual unflappable composure returned.
That resolve of his had drawn Theo to Zenith in the first place. Maybe even unconsciously, he'd put Zenith on a pedestal because of it. For all his insistence that Zenith was his own person, that he was more than the image of a fairy tale knight, some part of Theo had been perfectly fine with indulging in that fantasy.
But just like he'd never known the real Zenith, it wasn't like Zenith had known his real feelings either. When was the last time he'd been genuinely honest with his familiar? As much as it hurt to admit, it might have been all the way back after their loss to Ryan.
That time, Theo could easily have run away instead of facing the unpleasant truth, or even outright commanded Zenith to get over it. Instead, he'd forced himself to talk with Zenith. To try to understand his point of view, and to in turn get Zenith to see where he was coming from.
And eventually, they'd reached a mutual understanding. Theo had decided to act as Zenith's lord, but in his own way, and Zenith had decided to challenge Ryan again to prove their new bond could work.
By trusting each other, they came out victorious. Even now, remembering Zenith's bright smile, his declaration that he was happier than he'd ever been, made warmth flicker inside Theo's chest. Somehow, he had no doubt those were Zenith's true feelings.
Afterwards, he might have gotten to do more with Zenith – kissing him, even confessing his love – but had he ever come close to feeling that kind of joy again? No, because the entire time he'd been holding back in some way. Trying to keep his feelings a secret, never wanting to push Zenith too hard or upset him too much, and all while pretending he was doing it for Zenith's sake.
In reality, he'd only been doing what was easiest for himself. If he kept quiet, everything would stay the same. He'd get to keep hanging out with the guy he liked while never having to confront the true nature of his feelings, let alone what love or duty actually meant to Zenith.
Even when he'd confessed, it had been like that. Caught up in the heat of the moment, he hadn't realized they never actually got around to discussing the heart of the matter. True, Zenith himself had changed the subject, but Theo shouldn't have let it drop so easily.
And even when they had been talking about the fight, Theo had focused more on convincing Zenith to get along with Victor than understanding his reasons. Brushing his feelings off as always.
Though it was the last thing he wanted, those bitter words marched through his head again. I do know. Do not presume for me.
His heart ached like a dull blade was trying to carve it out, but he gritted his teeth through the pain. How much frustration, how much resentment, had Zenith been hiding all this time?
The pain only deepened when he remembered the accusations he'd hurled during their argument. Maybe you don't like me back, that's fine. But it sounds more to me like you're afraid of your own feelings. You're going on and on about duty, but you're really just a coward!
At the time, he'd only seen those words as a weapon to wound Zenith with, but maybe they held a kernel of truth. Just like Theo, Zenith had been doing the easy thing, papering over his true emotions with a noble-sounding excuse.
If only Theo had realized it sooner. If only he'd tried harder. If only, if only – but it was already too late to change the past.
Earlier, he'd decided this meant everything was hopeless and always had been. Yet if he really believed that, he wouldn't be in so much pain right now. He'd be able to leave his memories of Zenith behind, write him off as a lost cause.
Instead, he couldn't stop thinking – not just about Zenith, but Sam too. And not only her.
Cay's voice echoed in his mind, desperate and wounded. I only wanted to know! I wanted to hear it from her, to get her answer! Is that really so wrong?
Didn't Theo feel the same?
His throat tightened and his heart pounded harder. Something was rising from deep inside, and he knew it wasn't misery or despair. Though barely a spark, it blazed with a warmth that almost – almost – filled the void inside his heart.
So he didn't understand Zenith. So what? In spite of everything, he still wanted to.
He thought about Cay, struggling with all his might to reach out to Eulyn. About Victor, solemnly stating he would risk everything for a certain person. Fia and Ryan, hand in hand as they summoned Samakah together. Even Sam earlier, pleading with him to leave his hiding place, reminding him that he wasn't alone.
Wasn't that what it actually meant to connect with someone? Not a magical instant understanding, but something you had to fight for with all your might. You might stumble, you might get lost, you might face walls that seemed impossible to climb, but if you wanted it enough, you'd never stop trying.
And it couldn't go just one way. Zenith wasn't off the hook for hiding things from him too, and Theo would never accept he'd made the right decision by leaving. But instead of lying here stewing in his own helplessness, Theo needed to get the answer from Zenith. To hear it in his voice.
He gripped the staff tighter, the metal digging into his palm, and just like that time began to flow again. Planting an elbow into the floor, he forced all his strength into his muscles and rolled over. Aches shot through his body, but they were easy enough to ignore. Not when both the Star of Miriel and Blue were blazing so brilliantly, growing brighter as his resolve grew stronger.
Before long, he yanked himself out from under the engine and pushed the door open. Cool air flooded in from the corridor, clearing away his remaining fears and doubts.
Pressing a fist to his chest, right above the place where Zenith's Levia had once shone, Theo swore a vow to himself. I'm done running away. No matter what it takes, I'm going to find you, Zenith.
And this time, I won't let you go. This time, I'll stand by you. I'll be honest with you, and you with me, and we'll finally know each other for real.